Sunday 25 April 2010

vicarious living

One of my favourite expressions is 'living vicariously through someone else'. It is such a great sentence. I have, for sometime had an 'anonymous' poster who sends on the whole, malicious comments. They could be about me, the children, or telling me that the repro man is after the house.

Clearly they are ill informed, since it is not the repro man that is after the house, it is it. I have always found it a tad irksome that any adult would make comments about children, but since anyone who felt the inclination to send malicious comments at all - was probably unworthy of any real cerebral consideration and certainly not anyone of cerebral ability, am not unduly bothered.

What I find most fascinating is that this person, who clearly knows of me and of the children - is totally obsessed by my life. A complete and clear cut case of living vicariously through someone else - they border on an obsession with the amount of times they read this blog. I am not sure I can grasp the intellect of someone who hides behind anonymity to show the side of their personality that is truer than anything they could ever present in public, but the clearly have no life of their own that they should have to read this blog as much as they do.

I have never had an issue with my thought process. There is little that happens in my life that hasn't happened to thousands of others. In this sense I am hardly likely to be particularly bothered by someone with inadequate social ability and lets face it, I have experience on those with issues with adequacy. I am however, delighted that my life is clearly and undoubtedly more fascinating than their own.

The one thing that really bothers me though, is their complete and utter inability to spell. Frankly, if they have the time to be on the Internet for the best part of the day, they certainly have time to research how to use a spell check.

One point of reflection. I recall last year writing an entry on the village idiot. It was a fine description. Perhaps the link was far too tenuous for those with limited cognitive function.

Duh....

On a more interesting note. I had a great night out tonight with another mother of 4 who had spent a similar amount of her life with a man of a very similar nature to 'it'. Like me, she is also dealing with the bulk of financial responsibility and the full responsibility of raising her children without assistance.

It was universally agreed that being single and answerable to no one else - is a very exciting point in life. There is another expression in life about not going back and frankly, who would want to? She has got the added benefit of not actually having been married and for that I envy her. I have had to seriously consider whether I have an issue with marriage but in fact, the only real issue is in the choices I made.

You would not believe how damn difficult it is in just getting divorced. You would think it would be no more than 'It's over, I am leaving, you can have the children and I will behave decently' Apparently not. Apparently it is more common place to keep trying to hold on to the past and use everything you have in you to prevent any moving on happening at all. When people have got some point to make, they throw money at a solicitor and it goes on and on and on. Whatever they were after starts to dwindle compared to the bills they are racking up in legal fees and the only people that really suffer are the children.

It seems that many people seriously believe that divorce, acrimony, uncertainty and lack of understanding do not affect children. One of mine has spent the last three weeks attached to my side. If I move, he moves. If he wakes up, he cries, if I go out, he wakes up in hysterics and when I wake up, I have a tiny upturned nose attached to mine. Yep, they will deal with it, yes they will grow up and be okay but the damage becomes entrenched and it will impact on the way they are as adults, the relationships they have and the way they respond to their own children. For those that were really screwed up by their childhood and remember insecurity and fear, they run the risk of replicating the very same with their own children.

I have absolutely no comprehension of why anyone would want to inflict that on their own offspring. Yet they do, time and time again.

It sucks





Saturday 24 April 2010

Glass half empty,

I have a bad headache. How can two glasses of wine cause such a condition? I fear I may be in need of medical referral to see if there is a clinical reason as to my low alcohol intolerance.

I also fear I may have revealed too much of myself to the neighbour. At least this time it was the working of my inner mind and not my body. I am not sure which of those is scarier. Besides, she wasn't as attractive as the gardener.

I had planned to attempt a sort out of the garden today. I plan to get last weeks washing in but need to clear a path to get to it first. I did reseed the lawn and forgot to water it. The garden may have to be postponed to this afternoon.

The missing link, alcohol, love and trust

I fear that my blog has been missing alcohol. In a bid to sort myself out, I have been going out less. Going out more was about avoiding dealing with myself and since avoidance is never a good thing, I had decided to face it all.

But tonight I shared a bottle of wine with a neighbour. Like any occasion that fermented substance passes my lips, my thought process goes into free fall.

I have a tetchy client. She is new to handing over anything to anyone else and is understandably tetchy. Her nerves are making me nervous and as such, making me panic.

