Monday 21 March 2011

The head nodders guide to sex

Sometimes I hear people say that sex is overarated, sometimes I nod my head in agreement. Head nodding is normally kindness, since to disagree would be to make them face the fact that they are probably the victim of poor sex syndrome. That would be cruel, so I nod.

They know the truth and that is why they kid themselves that sex is overrated. The more I nod, the more I make sympathetic noises the more they feel that sex that lasts less than three minutes or is so dull that you actually consider sleeping is entirely normal.

I used to say that sex was overrated. Mainly because it was. I also said it because the periods between threatened survival of the human race.

Good sex is never overrated.

Not that I have been thinking of sex.

Yours,

in the desert.

Sunday 20 March 2011

Everyday is a yesterday

The one great thing about life is that each and every day has the potential to be better than the last. It may not be, it may be. It's a chance, something may happen that makes it a worse day, or an event could occur that makes it the best day of your life. Those things are out of our control. Then there is state of mind - if you tell yourself that each day presents a new opportunity, then you are opening yourself to good things happen.

Today was a better day then yesterday. Tomorrow has the potential of being better.

Perhaps this is the purpose of sleep. Like a short coma that you wake up from and start your life again.

Sleep well X

And whilst I fight sleep


I thought I would post an out of focus picture of me in curlers. that's just the sort of classy madame that I am. My dear friend R and I have been having converstion on the cost of photographers. Since the seed of a business plan will involve them and there is the issue over money - none of it, I was thinking out of focus stling could be the way to go.

A creative trend is afoot.

Saturday 19 March 2011

Trapping your heart in the door

It has been a really positive week. I decided to start a business. I organised an office, I purchase a domain name, I finally oil my kitchen worktop, I clean my car and I actually eat food. Tonight, I even allow myslef the time to lie in bed and watch a film.

And then the tears start, from nowhere. Three hours later and they are still rolling down my face - as if from a constant and unstoppable source. I have no idea why they started and no idea of how to stop them. I am not sobbing, simply awash with tears. My face stings, my jaw aches and I feel like my chest has lead weight upon it.

Perhaps this is the irony on being strong. I have always been strong - nothing, absolutely nothing will break me and no matter what is thrown my way, I shall continue to get up every day and continue my belief that it will all be okay. I became this strong not by choice but over a serious of events. Perhaps this isn't strength at all, perhaps it is nothing more than barriers.

Perhaps staying in a marriage awash with pretence and unhappiness was never strength, it was cowardice.

I have uttered to many a teenager that should I tell them anything in life worthy of them paying heed to, it would be that love does not mean that you are with the right person. Love does not mean you should make a life with them.

What if your real strength is when you finally realise that something is not right and you shut the door on. What if shutting the door on something despite how deeply you feel, is the right thing to do. What if the staying positive was a combination of denial and protection, set to distract you from the fact that your heart had become deeply and utterly exposed. What if you have finally reached a stage where you are in touch with your emotions enough that you can cry without obvious cause, that despite knowing that shutting that door was the right thing to do, that you miss them. What if strength is shutting the door on something that you deep down you know you don't want to shut the door on.

It hurts, it really, really hurts.

And yet I know that the sadness I feel is a sign that I have become stronger. All will be well in the morning.

I am just not sure which one

Monday 14 March 2011

Knee Deep in it

Uncharacteristically fed up.

It would appear that my assumption of stuffed knee is entirely correct. I have stuffed the other knee and it appears there is only one way out of this tricky situation.

Another operation.

The GP tried to put it gently, as if they would merely brush my leg with the smallest of invasion.

"They will have a little look, a little tidy up and maybe a repair"

"I had an arthroscopy 18 months ago" say I

"Oh no" says she "You know exactly what you will be facing then"

No kidding.

I can barely remember the last one. Trying to recover from an op at the same time as discovering your husband had a hankering for polyester (though looking back, he always did) was hardly conducive to recovery and resulted in being on crutches for 5 weeks.

I have googled how to drive your children to school when you can't and nothing of any use came up. I googled how much the operation was privately but decided that 2k on a credit card was a bad idea since I could not pay it back. How much easier, no hideous hospital, no cancellations. I could book it next week and rid myself of continued pain with the inevitable months waiting. Over and done with whilst I am still fed up.

Perfect.

All donations of £2k made payable to me. Thank you in anticipation.

Sometimes life is a little unfair. I am trying not to dwell on it and remain positive. This is challenging, since I am now allergic to the pain relief.

Bugger

Sunday 13 March 2011

A different perspective

Whilst I know that there are more important things in life than high heels, I know that my passion for them is entirely superficial and that in the great scheme of life, they are irrelevant - no matter how irrelevent - I love them.

