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Tuesday, 3 March 2009

I would like to report that life is great, but I would be lying. I finally had my knee operation. General anaesthetics terrify me. I am convinced I will not wake up. As a result I had to write guardianship letters beforehand. Finding someone that would agree to moving in and raising my children in a manner that I could look down and approve of, was no easy task but blessed with a selection of truly wonderful friends - I found someone who agreed. Then I had to write letters to each child. By the time I got to the RUH, I was beside myself. By the time I got to speak with the anaethatist - they were beginning to question whether I had in fact, escaped from the psychiatric ward. At one point the nurse congratulated me on my ability to not sob for an entire two minutes.
I found the form filling taxing. Who do you put down as next of kin when your husband hates you. The teenager offered his mobile number before I left and said 'If anything happens, they can call me at school'. So sweet but I felt it a little inappropriate and so I chose my father. It felt a little like being 15 but in the current circumstance, I could ill afford to be picky.
I was quite relieved to survive and equally surprised that a couple of hours later I was back home. The general and locally applied drugs do afford a false sense of security and I was quite proud of my ability to walk around, until I tried to do the same in the morning when the pain relief had worn off.

Fortunately I had a beautiful teenage girl come and stay to look after me. There will be no moaning about teenagers on this blog, if it had not been for a handful of local ones I would have never survived. Dog walks, childrens baths, dinner and getting read school was all taken care of and all I had to do was lie on my back with my leg in the air.
Recovery went quite well until I discovered that 'it' has in fact left his old life and is already sleeping with another woman. At this point, even the drugs did not knock me out and I failed to get sleep for 48 hours. I am not sure that Facebook is the most appropriate way to discover that your husband has decided that the local Business Manager is offering more support than he ever thought possible. As a result I am now on crutches, my foot is sticking to the right and I am in agony.

To say that I am stunned would be an understatement. In 22 years I have never doubted his honesty, nor his fidelity. I accept that he appears to be in the midst of a mid life crisis, that he will not really acknowledge his depression or the way he has behaved for the last couple of years: but I can never accept this. He was hoping that I will believe that they simply play Ludo together. I cannot comprehend that within a couple of weeks of moving into his own house, he has met someone, spend nights with her, told his family, posted her on Facebook and not even told his own children that he is never going to sort any of this out and never coming home. Why would anyone man, except the cruelest, behave in the most inconceivable way.

In truth, I had suspected it - the teenage had thought that he was being less than honest when he had asked if he could stay there and 'It' had claimed that he was going out and would not be back until midnight. Rightly so because he was staying with, as his friends call her 'his chick'. It is beyond my comprehension that he would chose this woman over spending a night with the one son he struggles to bond with.

He has destroyed me. Until this point our marriage was at rock bottom and had been on a downward spiral for some time. Every depression councilor I had spoken to had assured me that his behaviour was one of a man in denial, and that he needed a severe jolt to truly see what was going on. Until this - all of the issues were about us and our family. They no longer are because he crossed a line that he cannot step back over.

In doing so he has destroyed any tiny spec of my recognition of him. I feel like a sitcom parody: the stupid wife who always thought that her husband would never betray her trust. The man I knew would never do this and yet the man he is, has not only done it but been proudly declaring it to all and sees absolutely nothing wrong with it. I suspect that perhaps in a couple of years he will realise everything he has destroyed and thrown away: but I know that he may continue protecting himself and never acknowledge it. If he was the man I knew, he would have hated himself for this - but the one he has become seems so proud of himself and so unaware of what he has done to his family. In a desperate bid to feel good about himself, he has thrown away his old life and in taking on such a swift and full on relationship - seems to be trying to pretend he never had one.
It is so hard to articulate. All of the things we ever shared have gone overnight. Listening to all the bile that he has shot in my direction over the last few weeks, I imagine that this was just the icing on the cake for him. I told him we need to talk about it 'What for' He said. In the midst of this conversation he finally admitted that though able to pay a large part of the mortgage off, he had chosen not to since he is convinced that this is the only reason I was with him and if he was 'Since that is all your are interested in, I would have been pretty stupid to have paid it" I sense that he has never really grasped the concept of family. He then he informed me that i could have the house as a present. It was not put in such a manner in which you would normally expect to receive such a present and I did point out that since looking after children for 15 years had rendered me incapable of paying the mortgage on it - it was not a gift I would be able to accept with ease. Stupid, stupid man. If I had been after money - I would be pretty stupid to chose a man that never gave me any. I doubt he will ever see that I stayed with this marriag through some pretty dreadful periods because I wanted my family to survive, I wanted my children to have a father. If I simply wanted the house, I could have taken it a very long time ago.

I did tell him tonight that he needs to speak with the teenager. I gather that he asked if he had any questions. Such a strange thing to say, as if his new relationship is perfectly acceptable and should his children want to know anything about his new woman, the need only ask. I do not think that he will ever comprehend that having him walk out on Boxing day and be with another woman so swiftly - is an appalling concept for children to take on board. They won't remember the past but they will certainly remember this.

It would be so much easier if I hated him. I don't but I feel sorry for him. I think he is a deeply, deeply unhappy person that dislikes himself. In a bid to avoid that, he is so busy blaming everyone else that his life is on self destruct mode and he is destroying everything that should have made his life complete. In his mind this woman makes him feel good, so therefore I make him feel bad and thus confirms that none of this is his fault. It must be mine.

So at the moment, I am concentrating on feeling sorry for myself. I have the feeling that comprehending that someone you loved for so many years is capable of inflicting so much pain and yet be above guilt. Someone that you had children with, so incapable of seeing the damage he has inflicted on them.

I suspect it will take me some time.

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