I figured tonight that relationships with clients are almost parallel to relationships with men. It is all trust. She needs to trust me for this relationship to work. Having said she wants someone on board, she is actually finding trusting someone else and trying to control issues. Her control is making me question my own ability and wondering if she has cause for concern.

In reality, I know that she is dealing with fear, if she can get past the initial fear she will be okay but that may simply be a step to far. I know I can do what she has been told that I can do. I know that I have it in me to deliver the promises, but the minute she panics - I panic, and we both end up with levels of fear that will make the relationship impossible.

So then it struck me. Is any relationship really that different? What the client needs is for me to stay focus and give her the reassurance that she seeks that all will be okay. I assure her, she feels safe and bingo, job done. Or do I take the view that there is no relationship without trust and that clearly this is not a relationship that will work and get out first?

I am taking the view that if I allow her fear to take me off course, then I will not be able to offer her what was originally promised and it will all be a difficult and damaging relationship. Therefore I need to prove to her that there is only one person panicking and isn't me.

This is where the strange similarities with client and personal relationships differ.

If this had been a man, I would simply have panicked and backed off. If a man needed reassurance that I was genuine in promise and thus started to behave oddly, I would retreat in an instant. To risk having to persuade a man that you had a relationship with potential would risk being humiliated. If the man was the effective client, he would be having to persuade me that he desperately wanted me to work for him.

Strange thinks I. I would expect him to have crawl on hands and knees, despite the fact that it may be some behaviour of mine that had caused the fear in the fist place. Doubly ironic that I would want someone to do something for me, that I would not be brave enough to do myself.

The other thing I have figured recently is that when someone tells themselves they need no one, there is invariably some kind of delusion involved. I have never needed anyone, I can cope with anything.

Bull - I finally get it. Too many barriers, too much guarding my emotions. I need someone who can see through me. There is no need for compromise. What will be will be.

This probably makes no sense and probably, I need not drink again

Monday 12 April 2010

Bikini lines, gorgeous knickers and ex husbands

Uncharacteristically, I had some odd thoughts today.

Yesterday I had to sort the lawn out. By the time I had finished, my feet looked like that of a Nepalise Goat Herder. So last night I had to embark on a home based pedicure. things like this bore me senseless. Necessary but mind blowingly boring. For some reason I was humming the tunes to 'Head, shoulders, knees and toes' and pondered something. If most men are like older hairier versions of small boys, then where do women fit in to childhood? The answer is in the nursery song. Life as a woman is a repetative cycle of 'Head, shoulders, knees and toes'.

You sort your toes out and then you realise your eyebrows need tending. Eyebrows regained and your fingernails are atrocious. Get around to that and your bikini line is need of order. Suitably buff and your toenails need adjustment again. In between all of this you have to reseed the lawn, wash the car, make dinner, unblock the toilet and fix the dodgy light switch. I am beginning to see why there are so many women that do not bother.

I went to the car boot sale in Lacock yesterday. I came back with all sorts of things I could have lived without. My most exciting item was a wire coat hanger. Thrilled, because I had a toilet to unblock and I had no intention of using anything that would not be disposed of immediately. This is now becoming a weekly and very unpleasant task. The little ones are determined to be independent but not accountable. Independence means blocking the toilet. Blocking the toilet means I gag. Great. I am hoping it will not last long.

Whilst on the random thought process, my random thoughts turned to underwear. I have a couple of pieces I particularly like. One pair are rarely worn. 'Tres stylish, but with a couple of ribboned ties on each side of the hip - they are hardly the most practical undergarment.

It got me thinking on how clothing design. Trousers are designer to cover your legs, tops are designed to cover your top. Knickers take no account of bikini lines at all. You buy beautiful underwear but they will only look beautiful if you have kept up to date with bikini line removal. I have no issue with this, but am left wondering why the same does not apply to a hat. If you someone buys a hat they do not remove the hair that is left around it. If they removed the hair protruding from the Beanie they would look very odd. If you don't remove the hair around the knicker line, you look very odd.

"Tis all odd, but possibly not as odd as me.

As another irrelevant point. The nearly ex husband and I had a rather large argument today. I realised something else. My mind has moved from the point he left to now. Now is the only relevant point. I realised that his mind is still in the lead up to him leaving. We are not in the same place.

