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Monday, 30 March 2009

This has to be one large test of my fortitude. I have managed to spend the week quite well. If I pretend 'It' simply does not exist, life is okay. Then, just as I master it and start feeling like I can enjoy my life again - something else happens.

Tonight we play games again. He blocks access to an account by changing a password. I text him asking why. A while later, he offers the password with no explanation as to why he would change it. For 20 minutes I try logging in and the password doesn't work - suddenly, after 20 mins of ignoring my arsey texts, the password works and I get sucked straight back in to the world of mind games and control. I think my own sim card and not letting anyone that knows him have the number is the answer. If he cannot get hold of my number than he cannot drive me around the twist.

Then, as if not agitated enough, I get informed by someone that there was an occasion last year or possibly further back - that he had claimed he was on a photo shoot with a certain person. Yet, when they had rung that certain person - they knew nothing of a photo shoot and were not with him. I am having to breathe very deeply, the informant had the attitude that since 'It' had already proven to be someone all too capable of telling lie after lie - that it made little difference how long he had been lieing for.

In essence they are right but it's very hard not knowing how long you have been lied to. It is very hard suspecting that the truth is that most of your marriage was probably one big shame. It is even harder accepting that the one person that could tell you the truth is the one that has been lying to your face and is now the least likely ever to admit how long the lies have been going on. I will never know. All I can know is the man I thought was honest, is in fact a liar that plays unending control games.

I love my children deeply, I can never imagine not having them in my life and not for one second would I change that. However, I deeply, deeply regret meeting their father.

I have changed my mind about the neck nuzzling. The next man that looks like he might want to nuzzle my neck is straight in there. I don't know why I was worried about having a meaningless relationship - it appears that I have been already been having one of those for the large part of my life.

1 comment:

C.S.C. said...

Love the blog and admire you hugely, not only for the humour you always show despite the pain. (And the teenager sounds like a complete star.)