I found a diary last night. Normally a private affair but so fascinating I read it to a friend.
"When did I write it" I asked her.
"Yesterday...... last week. perhaps" she replied.
In fact, I wrote it when I was 17 and it was really quite chilling to discover the things that I said then - were the things I could say now. Back then I had an old head on young shoulders. It seems that I now have a young head on old shoulders.
So reading an old diary and my groundbreaking insight and clear lack of balls - got me thinking of my favourite books in life. Out of my favourites, two stood out. As a child, I could ask for no more than Enid Blytons 'The Land of Far Beyond' a tale of some pretty unpleasant children who have to carry their burdens with them on a long journey - to shed themselves of their baggage. Greed, Envy - you name it - their baggage was firmly attached and was going nowhere until they sorted it out. This last month, in particular, has felt a little like that and finally, my load seems to be getting a lot lighter.
Topping the charts as a teenager were two - Inside the Third Reich and Cathy Come Home. Now clearly one is all about power, control and abuse of both and the other is about a rather gorgeous young woman who ends up with too many children and no money. Ironic
I am now wondering if my life is all very Celestine Prophecy. There are no coincidences - it is all mapped out with signs along the way. Miss the signs and you will get back on track, just 20 years later on. Looking at my book list, the signs were clearly telling me something.
So today was another very good day and all courtesy of my Mother. This is indeed a rare event as most things she says's bear no relevance to me; no matter how well meaning or blunt. Yet this one struck a chord and in an instant - made my day sunny.
"I have been thinking" she said
"Both your Grandmother and I ended up divorced. Both of us remarried and both of us to men 10 years younger"
In a mere moment, the sun was brighter, I felt lighter and I felt that warm feeling of a smile across my face. I finally realised the reality of my situation:
'It' had hooked up with someone who has more than a passing resemblance to his mother, (which is psychologically quite disturbing) is probably as uptight and undoubtedly looks good in Polyester.
I, on the other hand am (age considering) a relative goddess and clearly destined for intimate dalliances with men 10 years younger than I am.
What is there to be depressed about? I am on the up and life is looking good.
On another note. My army are tired. One of my little support workers is in the RUH awaiting an Angiogram. Very unexpected and very frightening. I sent her a text this morning telling her she was very selfish. This is the first time my life has collapsed around me and she goes and deals the top trump. Damn her. I have texted her again and told her that whilst I am of no physical use to her at all - I am her 24/7 to offer abusive and grounding texts.
"Thanks, hard arse" she replied "Shall I find you a bloke too" Now that, is a good friend.
There is another worthy of mention. This one is a bit like a wind up toy, just goes on and on and on - until the battery runs out and there is a brief need to recharge. Doesn't seem to realise that it is people like me, draining that power that makes it run out before they were expecting it to. Truly selfless people don't admit it though, but you can sometimes get a glimmer of it, just a hint, in the tone of their voice. They reassure you, but you know in your heart of hearts they are fibbing just a little and in a bid to help you, they put themselves on hold. This teaches you a lot. This teaches you that you will pull yourself together because other people have that belief.
Life can be quite hard enough, with enough personal challenges in it without being someone else's rock all of the time. A true friendship is one when just occasionally, you can tell the other to bugger off. True friends know that you detected that tiny differences in tone, that lasted no more than a second.
Tell me to bugger off anytime you like because I need you and your family to help build sandcastles this summer.
Gees, I am getting cryptic.