To me, the past cannot be changed, you can only earn from it and move forward. Holding onto it means that you cannot let go of bitterness, blame and anger. I finally realised today that no matter what I say, when these three emotions are attached to every conversation - no conversation is ever going to be a productive one.

I do not think there is any logic that can be attached to the situation.

Today I realised that it is pointless even trying.

So on that note I am just going to accept that we are in very different places. I am going to concentrate on raising and supporting these 4 beautiful but slightly smelly boys. I have no real idea how I will meet the financial costs over their lifetime but I will do it. I will do it because that is what you do as a parent. You move heaven and earth to protect and provide for your children.

Further more, I shall have a perfectly tended bikini line and gorgeous knickers.

Sunday 11 April 2010

Spiked heels and happiness

Yesterday I took delivery of a pair of 4in platform heels. Very tasty. The small boys were overcome with delirium at a parcel being delivered. their little faces dropped a little when they realised they were Mummy's shoe fix but quickly realising that shoes makes Mummy happy and happy mummy makes happy boys - they were happy.

Today we went to the car boot sale. There were a pair of strange contraption that you attach to your feet. Embedded with spikes, you traipse up and down the lawn with them and suitably rejuvenated grass follicles breed. Result is lush grass. Apparently.

Having spent last year aerating the lawn with a fork and the year before with a pizza cutter, I was tempted.

Briefly.

If someone had agreed to lie on top of the grass before I stepped forth wearing 3 inch spike it may have sealed the deal.

Saturday 10 April 2010

Going round in circles no more - Excuse me Sir, you are misaken.

I recently had a conversation with someone on the pros's and cons of counselling versus NLP. I was never one for counselling, picking over the cherry stones has never been my bag. I am too good at analysing to have enough faith in anyone to do it for me.

It appears that someone that was once very important to me, has been a little confused over my rambling and has mistaken light bulbs for wallowing. Let me explain the difference:

Wallowing is when you accept the way you are and the situation around you as something that just is. Something that you can do nothing about. Light bulbs are when you see the obvious for the first time, despite it maybe being obvious to others. When you see the self defeating circles that you have created around yourself and the impact they have had on the choices you have made, and the paths you have walked.

Lightbulb is when you see it for what it is. Self defeating.

The joy of the NLP is that it allows you to see this, acknowledge it and slowly, kiss goodbye to it all.

Whatever the reasons I have done things, whatever the things that I have done are - seeing how they are all interlinked has been fascinating. There have been times of recent note that have challenged me. The truth was simple. The way I had been dealing with life, was no longer working. This is not wallowing, this is slowly embracing.

So now I have to be different, now I have to face the fears that prevented me having the career that I could have had, the relationships that I felt I deserved and the life that I choose. There is no longer anyone else making decisions in which I have no say and this alone, has to be one of the best things that could have happened.

Yes, facing your demons is tricky but when you realise that the only person that has truly prevented anything happening, is yourself - it is time to take a deep breath and get on with it.

Little things, like an aversion to calling people I don't know have had to be dealt with. Unless I can call people, I cannot earn money, so I have to call people. It is staggeringly simple. Hard but simple.

Being the source of financial support for 4 children is daunting, but I have no choice. No one else is offering to do it for me. In solving those issues, I am taking control and this is an exciting thought.

In accepting that I have made poor choices in relationships, I can start putting my needs first and not putting up with other peoples issues when those issues start to affect me.

This is the start of a new life, a great one. It is not about wallowing it is about light bulbs.

On another note. Yesterday I gave away a large tub of specialist paint finish on freecycle. Today I posted for perspex sheets for the garden shed windows. This evening, the person who took the paint finish, sent their son around with two perspex windows. Not content with giving them away, he insisted on fitting them as well.

Sometimes, life is just peachy.

Wednesday 7 April 2010

Going around in circles

It would appear that life is full of journeys, some more difficult than others. I am beginning to suspect that the most difficult journeys are the ones that offer the biggest rewards.

The Hypnotherapy and NLP are such a journey. We all reach a point in our lives that we realise that whatever it is we do in life to cope, may no longer work. Sadly, I suspect that many people learn it just before they take their last breath. I have no desire to be one of those.

