Thursday, 5 March 2009

I would like to wax lyrical about the funny side of life but I have a hangover. I am currently living on a diet of painkillers and large amount of alcohol and believe me it is not a pretty sight. I am also on a mission to smoke as many cigarettes as humanly possible and it is making me ill. Yesterday I ran out. Panic stricken that I may actually have a panic attack without them, I tried to go to the garage on my newly procured crutches. I knew half way there it was a mistake. By the time I got to the garage I was having a near death experience. The good thing about this village is that there is always someone on hand to rescue a crippled alcoholic and I am pleased to report that I made it home.
Child 2 is in a state. I knew that he knew but he would not admit it. Seeing your mother sobbing all the time and walking around with a straw in a bottle of wine is probably a good sign that things are amiss but clearly I am not thinking straight. In view of his reluctance to say the first words, I inform 'it' that we need to tell the older two, even though the teenager had pretty much worked it out before I.
It was not good. 'It' told them that he was probably not coming back. If I could have reached them, I would have whacked him with the crutches. After suggesting that now was the time for complete honesty - he told them that he was never coming back. So matter of fact. He told them that he was seeing someone else and that whilst he knew it was not okay - that was the way it was. Teenager said that it clearly thought it was okay since he was the one that made the decision to start seeing someone else. I love children, they see life with such clarity.
Middle child starts crying. 'It' hugs him. I wonder why I am the one reassuring him that Daddy still loves him and that will never change. I am wondering why Daddy isn't the one saying that he loves him.
We move to kitchen with older child to see if there is any further discussion. Teenager worried about money and if our house security is dependent on 'its' mood. He assures him we are safe but also says there may reach a time soon when he cannot afford to pay for it. I am not sure how that is offering security since it really translates to 'You may lose the house'. He has no idea that teenager has been worried about the way we handle finances for years and is clearly uncomfortable.
Teenager is dismissed and I tell 'it' that I will never recover from the speed he became involved with someone else. I told him that I had loved him for all of my adult life and even now, after 22 years - I could not walk into another relationship at this stage. He had no emotions. When told him that up until things got to bad, I had wanted to keep my family together. According to him, I didn't care who it was that was in the house as long as someone was there to pay the mortgage.
The penny dropped. The man is actually devoid of any feeling. I suddenly realised that I cannot remember the last time he showed emotions and that despite the long history and the huge amount of children - he genuinely did not care. He couldn't even look upset to his own children. Even a fake tear may have made their memory of this a little more palettable in years to come.

I cannot begin to imagine what must be going on in the childrens head. Their whole life has been transformed and Daddy being with someone else almost straight after leaving, must give them the message that Daddy never cared about his family and could not wait to leave. Even if this were not true, it must surely be the lasting impression they are left with.

I would hope that my children could have least be afforded the view that Daddy and Mummy loved each other very much for their entire short (childrens) existance but things simply had not worked out. At the moment the message is Daddy can move on so quickly from his old life that he managed to create a new one within 14 days.

There is a sense of irony. A little glimmer of humour. I always told It that he had chosen a woman too mad for him and that he would probably have been happier with a motherly type, that would hand out biscuits on the side of the race track and that would live in a modern house in a cul-de-sac. I can add psychic to my long list of abilities. I am not sure about the biscuits yet but given that they were introduced through the motorcross that he spent a lot of his available time doing - I think the new season should see a round of home baked fodder and hearty apple crumble.
I then got very drunk. I phoned a friend who advised that if I still love him - I need to tell him before this ends in court. The truth is that I have no idea how I feel and haven't for the last 6 months. I know without question that I cannot live with him as he is, and I also know that the older children cannot be put through that again. As long as he will delude himself to the fact that they may have been deeply unhappy for a number of years - nothing will change. I wish, that for a mad moment - he would call a depression helpline and ask what it is like for the family of a man with depression. He would never do that and there are clearly other issues thrown into this pot that complicate it further. He simply will not recognise that he is not the only person that has felt miserable, lonely and hard done by.

I never wanted all of this. I am glad he left - our lives were unbearable but I thought that perhaps, if we were apart that he might have a bolt from the blue and realise that his life was not as awful as he was convinced it was. Perhaps he would see that if you went out with your family that children could actually give you pleasure. Perhaps, if he realised that if you went out with your wife that you might actually not feel like the cash cow. Perhaps if you actually opened up then you wouldn't feel persecuted and controlled. Perhaps then he would have a fresh look at his life.
What I wanted is the time for both of us to truly discover what we wanted and if, in a years time - that was divorce, so be it. What I never saw coming was a man that had already made up his mind a long time ago and could not be honest. In being with another partner so swiftly he has brought that year forward in a matter of days and I simply was not ready. I am shocked that I have been hit so hard by it but not as shocked as I was when I looked at him last night and realised that he feels no shame, no guilt and absolutely no emotions. It was as if the man I thought I knew is actually dead.
So, I am not sure how to proceed next. I lay in bed this morning and thought perhaps this is the time to make a new start. It would be a easier if I could simply pretend he no longer exists, but the children need to see him. I hope for their sake that the intention lasts.

I spoke with a friend yesterday who has just had her house re-possesed as her ex husband, promising that they would be safe - failed to pay the bills. Why can men not put their feeling to one side and do what is best for their children? I realised that we could both literally move sticks and start again. I am tempted to move abroad but it would make alternate weekends very difficult so for now, it can be ruled out. I see a session on prime location.

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