I have a guru in my head. I found him on the internet and as I read his words of wisdom, I cried. Not from bitterness, recrimination or anger - simply in acceptance that life is a future of uncertainty and unchartered waters. I have so many choices; I can be the person in the sinking boat, desperately trying to bail out water to keep it a float or I can be the one that makes the leap and swims to the shore. The beach is looking like the better place to be.
I walked the dog this morning. Walked may be stretching the imagination. Take a moment and put your left foot forward, followed by your right - only putting your toe on the ground - and without bending your knee. This is not an easy way of covering the ground and not particularly elegant.
I cried. It was a good thing. I did not sob in a hysterical fashion - more of a letting go style. I think I cried for all the times I have not cried in the past. When, years ago, I had a held a tiny lifeless baby in the palm of my hands - I felt unable to cry because I was too scared that I would never stop. I am crying this week for all of those moments and in acceptance that sadness is inevitable and at some point I will stop and will be a better person for it. On that day, I remember thinking that nothing could be ever be so painful - and I was right.
Life has to be about perspective, about filing everything in an order and not losing sense of what truly matters. I have many, many things to be grateful for and as I hobbled up the track with the Bitch, I realised that the birds still sing, the seasons still change and I am lucky to be part of it all. I have beautiful, precious children and with a bit of slap on, I can pass as attractive. I do not hate myself, I live with my morals and even if I get it wrong, I care about those around me.
I also realised that it is people that make your life complete. They do not create it but they make the difference between standing precariously on the tightrope or clinging on for dear life. The enormity of kindness and support has frankly, blown my mind. There are people that have been here every step of the way. Making me tea when I sobbed, making sure my children had a friendly hug and were fed and never, ever dictating the path my mind should follow. They were there for me in the months that led to all of this and still not sickened by my car crash - they remain so.
That is a huge thing to be grateful for. What I love about them most - is that at not one point have they dictated. I know what they think is right for me, as do I - but when I offered 'It' his choices last week, they did not tell me I was insane - they sent texts saying that I must do what is right for me and they would be there every step of the way. And this, is what friends are.
They are not those that want to change the course of someones life and feel good at playing a part - they are the people that accept you as you are and stop their own life to support you - even if they think you are insane. I feel blessed. I have always been scared of being me, always been terrified of not being the coper, the one that can deal with anything and always been to weak to be human. The fact that I am human, I have feelings and I think and sometimes, behave irrationally has not scared them away as I feared it would, it has created bonds that I never realised I had. This is the kind of debt you cannot repay and what makes it unique is that they do not want it repaid. If you should stumble across this blog and add 2 and 2 together - you will know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So now I move on - into the land of superficial, which is what I do best. I have bigger problems that are more deserving of my attention - such as how am I going to create a caterpillar outfit? I have a mere couple of weeks. I used to be a real Blue Peter mother but having so many children put paid to this (and the advent of Ebay). There are no caterpillar outfits for 5 year olds. The teenager suggested typing Meal grubs into the search engine. Unsurprisingly it failed to offer an easy answer. He wasn't trying to help, he simply has an irrational revulsion for them.
The too cute little ones went off on a school trip today in a big yellow bus. They were very excited and insistent that I stay to wave them off. There should be a rule that two children in the same class are forced to sit on the same side of the bus. Hopping from one side to the other was no easy task. At one point, I climbed a fence. Not the most sensible thing after a knee operation but I was had promised and they would never have forgiven me if I had not waved goodbye. I was soon told off by a mother with more common sense than I. Fortunately, I found both and managed to do as promised. Waving to the other one was a little risky as it involved standing in the middle of a road. Granted, seeing your mother hit by a car would not be the best start to the day but at least he would have remembered me smiling.
Life is full of irony. After the wise words of the caterpillar v butterfly - it was more than ironic that the school trip is in fact, to a butterfly park. Life is full of little signs that sometimes, we pick up on.
So onwards and upwards. If anyone should have a caterpillar outfit, please can I borrow it? Clearly my identity is an issue but I will willingly hop into the Chronicle with dark glasses to pick it up. The hopping could give me away, but I can take the risk.
And lastly: To the guru who is helping me breath. Every breath I take, gives me the opportunity for the next. Your words are in my head and I am in control of my own destiny - even if that is not clear right now.