It has been a really positive week. I decided to start a business. I organised an office, I purchase a domain name, I finally oil my kitchen worktop, I clean my car and I actually eat food. Tonight, I even allow myslef the time to lie in bed and watch a film.
And then the tears start, from nowhere. Three hours later and they are still rolling down my face - as if from a constant and unstoppable source. I have no idea why they started and no idea of how to stop them. I am not sobbing, simply awash with tears. My face stings, my jaw aches and I feel like my chest has lead weight upon it.
Perhaps this is the irony on being strong. I have always been strong - nothing, absolutely nothing will break me and no matter what is thrown my way, I shall continue to get up every day and continue my belief that it will all be okay. I became this strong not by choice but over a serious of events. Perhaps this isn't strength at all, perhaps it is nothing more than barriers.
Perhaps staying in a marriage awash with pretence and unhappiness was never strength, it was cowardice.
I have uttered to many a teenager that should I tell them anything in life worthy of them paying heed to, it would be that love does not mean that you are with the right person. Love does not mean you should make a life with them.
What if your real strength is when you finally realise that something is not right and you shut the door on. What if shutting the door on something despite how deeply you feel, is the right thing to do. What if the staying positive was a combination of denial and protection, set to distract you from the fact that your heart had become deeply and utterly exposed. What if you have finally reached a stage where you are in touch with your emotions enough that you can cry without obvious cause, that despite knowing that shutting that door was the right thing to do, that you miss them. What if strength is shutting the door on something that you deep down you know you don't want to shut the door on.
It hurts, it really, really hurts.
And yet I know that the sadness I feel is a sign that I have become stronger. All will be well in the morning.
I am just not sure which one
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