What have the Romans ever done for us? Divorce Italian style

In September last year, the high court overturned 180 divorces involving Italian nationals who had used a PO box address as proof of residence. That is 360 people pretty keen on being divorced and now consigned to the grindingly slow process that is the Italian divorce system.

Generally speaking, when one decides that enough is enough and the marriage vows are no longer worth the paper they are written on, most of us are pretty keen to get the paperwork stamped and get on with our lives.  The Italian divorce system is not known for making this process any easier, hence why so many tried to make use of a system in which allows couples that no longer want to be together, to be apart.

Except the Italian that my partner is married to. Being married to an Englishman gives a few advantages. Not only does it secure a few more options later in life for any offspring, but should the marriage fail, it affords the option of divorcing, legally - in the UK. Once agreed, within a short few months you can get on with perhaps the only commitment that is lifelong - parenting.

The alternative is grim, 3 years separation that only counts from the day you stand in front of the judge and only if you are in agreement. Any period that you weren't sharing the marital bed is discounted.  It can take months to get in front of the judge and the period up to this is defined by how long it takes to come to an agreement, or how long it takes you to make the other person give in to your demands. Failure to agree to consensual separation could see you still married a decade later.

So it came as a bit of a surprise that the woman that my partner is married to demanded an unnecessarily protracted route that causes upset all around. Not as one might assume, that she wants a husband - it was abundantly clear that she no longer wanted one of those. And clearly not because she wanted him to get on with his life, equally abundant that his feelings really never counted in this equation.  And it is nothing to do with having a child, since divorcing in the UK does not alter child access agreements being agreed in the Italian courts. And it's nothing to do with religion.

So I am left completely perplexed as to why an apparently intelligent Italian woman, with a moderately prominent role in the media, would dictate that a protracted Italian divorce must be pursued when the option of a UK filed divorce is available. Apparently, to do otherwise would result in a re-enactment of the War of the Roses.

When I first first found myself in a relationship with a man yet to be divorced but living in a different country to his estranged wife, I was happy to be obliging.  When the time came, happy in reassuring this woman that her daughter would always be her daughter, we would be an extension of her fathers life and when and if her daughter was in my company, that she would always be safe and cared for.

I was at the time, happy to meet, to show that I posed no emotional threat, no danger. And I would do this because I have been on the other side, of knowing that my children spend time with another woman and knowing that I have no say in what influence she has.  I know the fear of letting go and the just how hard it can be accepting that you do not have total control of a child's life. Particularly when you are no longer involved with the father. This of course, was on the assumption that this divorce would be perfectly civilised, since the man she is divorcing has been perfectly civilised.

And then she made it abundantly clear that she would make life hell if he filed for divorce in the UK. He, being a man that takes the path of least resistance, a man that has struggled to see how controlling this situation is, a man that has his daughter held as ransom on far too many occasions - was so petrified to the consequences of filing under threat, has gone along with an Italian divorce route that most sane Italians would bite his hand off to avoid.

So at this point, I an not interested in meeting this woman. I don't need to reassure her, what she thinks of me is not relevant to my existence and not relevant to my relationship. And I don't need to reassure of my ability to be around children because the only person that needs to be certain of that, is her daughters father. Since he is so involved in my own children's life - he can make his own mind up.

If you want your child to accept that you are no longer together, its far easier to do so when you are not married and have no ties other than co-parenting. If you want your child to understand that marriage is important then creating a situation in which parents are still married but one party is living with another family, makes it a pretty complex equation.

And the rub is that I believe in marriage. I absolutely believe in commitment and I totally believe in the concept that my children, having lived through and witnessed an unpleasant marriage and divorce should benefit from the chance of celebrating a newly formed family. So holding out for a longer divorce has created a situation that creates unnecessary tension, potentially unnecessarily confusion to one child, and preventing my children from what they would like. And that is not a situation that fills me with the warmth of sisterhood.

And this is all about children. Because children are the one thing that can be used for power and control. If you want to do the right thing by your child, you will die in a ditch to make sure that you do the right thing by them.

And it's not easy, I know. My ex-husbands girlfriend is high on my list of women that I do not want to influence my children. I am no fan of infidelity, no fan of women that have affairs with married men and since she is one, we will never share anything in common. But I accept that I do not have the right to dictate who, how and where he spends time with the children.

Now I could be bloody minded and try, but if I want my children to respect me and grow up emotionally balanced, I need to make sure that they see him with regularity, free of emotional blackmail and manipulation from me, because children see everything.  So this is what I do. It might be through gritted teeth at times but since it is in their best interest, it is what I will continue to do.  But how I wish that my children were around someone that they felt safe with. Someone that I knew would look out for their emotional and physical wellbeing in my absence.

And this divorce, this long horrid journey that is dictating my choices, impacting on the values that I raised my children with, challenging my morals and my patience at every turn - is all about control. It seems that almost every interaction in a failed relationship is ultimately about control. Right at this moment, all I see is a situation in which one person dictates the future of everyone around. And all because control is more important than the bigger picture.

Children are not owned, they are on their own journey. Your job is to give them the love and confidence that they need to be on that path. Children are not confused by circumstances, they are confused by the messages you give them, by the atmosphere they sense. And when you divorce, you do not get to own your child, you get to co-parent. When you seek to to own a child, you end up causing pain, unhappiness and resentment. When you prevent a child from benefitting from as much love around as is available you restrict their ability to grow self esteem and confidence. When you prevent a child from freedom, they ultimately resent you.

In my happy head, I met the man I love and he was divorced. His daughter benefits from an extended family because we all know that the more children are loved, the more happy and confident that grow up to be. In my happy head, his wife, having chosen to not be married, would wish him the opportunity to be free of a failed marriage, to be happy in the next stage of his life because when a child has a happy parent, they have a happy life.

How I wish that the man I divorced had never been unfaithful, had always been financially supportive, responsible and emotionally supportive to his children. How I wish his girlfriend understood children and cared for mine in my absence. How I wish that he was in a relationship with a woman that when my children were feeling poorly, I could call her and check that they had their favourite bedtime story. Yet despite not having any of this, I accept that they when they see their Father, it is their time with him. It is their right.

So do I understand a women that does not see how fortunate she is, how lucky her daughter is to have a father that loves her and how much her need to be in control of everything impacts on the lives of so many. Do I understand a woman that thinks that a consensual divorce is one in which she got her own way?

Do I hell.