Delivery of my new baby

I am having a lull in shoe fixes. Another torn meniscus and the longest and most hated ban on heels in the history of shoe addiction has had to see a change in purchasing high.

Meet my new baby. He took me days of reading to choose (don't start me on the the benefits of the aluminium clips) and a further 5 days to make the final decision. I could have saved a sum but could not wait. He will be here tomorrow ( I know since I am tracking his DHL status.

I have always hankered after a pressure washer.

So utterly excited and a little worried about that level of excitement

When boys become men, in search of happiness

It has been a really hard week. Certainly a crash and burn one. The physical toll has been immense, I ache to a level that I can find insufficient drugs for and I have lost 7 pounds. I have achieved nothing of any note and yet when I look back over the course of the last few days, I am stunned that not only have I survived it but at how much there has been to deal with.

This is the week in which I discover there is something potentially up with one of my beautiful boys. Not life threatening, but most certainly life changing and the implications of which do not bear thinking about. So I have tried not to. I have promised him that no matter what life throws at him, there is always a way of dealing with it, just perhaps in a different way than he assumes it will be.

Then I face the recognition that I am a little emotionally screwed. This has been a little tricky but since a lifelong pattern has not worked, the only thing to do is to change it. This in itself is no easy task but hey, I like a challenge.

It has been a watershed week in so many ways,. Inbetween all the revelation, discovery and heartache I have had to work, sort the house out and continue with both work and the business plan (and boy did that slide this week).

Having realised just how my own patterns of behaviour are based in not truly believing in love, I thought I had better check with one of the many sons that he felt loved.

"Do you feel loved"? Say I

"Of course" say's he

"I want you to know that you should never change your self to be loved by others, that you are beautiful person just the way you are" say I

"You are not really like other Mothers, are you?" say's he

(No shit, Sherlock) thinks I

"Are you happy"? I continue

"Not really" he say's "It's school"

My heart pounds, I feel alarm that if he admits to being unhappy then it must be bad, and gratitude that he feels able to raise an issue with me.

"What's up"

He looks at the floor, then looks up at me with his beautiful blue eyes

"It starts too early, finishes too late and I really hate going on a Monday"

The male ability to leave me utterly speechless starts a lot younger than I thought.

Multi million pound ego

Gosh a night of illumination and much thought.

I finally get it all. 'Tis all self hate and egocentric behaviour. My value on myself is based on ego, which is entirely false. My inability to voice my needs is about my hatred towards myself, defined by my ego

But since my ego is false, I have defined my life by believing something that was never there in the first place. Apparently such ego is set in place by the age of seven. This is alarming since all of my children are older than this.

Blinding. So, having based 42 years of my life on something that was never there it is time to move on.

Tonight I tried to build a social network site. I didn't do it. I haven't failed, I just didn't do it. A seed of an idea that I just need to plant

In truth, I find this whole technology thing a bit tricky. Still tomorrow is another day.

I am also in the throws of starting a business. Last week I chatted with the 'co-founder' of our not yet started business.

"What is your view for an exit strategy" I ask. We both had the same view

"Take a stab at what you aim to sell at in 7 years" say I

She said £20 million at the same time I said 22.

Life is full of signs, possibility and strangeness.

I think we only see what we need to see when we are ready to ee it. This in itself is odd, since one of my favourite expressions as a child was "I see said the blind man as he walked into the post"

Life is what it is

I am Medusa

I have many abilities. I can rebuild an engine, milk a goat and spray a car. Most of these have had limited use over the years but the one skill I have that continues in its development is my ability to have grown men too scared to look me in the eye.

I have considered the obvious. Spot on the chin, mono brow, halitosis - but none seem to quite fit the bill. This week the thunderbolt hit.

I keep quiet. I think that being non demanding, being cool with behaviour that frankly, is not cool means that I am cool. I think that if I prove I have no needs, no expectations and no demands then I must be a really nice person. So nice in fact, there have been times that I thought I have emotional bulemia.

Yet I do not think their behaviour is okay, I think it sucks. Yet so convinced that if I say anything the inevitable will happen, the relationship will end that I keep silent. All the little games, the 24 hours to respond to a text yet they call you within 2 if you don't respond to theirs. The shit behaviour they pre-empt by saying "Do you think I am a lazy lover?" The answer to that one is that if you have to ask, you already know the answer. And so it goes on.

So I accept the behaviour and they feel great. I offer a very large pass that say's take the piss.

Yet I clock it all. And when the time comes I shoot from the hip in the kind of character assassination that will hurt. It hurts because it is all too often deadly accurate and I gave no warning. Then they feel shit.

The ex husband would never argue with me. He controlled any disharmony with sulking. If I tried to say that I wasn't happy about something he simply refused to speak for days on end. Then I would know that it simply wasn't worth it. I suspect this is where I learned to keep my mouth shut and clock it all. I once said "But I didn't say anything that wasn't true'

"Exactly" he said "That's why it hurt"

So I create my own death. The men I care about (I am not including ex marital relationships) are the ones that I destroy relationships with through my own behaviour. I offer no honesty, I allow myself to be fucked around and then become indignant at the injustice of it all. When I then demand some honesty from them, I fire a bullet. Then they cannot look me in the face.

Tis ironic that I demand honesty and yet the only honesty I ever give is my views on them.

Perhaps I do men an injustice. Perhaps if I had boundaries, then I would only meet the kind of men that respect them.

Seems that I am not that bright after all.