Friday, 6 March 2009

It is 9 years to the day that I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He had a lethal form of brittle bone disease and was born dead. Giving birth to a stillborn child has to be one of the harshest of life's experiences and not something I would wish on anybody. To this day, some 9 years on - I am still unable to come up with the words that can come close to describing the enormity of that pain and so, to this day, he has no headstone.
One of the realities of life is that individual events mean different things to different people. I could never forget this date, not simply to the enormity of that loss but by the fact that it taught me so much about people and about myself.
Perhaps the fact that 'It' chooses not to acknowledge it or even remember, says something about us or perhaps just him - I really am not sure and frankly, I am tired of trying to work it out. I thought it sad and touching that the only person to remember was the teenager. I haven't mentioned that date in years but he told me that he remembered simply because it was important to me. It is moments like this that you realise just how special children are.

I only had a tragic bunch of flowers procured from the petrol station, all I could do with a pair of crutches. Poorly secured in an oasis the teenager took them to the churchyard in the dark. He shouldn't have had to, it isn't his role but in the circumstance - I love him all the more for it. One day when he is older, he will be a loving, somewhat difficult but deeply sensitive partner to somebody. As long as he retains the ability to discuss his feelings - he should be ensured a happy life. I hope to god that he has not had his vues of marriage tarnished for life - but I suspect that this is overly hopeful.
I spoke with the children again last night. It saddens me beyond belief that they will remember the last two months for the rest of their lives and I am not sure if they will ever get to a place that they will truly make sense of it. How can you ever make sense of Daddy walking out when Mummy was at work and then a mere handful of weeks after saying "I am in a relationship and it is the right thing for me' all whilst Daddy is still married to Mummy. I am sick of saying Daddy loves you very much when frankly, Daddy loves himself more than anyone else and Mummy could cope a lot better if she were able to use Daddy's photograph as a dartboard.

I decided this morning that for the sake of my sanity I needed to know that 'It' and I had really decided what it was we wanted and that perhaps, despite the events of the last couple of weeks - we should have counseling and address all of the issues - so that we know we did everything we should have done. It seems unbelievable that in all of the periods that things were bad - we never talked about it. As this seems the route cause of most of it, I really don't know why I am surprised.
I also decided that I pick at things - finding it hard to accept that there is no longer a solution to problems. At the very least, we created this family and we owe it to the children to know that we did everything in our power not to destroy everything they had.
It was not an easy place to be. 'It' came for tea, it was very cordial and surreal, as I ate for the first time in a few days - I began to wonder if it was me that needed my head testing.

It is hard to summarise but my feelings of making sure that we had done everything, were not shared. I asked where he was hoping his new relationship was going since it had a huge bearing on whether we sought counselling for our marriage. It rapidly became clear that he wanted to continue the relationship to see where it was going and was not currently in a position to decide which one he wanted to continue with. I pointed out that it would be senseless for me to consider this whilst he was committing adultery. He was pretty clear on his choice. It was also clear that like an orphaned lamb - he had simply transferred his loyalty to someone that was more likely to fulfill his needs.
And so now I need to accept the reality that this is ALL about his need. There are no morals, no ethics, no feelings in this, no one else matters - not even his children.

Whilst I will accept his utter lack of emotions - it really is like staring into a void - I don't think I can ever forgive his lack of willingness to put his own needs on hold for a few weeks, and put his children's needs first. At least then he could look at them as adults and say 'Well, your Mum and I tried everything we could' - Instead he will have to say 'I tried living on my own for two weeks but I didn't like it, so I thought I would start sending Kissey, Kissey texts to another woman and simply forgot that I was supposed to be a role model.

I thank Christ that he is not in a position to have anymore children

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