I am dying a death.

I went to the Gym tonight. I have failed to take into account a week of little sleep, little food and lots of stress. I have really struggled. It got ridiculous on Monday when I ended up in tears because I couldn't do what I wanted with the ease I had. I fell out with the thigh killer machine. It was killing me and I had a real issue with being beaten by a machine.

So I ran it all by Hard Core. Apparently eating is good, as is sleep. Apparently going to the gym for 5 days in a row is not good. Apparently getting through the routine in half the time is good but means that it gets harder, rather than easier. Given that part of the reason for joining the gym was to keep fit enough to ward off bouts of Post viral Fatigue, there is a chance I may have been overdoing it. That's a tough call, you push yourself to get fit and pushing yourself would mean that you were unfit. I seem to spend far too much of my time walking on lines.

Apparently my hanging leg raise thing is good. This is good, since I was thinking it was a fairly cool thing. Only last week, I could do sets of ten and today I could only do 4 and had to finish it off with bent knees. By the time I finished the bent knees, I was on my knees.

So I am now signed up for a change of programme. No lightweight machines but another plan is a foot. Since I liked the trapeze thing, it will include it. He mentioned burpees. I thought he was talking in a kind of weird baby speak way but it is some sort of exercise routine. He then listed a whole host of other exercises he has in mind. I have absolutely no idea what they are. I still call everything the 'stomach thing' and the 'bar thing'. The only one I could work out was the handstand press ups. I saw him make a very muscly man do them last week and thought that should he ever make me do them - I would shoot him. Apparently I shall be doing those to0.

I think that on reflection, I may regret confiding that I had been finding my routine hard.

Today at work, I had took four calls from people who had no idea of their own phone numbers, one who's date of birth did not include a day or month and one who's four year old was definitely born in 1996. My favourite of the day:

"Can you tell me the name of the Dentist that you are currently registered with" I ask

"Dave" said the caller.

Part of the reason why I like this job is that I go home feeling more intelligent than I did when I started

Such a busy week. Decree Nisi, SEN tribunal and a Day in the Life of. This is my second day in the Life of. The last was when I had to spend the day in the life of a Rolls Royce salesman for Top Gear. I sold....no cars.

Today I was a PR consultant. I drank latte and and discussed sales figures. Not only did I discuss sales figures, I asked questions of production turnarounds. I barely recognised myself. The woman I was speaking with was certain that she recognised me. I have never seen her before in my life. This is fortunate as had she seen me before, she would recognise that I was in fact - making it all up.

Actually, I wasn't entirely making it all up but since words have never before left my lips, I felt like an almighty fraud. Still I have inordinate gratitude for the friend that appears to have faith in me and is determined to make me believe that I can achieve more than I think I can. Even this is not strictly true. I think I can but I avoid trying, just in case I am wrong and in fact, I can't.

Life is made very complicated by the thought processes that I have.

I had another, equally gorgeous friend do something truly lovely today. As I rushed into school in a suitably fake PR Consultant kind of way - she shoved a piece of paper in my hand. Having assumed it was a flyer, I threw it in the car. Only later did I realise that it was in fact a mini Spa Day. I am bowled over. No reason apparently, she just thought I deserved it.

Sometimes friends put your own friendship skills to shame. I am surrounded by people who have the capacity of generosity that I could never match. There is a possibility that she simply thought I was looking a tad rough or thought, perhaps that my eyebrows joined. I would hope to have noticed had she been staring at me for inordinate periods of times. A mutual friend of ours pointed out that I had in fact, got odd eyelashes. Great

I do however, accept that I am an entirely odd person and feel certain that most people that meet me, will never meet anyone quite like me again. I am not entirely sure whether this is a good thing or not. Perhaps this is my USP, I am a worm inside peoples head.

Yesterday, on the way back from the tribunal, the Educational Advocate that has been representing in the 'Fight the LA case' subjected me to 30 minutes on what I do not need in men. I recognise that everything he said would be quite correct for a sensible person, I also recognise that I rarely want what anyone else wants and this puts me at a disadvantage. My ability to compromise is well documented.

It also is a great sauce of irritation to my friends. Fiercely protective, there is now a general consensus of the type of male that would be appropriate or sufficiently balanced to be worthy of my affection. I have pointed out that there are very few stomach clenching 'stop you in your tracks' men around and I fail to see the point in men for the sake of it. Certainly not at the Gym, where they appear to be all GP referrals but apparently 'stop you in your track' kind of men are not the kind of men they have in mind. All very plausible and correct but all they get is my glazed expression. I fear they may have a secret desire to punch me.

For the special individual that gave me the Spa day. You now what goes on in my mind without the need for my words and I am ever indebted to your understanding and lack of judgement. I suspect this may mean you are as insane as I.

Perhaps this is why you are such a good friend X

It would seem that I am incapable of calling in at the neighbours without exceeding my limit of 1 glass of wine. Yet again I have had two. Yet again I am struggling with concentration as a result. Still, I always leave with a smile on my face and I feel this has little to do with the vino and more to do with the company.

