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Sunday, 8 March 2009

I feel as it there is a tug of war within my own head. Two little characters yanking away on a great piece of rope - every hour it changes and one gains dominance. Perhaps it is an analogy of what is going on externally. The one side is angry and wanting to shout and scream, and the other wanting to take control by containing such destructive feeling.

At times it seems too unfair that I have to contain the rage, so that the children can carry on having Daddy call in and see them, knowing that Mummy can sit at the table and eat with Daddy. It seems so unfair that I have to stomach everything that is going on to try and hold on to the little that it is left of their normality - but the truth is that it is fair to them and that really - this is all that can matter.

The money upsets me. Not in its existence, in the fact that 'It' can honestly believe that as two individuals having taken the decision to create a family - that one party would view that the woman, having made herself very vulnerable by staying at home - would only be interested in the money. Surely any man would see that if a woman had wanted to be in a position of owning a home - they simply would not have had children and worked.

It blows my mind that 'It' could even consider saying, in front of his son' that the reason he had not paid anything off the mortgage was because it was all his mother was interested in and had chosen to keep the money himself. But he did. It blows my mind further that his son would tell 'It' that Mum only wanted to protect the future home. He should never have had to.

How we got in a situation where a child won't ask for things because he feels guilty asking me when I have little and disloyal asking his father - because he know he will give it to him is simply to tragic for words. How did I end up in a position where my whole future having been secure is now like standing on the edge of a cliff - no career, no income and no pension. What a stupid, stupid woman. When you have children, you create them on trust. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but not particularly helpful.

None of this really changes the current situation. I know 'It' well enough to know that he will never be straight, never be honest and will always see money as his. No matter the fact that I played a part in this, that it was I raising his children by myself that allowed him to create his world because in life - this is what you do as a family. I remember telling him that I did not have enough money and needed to get another job. I remember him telling me I could not because he needed to work. That is the see-saw of marriage - we each play a role. I feel like the spring broke on the see saw and I got dumped on the concrete.

Yet the tug of war still goes on. The hurt at his views is greater than the power of money. It never was important - the hurt is from trying to understand why the man you created children with needs to use money as power and as control. I know I have a choice, I know I could try and protect myself but I do not have the stomach for it. He will lie, will hide it and will do everything he can to make sure that he protects himself because this is now his new identity.
I do not have the stomach for it.

In my ideal world I would have hoped that any man that had been in a relationship for 22 years would think 'This woman has raised my children for 15 years and is still doing so - and because of that she has given up financial independance. In recognition for that I will acknowledge her part and make sure that she is safe and can provide my children with the life I wanted for them".

But the reality is that life is not ideal. Money has become more important than values and instead of representing a means to provide a lifestyle and choices - it represents power, control and manipulation. I want no part in it. Money is not more important than children, it is not more important than values and morals. It never can be. If I have no money I still breath, If my children cannot go on holiday, they still exist. If I make money my life battle it takes over me and defines what is most important in my life. The most important thing in my life is my ability to focus on what is important - and that is my children.

I am having to tell the children that depression can make people behave in strange ways. I am having to tell them that Daddy is a good person that really does not know what he is doing right now. I am having to tell them that Daddy loves them very much and that will never change. I am having to tell them that they are the most important thing in Daddys life

I am not sure I believe all of this - but I would rather that they put all of this down to depression than to their father. We all need to believe better things of people.

I am fortunate in that the two little ones are too young to be aware of any of this and their views of their father are unchanged. Rightly so and long may it last. When those two people are tugging away in my head - I need only picture their innocent faces to know I have no choice in this.

What I have a choice in is moving on - I can keep picking over the cherry stones but it makes me ill. I cannot make sense of so many things but I am finally realising that perhaps I never will. Moving forward is letting go of the past and since the past is an event that has already happened - I have spent to long going over things that cannot be altered.

So here I am - still crippled, thinner and still breathing. As long as that continues I shall be okay

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