Sex on my mind

I have been thinking about sex lately. A lot. In fact, there have been times when it has all I have been able to think about.

Today I had a meeting. Quite an important one in which I had to prep thoroughly to ensure that nothing but confident knowledge was exuded. In a momentary pause, I googled the man I was due to meet. 'Not bad' I thought - so I googled a little more. Then I stumbled across a picture that included his forearms.

I have for some time recognised that I can lose all rational thought process when confronted with well toned muscle and alas, this man had a dangerous combination of extremely muscular forearms and the slightly mischievous trade mark look of a player. Sadly, it is a combination that I find compelling. Dangerous but compelling. I knew I was heading into dangerous territory.

So the meeting went ahead. We talked of strategy, policy and messaging. By the end of the meeting, the raised eyebrow appeared. The one that say's "You are not what I was expecting" then the look that you know that should you wish that the work remit extended, it would take no more than a little cerebral dance and it's a done deal.

So another meeting has been arranged, in a pub. Strictly business at this point but strictly speaking, possibly not. Since I have had nothing but fairly inappropriate thoughts for some time - I made up my mind that I was going to drop my stance on meaningless sex and just start having meaningless sex. It lasted until about 9pm until I went to the garage and was blatantly checked out by two men.

I realised that meaningless sex was no more than momentary gratification. I could repackage as being in control, taking the pleasure without the grief of intimacy and without the risk of hurt. By ruling out a relationship, I would be in control. If I was in control, I just got sex when I felt like it and could just take physical pleasure.

And here is the reality. Devaluing my own view of sex and intimacy and convincing myself that I would be in control - was a guaranteed passport to misery. Devaluing sex would simply anaesthetise myself to true intimacy. I am not talking about life long commitment, but the level of intimacy you can reach when someone trusts you with their body and mind and them yours. Sex for sex's sake is never going to be as good as sex with someone with which there is a connection that is more than gratification or validation. A connection deeper than carnal need.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with carnal need, but if I switched off the emotional side simply to have sex with men I barely knew, than I would be living on a permanent power high. And it is a high that you would risk being addicted to. No single person would ever match that hit on a long term level and so I would create a cycle difficult to break.

And lets face it, it wouldn't be hard to achieve. If you put your mind to it, there is no more difficulty in finding willing participants than there is finding a petrol station. And this is the bit I don't get - there is no challenge. It doesn't take long before you can instantly spot the signs of someone willing to go the distance. It's simply too easy, like candy from a child. There is no true respect involved and aside from the instantaneous gratification, the long term emotional risks are too high.

Mind blowing sex is not technique, it is a level reached when two people have attained a level of emotional intimacy that is equal and shared. You can only reach that plateau when you completely accept another person. Respecting and embracing the opposite sex is also a step up the ladder towards the kind of sex that creates a healthy addiction.

Tempting as it was brief, I shall not be venturing into the chalk it up approach to sex. If I don't respect myself or anyone else, than it would seem unreasonable to expect anyone to respect me. Though I loved the idea for a moment, I know that it would be a slippery emotional slope that it would be difficult to climb back up from.

So I shall carry on being old fashioned in my view. I like being able to remember the men I have been intimate with. I like that I can remember individual and unique things about them, I like the fact that my feeling was sufficient for them then, that even after, I would choose only for them to be happy. To be so anaesthetised to intimacy that I would struggle to remember names is not a route I aspire to travel.

And so I shall remain old fashioned and very frustrated.