Sleep deprivation has accelerated the effects of wine fermentation and I am struggling with concentration. Tomorrow I am an account executive, tonight I am supposed to be researching products so that I am a product aware savvy account exec. Clearly, this is a dry run but since my friend is prepared to put her reputation on the line in a bid to boost my confidence, I feel the need to boost my faking ability.

I had two hours sleep last night. There was the mere matter of cataloguing and getting up to speed with 5 inches of documentation. I went to bed at 3.30am with the alarm set at 5.30am. So worried that I had not prepared that I woke up every 20 minutes.

So today was the day. In terms of stress, i would not recommend a Sendist Tribunal Panel to anyone. Their level of questioning was inspired and rarely have I come across a group of people so able to cut to the core in minutes. Had i been representing as the professional I would have been sweating at the cross questioning. I had read that as a parent, this is the most stressful event. Personally I was beyond the well documented expectation of emotion and tears. As a result, I was able to hold my own.

i can honestly say that I have done everything I can. the chance of winning a specialist school placement is slim. In a system of inclusive education it is more than a challenge to prove that your child necessitates the individual funding of 29k. However, the argument was good, our views solid and there is nothing else I can give.

What will be will be and in 10 days time, I shall find out his future. I am not overly positive in a system in which the odds are stacked against this but I accept that I have done all I can. The likelihood that this was not enough is very real but I know that in years to comer, i can look him in the eye knowing that I fought solidly for three years to achieve everything that i thought he deserved.

The consequences of losing are all to real and do not bear consideration but today is today and it is nearly tomorrow.

With everything you want in life, you hope, you try and what will be will be.

I suspect that this entry is littered with gramatical error and poor punctuation. I suspect after another 5.30 alarm call, it will only deterioate.

Blame Australia. And with that note I am

A moments diversion from the arduous night ahead.

Tomorrow is Tribunal day. The culmination of 3 years challenging the Education Authority and the day that the future of Child two is decided.

I am not up to speed. With events of the last year I have found my level of detail retention lacking on the areas that I needed to be concentrating on. Namely, Child Two.

I have also had to arrange childcare by sucking up to people, looking harassed and bribery. They need to be in town by 7.20am. This will mean getting them up. I suspect that the dog will not have her early morning romp as I suspect a late night and rising at 5.30 a tad unrealistic. I have also organised a dog walker for 12pm. By then the Bitch will be more mental than normal and no doubt attack the walker.

In a moment i shall clear up. If the Dog Walker sees the current state of the kitchen she will have the dog taken to Claverton Down. This in itself is appealing. The Bitch has been picking up on tension and in so doing, is now adding to it.

I have a 5inch bundle of paperwork that I have to read, catalogue, highlight and know inside out. I need to memorise dates, events and write a 5 minute talk on this child. I then have to source an outfit that is suitably demure, yet authoritative. Then come the uniform, sandwiches etc. I suspect no bed tonight.

I came very close to applying for a full time job today. It wasn't perfect. It meant that the children would have to be in a lot of childcare and the dog would have to be shot. With childcare for the 2 little ones coming in at 9.6k and travel there and back, I would make the sum total of £40 more per week. It was best not to think about it and concentrate on the £40 more is £40 more approach. This did not allow for child care for Child Two.

I was quite proud of my acceptance. My friend was horrified that I would apply for a Junior position. When it comes to work, I have little pride. Someone that I was once married to said to me, when I accepted my telephone answering job - that he wouldn't get out of bed for the money I was earning. Since it paid for the petrol to drive my car, I did get out of bed for it. My view is that £9 is £9 more than I have by not getting out of bed. I readily accept that I do not have a proven history in much of note. Friends attitude is that I don't need to, I just need to have the confidence to carry it off. This is the point I went white.

Within 5 minutes, she had made an appointment with a client. On Friday I am attending a meeting as an executive. Apparently, I will learn everything I need to know and will pick up 20 years of technological drought in the next couple of days. I have decided it is best not to think about it. She decided that she knows me well enough to recognise that had she given me long enough to think about, I would have thought about it and talked myself out of it.

Life would be a barren, barren place without friends. They see through you. Truly great ones see through you, believe in you and challenge you. When I am super confident exec of the year, I will have my friends to thank. Lets just see.

I learnt the downside to my pragmatic approach with regard to the bathroom light bulb. It became apparent when I realised that little one was right in his complaint about the tooth tasting horrid. I was cleaning his teeth with Simple facial exfoliant. What can I say. It was dark, it was a tube. Poor love.

On a final note, Child Two has sent a new ringtone for my phone. It is a round from a AK47. Apparently, he played it behind a friend at school and for a moment, he thought he had been shot. This is precisely what I need. I cannot wait for someone to call me. I

A tricky day. Life is always tricky when you feel a rising sense of panic. I have been suffering a rising sense of panic for 24 hours. I slept for 2 hours. I woke up at 6.30am to walk the dog. I made lunches, I rouse reluctant children and got cross with them. I hate parents that shout in the morning. Today I start off by hating myself.

