An interesting supper party

I have made two decisions this week, the first was to restart the Gym membership. Following last years collapse I am trying to avoid looking at any more Russian army exercise videos on you tube. I am also trying to hypnotise myself so that when the instructor say's "Women are not designed to do these kind of exercises" that I simply smile and nod in agreement instead of trying to prove him wrong.

I was immensely chuffed to prove him wrong but the smugness of doing so lasted 3 weeks until the big collapse. As a result, a year later and I can't do any. So I am rejoining the gym for the use of the steam room. I may venture into the gym. The words 'well toned' are just a little compelling.

The other decision I made was to have an interesting supper party. I thought about doing this six months ago but think many things that I never actually do. So I decided to just get on with it.

My interesting supper party is inviting people for supper that I have found interesting. I don't really know them, but for the brief period I met them, they interested me. Based on the theory that everyone comes into your life for a reason, I figured that it would simply be interesting to have interesting people around.

So far, I have invited my work colleague, just because she is utterly gorgeous. Her husband is insane and very interesting, so he got an invite. Then there is a man that has started many companies, almost all with an eco edge. Met through a meeting he requested about marketing, the conversation soon left work and moved into Shamanism - definitely interesting.

Guest no 4 is the Marketeer with his own branding agency. I met him for no more than 20 minutes at a gallery opening. The conversation was entirely on the definition of masculinity. Since I have a growing and enthusiastic appreciation for masculinity, it fascinated me to meet a man that was so well read on the subject.

Supper party guest number 5 is a woman I met for no more than 10 minutes about 9 years ago. An ex 80's minor pop star that then went onto start a successful business, we struck up a conversation in a doctors surgery abut a book called 'The Indigo children' She was very interesting. Thankfully she remembered meeting me and is delighted to be coming.

Guests no 6 is a little tricky. She doesn't want to come without her husband, despite the fact that she is interesting on her own. I had to say no, since this is my evening of people that are interesting and I have never met her husband. Perhaps a little harsh, but bringing unmet spouses would blow the reason for having this supper. Besides, since I do not have a husband and even when I did, would merrily go out without him - I have too little empathy to bend the rules. I shall work on her, she needs to be there.

Guest number 7 is a thoroughly interesting female who has one of the most interesting families you could ever meet. Every one in it is about as creative as it is possible to be. Since I cannot invite all 6 of them, she will have to be the spokesperson.

I am toying with inviting another man, met on a business course - that was so at peace with himself and the world around, such utter acceptance that he could have been Buddha himself. I am debating his invite. I am not convinced he will find us interesting enough.

I, of course will be there. This on the basis that my claim to being interesting is that I had the idea of the interesting supper party. If this workout, I shall rename it the interesting supper-club. Each month, I shall invite 4 interesting people and they will be required to each invite an interesting person they have met.

So that is it. An interesting idea

Sex on my mind

I have been thinking about sex lately. A lot. In fact, there have been times when it has all I have been able to think about.

Today I had a meeting. Quite an important one in which I had to prep thoroughly to ensure that nothing but confident knowledge was exuded. In a momentary pause, I googled the man I was due to meet. 'Not bad' I thought - so I googled a little more. Then I stumbled across a picture that included his forearms.

I have for some time recognised that I can lose all rational thought process when confronted with well toned muscle and alas, this man had a dangerous combination of extremely muscular forearms and the slightly mischievous trade mark look of a player. Sadly, it is a combination that I find compelling. Dangerous but compelling. I knew I was heading into dangerous territory.

So the meeting went ahead. We talked of strategy, policy and messaging. By the end of the meeting, the raised eyebrow appeared. The one that say's "You are not what I was expecting" then the look that you know that should you wish that the work remit extended, it would take no more than a little cerebral dance and it's a done deal.

So another meeting has been arranged, in a pub. Strictly business at this point but strictly speaking, possibly not. Since I have had nothing but fairly inappropriate thoughts for some time - I made up my mind that I was going to drop my stance on meaningless sex and just start having meaningless sex. It lasted until about 9pm until I went to the garage and was blatantly checked out by two men.

I realised that meaningless sex was no more than momentary gratification. I could repackage as being in control, taking the pleasure without the grief of intimacy and without the risk of hurt. By ruling out a relationship, I would be in control. If I was in control, I just got sex when I felt like it and could just take physical pleasure.

And here is the reality. Devaluing my own view of sex and intimacy and convincing myself that I would be in control - was a guaranteed passport to misery. Devaluing sex would simply anaesthetise myself to true intimacy. I am not talking about life long commitment, but the level of intimacy you can reach when someone trusts you with their body and mind and them yours. Sex for sex's sake is never going to be as good as sex with someone with which there is a connection that is more than gratification or validation. A connection deeper than carnal need.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with carnal need, but if I switched off the emotional side simply to have sex with men I barely knew, than I would be living on a permanent power high. And it is a high that you would risk being addicted to. No single person would ever match that hit on a long term level and so I would create a cycle difficult to break.

And lets face it, it wouldn't be hard to achieve. If you put your mind to it, there is no more difficulty in finding willing participants than there is finding a petrol station. And this is the bit I don't get - there is no challenge. It doesn't take long before you can instantly spot the signs of someone willing to go the distance. It's simply too easy, like candy from a child. There is no true respect involved and aside from the instantaneous gratification, the long term emotional risks are too high.

Mind blowing sex is not technique, it is a level reached when two people have attained a level of emotional intimacy that is equal and shared. You can only reach that plateau when you completely accept another person. Respecting and embracing the opposite sex is also a step up the ladder towards the kind of sex that creates a healthy addiction.

Tempting as it was brief, I shall not be venturing into the chalk it up approach to sex. If I don't respect myself or anyone else, than it would seem unreasonable to expect anyone to respect me. Though I loved the idea for a moment, I know that it would be a slippery emotional slope that it would be difficult to climb back up from.

So I shall carry on being old fashioned in my view. I like being able to remember the men I have been intimate with. I like that I can remember individual and unique things about them, I like the fact that my feeling was sufficient for them then, that even after, I would choose only for them to be happy. To be so anaesthetised to intimacy that I would struggle to remember names is not a route I aspire to travel.

And so I shall remain old fashioned and very frustrated.