The missing link, alcohol, love and trust

I fear that my blog has been missing alcohol. In a bid to sort myself out, I have been going out less. Going out more was about avoiding dealing with myself and since avoidance is never a good thing, I had decided to face it all.

But tonight I shared a bottle of wine with a neighbour. Like any occasion that fermented substance passes my lips, my thought process goes into free fall.

I have a tetchy client. She is new to handing over anything to anyone else and is understandably tetchy. Her nerves are making me nervous and as such, making me panic.

I figured tonight that relationships with clients are almost parallel to relationships with men. It is all trust. She needs to trust me for this relationship to work. Having said she wants someone on board, she is actually finding trusting someone else and trying to control issues. Her control is making me question my own ability and wondering if she has cause for concern.

In reality, I know that she is dealing with fear, if she can get past the initial fear she will be okay but that may simply be a step to far. I know I can do what she has been told that I can do. I know that I have it in me to deliver the promises, but the minute she panics - I panic, and we both end up with levels of fear that will make the relationship impossible.

So then it struck me. Is any relationship really that different? What the client needs is for me to stay focus and give her the reassurance that she seeks that all will be okay. I assure her, she feels safe and bingo, job done. Or do I take the view that there is no relationship without trust and that clearly this is not a relationship that will work and get out first?

I am taking the view that if I allow her fear to take me off course, then I will not be able to offer her what was originally promised and it will all be a difficult and damaging relationship. Therefore I need to prove to her that there is only one person panicking and isn't me.

This is where the strange similarities with client and personal relationships differ.

If this had been a man, I would simply have panicked and backed off. If a man needed reassurance that I was genuine in promise and thus started to behave oddly, I would retreat in an instant. To risk having to persuade a man that you had a relationship with potential would risk being humiliated. If the man was the effective client, he would be having to persuade me that he desperately wanted me to work for him.

Strange thinks I. I would expect him to have crawl on hands and knees, despite the fact that it may be some behaviour of mine that had caused the fear in the fist place. Doubly ironic that I would want someone to do something for me, that I would not be brave enough to do myself.

The other thing I have figured recently is that when someone tells themselves they need no one, there is invariably some kind of delusion involved. I have never needed anyone, I can cope with anything.

Bull - I finally get it. Too many barriers, too much guarding my emotions. I need someone who can see through me. There is no need for compromise. What will be will be.

This probably makes no sense and probably, I need not drink again