NLP is proactive. You visulaise what you want to achieve and where you want to be. Then you work out what you need to do to achieve it. The hypnotherapy is trickier. Your sub conscious puts in various blocks to prevent you achieving those things and all for various reasons. Unpicking those is emotionally difficult.

Back to the can of worms. The lid is firmly open. When I was a young teenager, I was hoisted out of my life within 14 days. One day I had a horse, a dog, a cat, lived in the country and had friends at the local school. Within 14 days I was in a boarding school in another county with my parents preparing to go and live in Hong Kong. I cannot say I was overjoyed.

Saying what I think has never been a problem for me. Saying what I need has been an issue. I coped for a while and then I stopped eating. Eventually, having worked through the 'not being able to leave the dining hall until food had passed my lips', it was acknowledged it was going to be a problem. I was taken out of boarding school and got a flight to the Far East.

Then other stuff happened. With an entrenched habit of not being able to verbalise how I felt about things, combined with lots of 'things' - I had a period of minor self harm. I still remember the sensation of doing it. It sounds appalling to describe but the sense of cutting your arm was like a breath of fresh air.

I read a little about self harm this evening. Not uncommon in teenage girls and very common with young people who feel unable to express what is going on internally. Self harm is about being able to control something at a time when you can control nothing else. Physical pain releases emotional pain. People who self harm tend to be perfectionists, tend to need to control their own 'stuff'.

I had forgotten alll about it until last weeks hypnotherapy. It hit me like a train that in fact I still self harm, just in a different way. I no longer cause myself physical pain but am adept at causing myself emotional pain. The irony is that I do this to prevent anyone else hurting me. Whatever happens in my life, I never choose to consciously hurt anyone else. I firmly believe that we must all take responsibility for our own actions. What I fail to address is that my own subconscious belief that I need no one, though in a bid to protect myself from hurt - only serves to hurt me since in letting no one in, I am doomed to be hurt by the fact that no one can really get close. That is self harm.

It is beginning to make me wonder if I chose to marry someone that I knew could never give me emotional support, because in doing so I could continue to protect myself from anyone being able to hurt me. That was fairly stupid since no matter what we tell ourselves, we all want to be loved for who we truly are. The more you present as someone you are not, the more likely it is that we never feel truly loved. Duh

This week was equally tough. I dealt with stillbirth. The ultimate show of how I could cope emotionally, was when I gave birth to a lifeless baby. Today I sobbed. Not totally, I still feel uncomfortable with it, it sill feels alien and I could still feel myself fighting it. but I cried. After years of perfecting the art of describing the experience of stillbirth with no emotional connection to myself, it felt very raw. There are no adequate words. Giving birth to a dead baby is like having your soul ripped from you.

The aftermath of a still birth is awful. People handle things in very different ways. I never, ever got upset publicaly. I coped. My mind was another matter. The struggle of such huge pain and appearing to cope was challenging. At times it tipped me over the edge. One day I burnt all poured petrol over my clothes and set alight to them. I could not bear the fact that I had worn them when I was pregnant and the baby was now dead. I hated those clothes and was in control of nothing. I couldn't tell anyone, I couldn't begin to describe the pain. So I burnt the clothes.

The nearly ex husband never talked about it. I told myself and everyone else that he showed his support by never judging me when I lost it. I was deluding myself. He was not equipped to deal with emotions, particularly not anyone elses. Not his fault, just the way it is. My fault for not recognising that I had chosen a partner that was simply not capable in giving me the one thing I needed in life, emotional support and love. The one thing I have spent my life telling myself I do not need turns out to be the very thing I need and the thing that scares me most.

When you have a pathological aversion to being vulnerable, there is no better solution to marry someone that is not equipped to give it. More self harm. I am beginning to think that I am not in fact, as emotionally aware as I had thought.

On the upside, it's all starting to slot into place. All the patterns of self defeating behaviour, all of the issues with fear that keep me in my comfort zone, all being exposed. Fear is a great thing. It causes you to avoid and to face issues. Take your pick which one is the best option.

