Waynes World

Somebody wrote an amazing comment today. I won't publish it because it was personal to them and so long in it's wisdom that it was almost a blog in itself.

In essence, I guess it was saying that there are some things that you can change, some things you can't and some things you can worry about and shouldn't.

I am no longer dating anyone. I have learnt that you can only ever really date in the present, you cannot predict the future and you living entirely in the past is a particularly bad idea. What you cannot do is persuade anyone else to be in the present with you. People's pasts can dictate their present, sucking them into a whirlpool of self fulfilling behaviour.

I feel saddened but I am not broken. I finally see that these are not my issues, they are not a reflection of me, Perhaps in some peculiar way I should be flattered. A relationship that reached the stage where the barriers were sufficiently lowered to let in pain before fear took over. Perhaps I shall ponder.

The universal truth is acceptance. To accept yourself dispenses with so much angst. You meet someone, you like them, do they like you? You text someone, they text you, do you text back, will you appear to keen - so it goes on. 'Tis all about being accepted and yet the one thing we rarely do is have emotional honesty. We rarely admit our deepest needs.

This is far more so for men. Hidden behind a mask of masculine armour, it is far harder for men to admit they crave emotional intimacy. Far easier to man it up, to face the world as strong. Yet I think men consider as much as women, they worry as much about rejection, if not more than women. They worry about getting their needs met at he same time as meeting the needs of a woman in a way that completely fits in with their 'man code' Men do all the same things as women, just in a different way.Men do not sit there and analyse with their friends the way in which women do, it stays in their head. Emotionally damaged, immature, whatever word you use, men do not unpick their behaviour, they go on gut instinct. If causes anxiety, get rid the problem.

I did a good job this time of recognising what I do and do not need. Whether I shall ever come across it I have no idea. The future is the one thing I will never be able to predict. Yet I see a pattern. I meet people, I get to know them, I love them - this can be friends, lovers, marriage it makes little difference. Then, they cannot face me, simply cannot look me in the eye.

It causes me an immense sadness and confusion. I no longer tie it in with my ego and damage myself, since I know that is not from any action I have chosen. It is simply something in me, that makes some people see something in themselves that they are not strong enough to accept.

It is not until you accept that you can ever be truly loved. Intimacy is about revealing the true you, bit by bit, piece by piece.

Someone in town told me the other day that you never really understand yourself until you understand how you are perceived by others. I am well aware of how people assume my confidence. And to a degree I am. I am now okay with myself and accept the fears that I have, I accept that I choose men that cannot allow to much emotional connection because I am simply terrified of the concept of safe, intimate emotionally connected love because I do not really believe it exists.

Only this time I saw a glimmer of it, I felt female and I liked it.

But sometimes, I feel saddened that someone elses deep emotional fear prevents them attaining honest, deep meaningful and non dependent love, because their fear means another door shuts in my heart.

I will never regret the men I fall in love with. I have learnt something about people and about myself from every single person in my life. Those people become part of you.

Life is very short, it can change in an instant.

The only moment you can live in, is the one you are living in now.