I forgot the rule of when you feel like life is too much, check your temperature. I figured I might of made an oversight, when I found myself swimming in sweat, unable to move and certain that someone had whacked me in the spine with a metal netball post. I had a chest infection on top of all the other little signs of general wear out.
I texted 'It' at 2.30am when I knew that there was no chance of being able to get the little ones sorted in the morning. 'It' rang at 6.30am to say he couldn't help because he was going to work. Why am I always surprised about the things that I know are going to happen. Why do I waste so much energy expecting the same view on duty as I have. I think it is slowly trickling in, I think I have been deluding myself for many
So people had to wander in and out doing things. I really have no idea who did what but lots of whats got done and by the time I got back from the Doctors, small children were accounted for, fed, bathed and in bed. I swear that if it was not for a host of little worker ants, and me as the sweaty queen, too tired to move - that the children would all be in care.
So feeling ill, unable to breathe and sweating is not a good combination for positive thought and so, I had very little. I tried to go to work to save my bonus but lasted 2.5hrs before being sent home. This little lack of air scenario has now cost an extra £250 in lost bonus. I did not return home smiling.
So today is Mothers day and it was a good one. Not for any of the obvious reasons but for clarity. I realised this morning, that mind games only work if you don't know they are a game. This is a good thing to know because when you accept the inevitable, it is incapable of causing whatever it was trying to cause.
And so - I knew with absolute certainty that there was no way that 'It' would suggest to the little ones that they phone Mummy on Mothers day and it was as certain as the sun going down. Guess what........ he didn't. Did it cause upset? ....No. Did I feel hurt?......No. Why? because it was such an obvious thing to do, the children are to young to have realised and because of all these factors - it simply made me smile.
It worked yesterday to. I had a letter from some company instructed by the Electricity co that due to non payment of bill, they may break in and cut the supply, they may put in a pre payment meter and may charge obscene amounts of money. I could get stressed out but really, why bother? I have already got used to half the lights not working, no cold water in the bath and a hot tap that takes an hour to run. I figure that 'It' will pay eventually and if he doesn't - we will simply break in to his little love nest. Maybe I could do that anyway, just to be able to run a normal bath. I am not really sure what he hopes to achieve but it really is now rather boring.
This is indeed a good place to be. Knowledge really is power and the real art of being a mother is that you spot child like behaviour a mile off. The beauty of being female is that if you wanted to - you could wipe the floor in mind games. I choose not to. It simply is not worth the effort. Life is too short. I want to happy again and one day soon - all of this, and most of 'It' will be nothing more than a murky memory.
I had some sound advice from a wise chap this weekend. I needed it. Life is getting better, granted - I still cannot breath well but I have not smoked in days, today was the first positive day in weeks and life, will slowly create its own path. I feel like Dorothy.
Perhaps a new pair of platforms may be justified here.