I also realised this weekend that those that try and hurt me, no longer can. The damage they cause is to themselves and to innocent parties. I have spend far too much of my life allowing myself to be damaged. By others and by myself. Those that I have allowed to damage me in the past are no longer capable. How they deal with that is now firmly their issue and not mine. I no longer need to anaylase it. I just accept it as it is. Other peoples unkindness is a reflection of them and not one that has anything to do with me.

Losing that little boy taught me other things. The intense love I feel for the little ones sometimes overwhelmes me. I have never been particularly 'Mummsy'. I would fight to the death for my children, equally I would be the first to hand them in if they did anything wrong. I do not pander to them, I like self sufficient children. I do not wear 'Mummsy' clothes, I do not spend my life entertaining them. I spend a proportion of my time lying in bed wondering what the point to it all is. Raising 4 children myself often leaves me wondering if I am failing all of them. Perhaps, but they all know that above all else, they are loved.

After the nearly ex husband left, he told me that he had never wanted the last two. He thought it would make things better. It was a comment that truly shocked me. I am not sure why anyone would think that having more children would make things better, it could only ever make things harder. Yet, I know that having given birth to a little boy that was never going to make it, to have been given to healthy, living breathing children is the kind of thing that makes you realise just how precious life is.

The other issue addressed today was what I would seek in a relationship. Having already worked through goals and desires for work, finances, health, fitness and spirituality, this was the one area that compromise was not on offer. Having spent most of my life in the wrong relationship, I am not compromising on anything I need in any future plans. I cannot think of anything more soul destroying than a serious of half right encounters and really would rather be on my own. I have met men that would tick a multitude of boxes, but they leave me feeling nothing. What is the point?

So back to an IQ of over 135, a well toned body, a dry sense of wit, kindness, posture, emotionally aware, and a lateral thinker. The thing about NLP is that it reframes your reference. Instead of telling myself that the serial dater was the only person that I had ever met that can think like me and that caused that 'oh so not common' physical reaction on sight, I have been reframed.

Now I have proved I can meet someone who causes me the 'oh not so common' physical reaction on sight, a man with an IQ over 135, a well toned body, wit, lateral thinker. Fill in the gaps.

It really was quite easy.

"If you met a man that made you feel like the serial dater did but before he started the mind games. A man that had all his plus sides but that was not as emotionally damaged as he, how would you feel?" He asked

"Alive" said I

Simple. I just need to start believing it.

Tuesday 6 April 2010

Easter was cancelled

I moved the dates of Easter around. This is the first year that I have not had all of the children, courtesy of the calendar. Some were worried about participating in the annual Easter Egg hunt on the village green. A compromise was reached in which we simply swapped Easter Sunday to Monday. Clearly I had to write to the Easter Bunny, which I did.

This situation does not work well when you still have one child that does not go anywhere on alternate weekends. He didn't see why his Easter should be moved and saw no good reason why he should not slice into the annual Easter cake provided by one of the neighbours. Tis a tricky situation.

The little ones came back unusually quiet on Sunday night. Apparently the only thing that happened all weekend was that they got a biscuit. Sometimes, silence tells you more about a child's thought process than words ever could. As a consequence, I spent yet another night with small feet in my back and in my face. Great

I got breakfast in bed. One small child took all of the chocolate that he had come home with, broke it into a large amount of broken piece and presented in a bowl at 7.30am. Really sweet, very generous, but I defy anyone to eat a plate full of milky chocolate at that time of day. I don't even particularly like chocolate. Fortunately there are enough kleptomaniacs in the house to ensure a continually diminishing pile.

Then I was given some hastily drawn Easter cards, all declaring some form of adoration. Apparently I am 'the only mummy they have' (for true effect you have to say each word in an extended way, very slowly). As their only Mummy I feel I have the right to tell them that another Easter tradition is that all Mummy's get to spend an hour longer in bed. For a non religious household, we embraced the Easter thing with relish.

Suitably convinced by the loud knocking on the door of the Easter Bunny, the hunt commenced. It was finished in 8 minutes. I may have to try harder next year.

"I know what happened to the eggs that were in the bag" said small child

"Oh really"? say I

"Yes" he declares "They are the same eggs that were on the village green"

This is the point I start screaming

"Oh my God, the Easter Bunny stole my eggs, now I have no eggs to give you"

Having suitably tarnished the reputation of the bunny and successfully salvaged mine, I tell the teenager that the Easter Bunny had left a note saying it recognised that teenagers were too cool to be seen hunting on the village green. As such, his eggs had been hidden in the garden. He looks me up and down, then goes back to bed.