High heels to me are like Prozac to others. No matter how taxing life is, it seems utterly bearable in 5 inch heels. Life on the flat is frankly, dull.

Weekend four of flats and I find myself cleaning the car. It was like being married. So utterly mind blowingly, arse achingly dull - that if I even considered whether I should embrace impending doom and go to the garden centre. I choose Life and jet washed the wheel arches instead.

Then it struck me how easy it is to give up life in a marriage. Before you know it, you are living a life of humdrum, jut because slipping into parody mode is all to simple one in the years following the trip up the aisle.

If I have to cosign myself to anymore of my life slipping into a role that I feel that I am supposed to slip into, then take me forest way and dart me.

I miss my heels. I simply like the new perspective they have given me.

I felt a little guilty today. Perhaps I had proven the thoughts of others by shutting a door firmly shut. I have been fighting the feeling of mild guilt all day.

I think healthy is when you don't have to to leave the door ajar but someone chooses to break it down. Who knows but I suspect that I am a perplexing individual.

Short, but perplexing

Saturday 12 March 2011

Waynes World

Somebody wrote an amazing comment today. I won't publish it because it was personal to them and so long in it's wisdom that it was almost a blog in itself.

In essence, I guess it was saying that there are some things that you can change, some things you can't and some things you can worry about and shouldn't.

I am no longer dating anyone. I have learnt that you can only ever really date in the present, you cannot predict the future and you living entirely in the past is a particularly bad idea. What you cannot do is persuade anyone else to be in the present with you. People's pasts can dictate their present, sucking them into a whirlpool of self fulfilling behaviour.

I feel saddened but I am not broken. I finally see that these are not my issues, they are not a reflection of me, Perhaps in some peculiar way I should be flattered. A relationship that reached the stage where the barriers were sufficiently lowered to let in pain before fear took over. Perhaps I shall ponder.

The universal truth is acceptance. To accept yourself dispenses with so much angst. You meet someone, you like them, do they like you? You text someone, they text you, do you text back, will you appear to keen - so it goes on. 'Tis all about being accepted and yet the one thing we rarely do is have emotional honesty. We rarely admit our deepest needs.

This is far more so for men. Hidden behind a mask of masculine armour, it is far harder for men to admit they crave emotional intimacy. Far easier to man it up, to face the world as strong. Yet I think men consider as much as women, they worry as much about rejection, if not more than women. They worry about getting their needs met at he same time as meeting the needs of a woman in a way that completely fits in with their 'man code' Men do all the same things as women, just in a different way.Men do not sit there and analyse with their friends the way in which women do, it stays in their head. Emotionally damaged, immature, whatever word you use, men do not unpick their behaviour, they go on gut instinct. If causes anxiety, get rid the problem.

I did a good job this time of recognising what I do and do not need. Whether I shall ever come across it I have no idea. The future is the one thing I will never be able to predict. Yet I see a pattern. I meet people, I get to know them, I love them - this can be friends, lovers, marriage it makes little difference. Then, they cannot face me, simply cannot look me in the eye.

It causes me an immense sadness and confusion. I no longer tie it in with my ego and damage myself, since I know that is not from any action I have chosen. It is simply something in me, that makes some people see something in themselves that they are not strong enough to accept.

It is not until you accept that you can ever be truly loved. Intimacy is about revealing the true you, bit by bit, piece by piece.

Someone in town told me the other day that you never really understand yourself until you understand how you are perceived by others. I am well aware of how people assume my confidence. And to a degree I am. I am now okay with myself and accept the fears that I have, I accept that I choose men that cannot allow to much emotional connection because I am simply terrified of the concept of safe, intimate emotionally connected love because I do not really believe it exists.

Only this time I saw a glimmer of it, I felt female and I liked it.

But sometimes, I feel saddened that someone elses deep emotional fear prevents them attaining honest, deep meaningful and non dependent love, because their fear means another door shuts in my heart.

I will never regret the men I fall in love with. I have learnt something about people and about myself from every single person in my life. Those people become part of you.

Life is very short, it can change in an instant.

The only moment you can live in, is the one you are living in now.

Monday 7 March 2011

Synchronised breathing

I am disovering things.

Sorting your own crap only works if others sort theirs out too. This takes the kind of synchronicity rarely seen in modern life and one which I keep missing.

Breathing very, very deeply.

Sometimes things turn out the way that you expected but not the way you hoped. It hurts, but one needs to take the view that in when you take a stand against expectation and go with opportunity - that no matter how painful, you will learn so much on the way.

Still, the ability to wear high heels would help a lot right now.