Sunday 21 November 2010

Before the horse has bolted

I have spent all week preparing to bolt. I sat opposite someone last week having a serious adult conversation about expectation and such stuff. I presented as being very in control, very measured, pragmatic and a litte 'take it or leave it' All the while my head was thinking " Oh God, you are gorgeous and I feel like melting'.

I realised I could never say those words. Realising that I was thinking like that was a little shocking and extremely risky. If I told him that I was thinking that, he would no doubt bolt and more importantly, thinking those things meant that I could get hurt and so therefore there was only one answer.

Bolt.

I have had exit lines in my head and on the end of my texting finger for some time. I know the response to any "we need to talk' line because I have them all prepared in advance for the inevitable. Last night I acknowledged that texting my exit line was easier but unfair and if I am now an adult - I needed to call and exit. 4 hours of pacing and I summoned the courage. He was out.

So I spoke to a friend instead. Trained as a counsellor she says all the right things such as "And why do you think you feel this way"?

To which I reply "I have no idea, that's why I am asking you"

And she pointed out what I already know. I am a bolter. I date men that are bolters because it hides the fact that I am a bolter. I marry or date emotionally unavailable men because I think I am only worthy of emotionally unavailable men and since I am an emotionally unavailable woman, this proves my own fears.

I can be achingly honest about all sorts of things. Until I care. This is the point I reveal nothing since this is the point I can get hurt. What I never figured was that in emotionally withdrawing I sort of guarantee that the person I am seeing may be in the same place and me not being honest may make them withdraw. Choosing men with emotional baggage is perfect since this is the point I can turn it back onto them and concentrate on their issue and in so doing, avoid mine. Which in fundamentally, if I show them that I have feelings for them they are guaranteed to reject me. Not showing them I have feelings also guarantees that rejection will occur. Perfect, I don't have to take the risk and it becomes their fault.

So I missed the boat to bolt yesterday and when I received the 'phone me for a chat' message today, I panicked and hid the phone so I could avoid dealing with it. In a bid to try and undue some of this - I had already decided to be honest about how I felt, not in a bid to change the inevitable but in an attempt to leave a relationship having been emotionally honest for the first time ever.

So I called back. It was not the inevitable but merely a chat. My brain shifted as I considered that my fight or flight reaction was always on red alert and that perhaps my assumptions were always based on worse case scenario's. So I bit the bullet and revealed my thoughts. I did not however present it in a healthy way.

"I have something to tell you and you may not like it"

Oh Christ I feel really sick even saying this"

"Oh my God, I don't think I can"

Granted it was an unusual approach to telling someone that you think they are rather gorgeous and that they made me feel uncharacteristically melted. But even more unexpected is that no one shot me, the sky didn't fall in and the world didn't end in an instant.

What was even more interesting is that the fear of saying those words, had griped me for a week and the desire to bolt had almost entirely taken over me. So thank you to the man that made me realise that bolting is about fear and a sensation you can only feel when someone has made you feel something - I hope that one day you deal with this and find happiness.

And thank you to the man that made me feel that he was worth the risk of being honest with and that will not allow such issues to be unresolved. Who knows what the future holds but I do know this: Everyone comes into your life for a reason, everyone teaches you something but it is personal choice as to whether you learn from it. You learn from being hurt but you also learn alot about yourself and sometimes what hurts you most from other peoples behaviour, is what you start to see in your own.

There are no guarantees but at this moment and for this day I learnt that my fear of being hurt nearly made me bolt from something that could make me happy. May be it will, maybe it won't but the only chance I have in finding happiness is accepting that fear holds you in the same place time and time again. Refusing to give into fear and taking the chance that my assumptions could be wrong.

This time they were.

Duh