Fully into Easter mode, we had Roast Lamb and extended family to eat it. This is the point at which middle child starts telling us about various methods of lamb slaughter. Graphically. By the time we get to dessert everyone is a little less keen on Easter.

Saturday 3 April 2010

A Brand of loyalty, one to one

In recognition of the in roads NLP is making, I had my first session of training at the Apple store. In a flick of a return key, your personal trainer can tell everything there is to know about you, since it is all stored on your hard drive. Within three minutes of meeting, my personal trainer had worked out that I am fascinated by narcissists, am going through an extremely ugly divorce, been burnt by the serial dater and like Prada. We are now very intimate. Apparently I am relatively normal. Some of the pictures that come up in the iphoto sessions are not ones you would show your grandmother.

Having discussed my in depth knowledge of Apple Macs and my bizarre thought process, he quickly ascertained that we would be building up a deep and meaningful relationship. I would be there for a lot of training and he would spend a lot of time having to research things that he was not sure about. It seems the things that I need to understand are not ones that most of the nation worry about.

Nothing changes.

The Apple one-to-one is an incredibly canny move. It would appear fantastic value. Indeed it is. At £79 per year you can access as much one to one training as deemed necessary. If needed, the potential is there to go in every day which would make Apple comparatively cheap when you consider the cost of a PC and some dreadful computer course. Yet it is not about value, it is about brand loyalty and it works. I am now converted and will never go back to the dreadful PC again. Not only that, I have probably been responsible for at least 3 laptop sales on behalf of Apple. They treat me nicely, I tell other people and they all want to be treated nicely. In a society where being treated really nicely is comparatively rare, the cost of a laptop is peanuts.

Genius.

Interesting though. Apple have keyed into human need and to the one thing most of us fail to get. Treat people nicely and you create loyalty. So simple and yet seemingly so difficult for so many.

I had a conversation today with someone that dislikes me so much that they are incapable of looking me in the face. They clearly hold me reasonable for every bad feeling they have. In doing so, it makes a future of civility almost impossible. Every single thing I say is taken as a criticism which means it is not worth saying anything. This can only result in a situation where no information is shared, which will breed resentment and exclusion. Resentment and exclusion will cause more hatred and so the cycle will go on and on and on. Cycle after cycle of self fulfilling prophecy. It is a pattern of behaviour I am growing tired of witnessing.


One of the things that I had to work really hard on last year was the theory that since I cannot change other peoples behaviour, I could concentrate on changing my reaction to it. I can do that and it does indeed make facing adversity much easier. You can only be controlled if you are willing for that to happen. Anger is a reaction that you allow to happen. No one can make you angry, it is a choice you make yourself.

All great stuff and all true. However, I also realised today that if the other person is not willing to control their own reactions and assumptions to situations, than neither of you will reach a place of acceptance because one party will make that impossible. When you have been made the visual scapegoat for everything that has ever gone wrong in someone else's life, then every time they look at you, you become the reminder of everything that went wrong in their life.

This is the point that you realise that nothing you say or do will ever make the situation any different and there is no point in trying. Having reached a place of acceptance, they are blind to the fact that it no longer has any affect. The only people it hurts is them and the innocent victims caught up in it all.

Holding onto anger, bitterness and resentment is staggeringly unhealthy and sadly a form of self abuse. There are choices. Holding onto feelings attached to the past simply means that you can never really have a future.

Perhaps they will reach that point. Perhaps one day they will be happy in their choices and stop making other people responsible for their decisions. It is only at the point that you are willing to take responsibility for the choices you make, that happiness can ever been attained. For me, choosing to get rid of anger goes hand in hand of letting go of expectation. When you expect people to behave in a better why than they do, disappointment will follow. When you expect people to behave in the way that deep down you know they will, acceptance follows.

Punishing others will never provide good feeling. Guilt generally comes from bad behaviour. Bad behaviour frequently comes from not liking the feeling of guilt. Tis so simple, stop the bad behaviour, behave in the right way and the guilt goes. In punishing others, people all to frequently punish themselves.

Pointless