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Sunday, 22 February 2015

When women take men from behind

I have a very wealthy friend; lots of property, fabulous home, plenty of dosh and a pricey divorce. He is understandably cautious about dating women since he now recognises that his ex-wife was little short of a gold digger. A relationship with very little respect coming his way and when it came to an end, she was nothing short of vicious. Sadly, in his 40's and of generous nature, he now finds himself pretty wary of dating and it's easy to see why.

I know this because I went on a date with him, saw how much he spent on his divorce as a red flag and went instead, for a good friendship. The only evidence that he has that not all women are like this, is the fact that I didn't go on any more dates with him.

And it would have been so easy. As a single mother on a low income, with enough children to warrant an exceptionally large car - there can have been nothing easier than date a man that would make life a lot easier. But that is not how I am. After a financially and emotionally controlling marriage, I swore blind that I would never be controlled by money again and neither would I accept a relationship that did not have total honesty in it. Yes money makes life easier but not as much as honesty does. If I was in situation in which someone wasn't completely open and truthful - I would simply leave. If someone tried to manipulate me financially, the front door would bang as I left.

But it still staggers me just how many women will take what they can from a relationship, with no recognition that the person they are taking from is in fact, a human being with emotions, feelings and needs. And it staggers me just how many men do not see what is going on.

I am not advocating that a relationship should not be financially supportive. Of course it should, but men need to make sure that the women that they are in a relationship with them through love and not because of control. With my own experience, I have no idea how one gets to a place of trusting someones generosity. I have a pathological fear of conversations involving money and am pretty independent - which is fantastic except that I was raised to see financial union as much a part of commitment as emotional union. When I hear tales of women taking advantage of men and manipulating generosity for their own gain, it makes it harder for women like me to ever accept financial involvement from someone else.

So I was reading this today from a website that supports men in abusive relationships. I stumbled upon it a while back and realised that I had spent so long dealing with my own history of emotionally abusive relationships that I hadn't considered that men suffer them to. And yes, it's different. Men are raised to feel that they are the stronger sex, often the provider, the protector - and when you realise that, you realise that it's perhaps harder for a man to see what is going on at the hands of a manipulative woman.

Here’s the latest from CrazyBuster, Micksbabe. It is a follow-up to her article, How to Spot a Gold Digger.

This article will discuss the manipulations of the Gold Digger’s evil counter-part, the Damsel in Distress. Whereas the Gold Digger is overt in her, “Gimme, Gimme, Gimme” in exchange for sex and other favors, the Damsel in Distress is much more covert in her manipulations. In fact, you can think of the Damsel in Distress as a covert Gold Digger.

The Damsel in Distress’s shtick is that of the helpless waif, tied to the tracks with a train approaching. The Damsel in Distress first finds a Giver or Rescuer and begins appealing to his inherent generosity with her needy helplessness, and rewards him with gratitude and makes him feel like a Knight in Shining Armor for saving her.

The Damsel in Distress would have the Knight believe that, without his intervention, she would certainly perish. In this relationship, the Damsel in Distress has her needs met by fulfilling the Giver’s need to be needed.

In reality, the Damsel in Distress is lazy and shameless and is, essentially, seeking a host. She’s an entitled manipulative brat who was trained in this manner, either by observing a female role model, or by having a male role model who treated her like a Princess.

She is not responsible for her own actions or solving her own problems. She will never carry in her own groceries from the car. She will not mow the grass, take her car in for an oil change, move a piece of furniture or use a screwdriver, for anything. She will not get up in the middle of the night to care for her crying baby, even though she doesn’t work.

At best, she will insist that you work in feeding shifts. She hates changing diapers and will moan about it until you end up doing it and it becomes your job, exclusively.

The bills? Those are yours, too. It is your job to fund her shopping sprees and if there is not enough money left to pay the utilities, then you failed and you are not only no longer a Knight, but you are no longer a Man.

In the real world, all of us suffer natural consequences. The Damsel in Distress manages to find a Giver who is willing to insulate her from natural consequences, just as her parents did when she was a child. In fact, the Damsel in Distress is a child, emotionally. But a child with an adult intellect who learned how to be manipulative to continue getting all of her needs met by someone else.

Here are a few warning signs to watch for that might indicate you are dating, married to or divorcing a Damsel in Distress:

1. She’s always in peril. This is not normal. Normal people figure out how to get their shit together and avoid crises. The Damsel in Distress manufactures crises and uses them as her mating call.

2. She has problems with finances. Occasionally all of us run into some financial problems. But the difference in the Damsel in Distress and the rest of us (normal people) is that we figure out what went wrong in the first place, suffer a little until we get back on our feet, and don’t let it happen again. Improvise, adapt and overcome. The Damsel in Distress flops around like a flounder until someone takes pity on her and bails her out. Incidentally, the Damsel in Distress never pays back loans.

3. She “Can’t.” Normal people “can.” There are a long list of things that the Damsel in Distress “can’t” do, and that list looks very similar to what the Damsel in Distress doesn’t “want” to do. Avoid dating women who overuse the word, “Can’t.” Otherwise you will be the person picking up her dog’s poop out of the yard.

Before you think I am admonishing you for being generous, I’m not. There’s nothing wrong with being a Giver. It’s better than being a Taker. Givers make the world a better place. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if two Givers got together and gave to each other? Reciprocal giving – there’s a concept.

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