I struggled at the gym. Halfway through my work out, I burst into tears and had to retreat. I burst into tears because I am panicking. I am panicking because I feel overwhelmed. This is a roundabout and I need to get off. I may need 24 hours to relearn the art of breathing. Panicking solves nothing, I know this - I have been here before. Breathe

I also burst into tears because having done so well in the gym, I felt like a failure for struggling. I realise now what I had forgotten from the last few years,. Emotional exhaustion is physically more debilitating than physical exhaustion. I struggled at the gym because my mind is overwhelming me. I have foolishly put myself in a place where worrying about the future is impacting on the present. Bad move.

I helped in school this afternoon, It is my Monday thing. Not entirely selfish reasons. I figured that it would hold in good stead in case a job came up. In truth, I dread it and start feeling a little impatient. This is because I have so many other things that I need to do and they are constantly whirring in my head.

Within 10 minutes, you get why people work with children. Today I had to teach them straight stitching to complete their felt hand puppets. The concentration required meant for those 10 minutes, nothing else in their world mattered. They simply do not have the ability to multi think because this is the first time they have sewn. It takes monumental powers of concentration, all in hand eye co-ordination, manual dexterity and so on.

This is the beauty of children. To be able to concentrate solely on the task in hand. To have no question that you will achieve it, simply because someone has told you that you will.

Apparently we as parents, as teachers - are here to teach children. I think we may have that the wrong way around. If there is one thing having children does, is ground you. Even if it is just for a moment.

I rarely feel overwhelmed. Today I do.

There are simply too many things going around my head, too many things on my to do list and too many problems I have to solve.

Tomorrow my Decree Nisi is read. Strange that you don't have to be there to hear it. I can imagine the judge spends the entire day rolling his eyes around, dispensing yet another statistic in the pile of broken marriages and adding to the single parent ratio of the country. All across the UK will be people delighted, relieved or miserable.

I wonder how many hundreds of others will be sitting awaiting their bit of paper. You would think in 2010 they could email it. By 2060 you will be able to get married online, should marriage still exist. I somehow doubt it.

The Decree Nisi seems a little worthless, no more than a rubber stamp in agreement of principle. Still, it is that one step closer.

I am desperately trying to find a way of ensuring the children do not get uprooted further, it is no easy task and definately in the face of adversity. Having the childrens future be dependent on me, is simply mind blowing overwhelming. I have cut back everything to the core and realised that no matter where we live - the bills will all be fairly similar. Problem is that in all the time I am looking and trying to come up with solutions, I am not actually earning anything. If I didn't have the children, I could work any hours I wanted. Ironic really.

I also have the Sendist tribunal this week. I finally managed to borrow the thousand pounds to pay for Educational Psychologist and simply added to the costs that appear to go with getting divorced. It is an absurd situation - the amount spent on lawyers will ultimately have been enough to buy a one bed flat in Norfolk. Apparently some people get divorced online for a mere 250.00. Oh for life to be that easy. If it carries on, I really will be looking at Norfolk.

So the tribunal is adding to my stress. I have a wireless printer. Only it is not working. I have to figure out how to get it working because I have to print off 450 pages of tribunal 'bundle'. Without it I am even more stuffed. I spent 4 hours today trying to figure it out. The only thing I learnt was that I am not technologically minded and I am still stuffed.

In the midst of this, I cooked 2 Sheppards pies, 1 Bolognese, 1 Moussaka and 2 lots of meatballs. Oh, that was forgetting the Cardoman encrusted roast dinner. I feel I have fully passed the course on how to produce some really boring meals using mince. It is now 11pm and I still have to freeze it all, clean up, make three lots of sandwiches and clean the bathroom.

The mouse on the computer is broken and now I have no right click. It only works if you take it out of the USB thing at least onve every 2 minutes. My laptop charger has died and the replacement one had disappeared in the post. The televisions still do not work and the light in the bathroom has gone for the 4th time in a month. It's back to candles. To top it all, the exhaust on the car seems to have an issue. I have exhaust fumes from the middle of the car and people keep thinking it is on fire. So did I the first time it happened, but I feel a little more accepting of it now. It is not on fire, I cannot do anything about it and shall simply continue to do nothing.

The teenagers bike is almost unrideable. All of the panels have now fallen off and yesterday it broke down acrooss the middle of an extremely dangerous junction. I am on the verge of running it over myself. I wish I had stuck to my original idea of not buying him one. He is as sick of it as I am.

Overwhelmed is not good.

£220

I am stuffed. The job I thought I had, that involved getting rid of my children to look after someone elses - is no longer.

I have spent several hours looking at local jobs that will accomodate the needs of several offspring and cover the costs involved. I draw the line at dirty phonecalls. Admitedly, it is £15 per hour but the long term effect would render it not worth it. I would despise men for the rest of my life.

This is tricky.

I may need to kill myself.