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Friday, 1 January 2010

I am well known for my inability to drink vast quantities of alcohol. Two white wine spritzers and I find it difficult to walk in an entirely straight line. Three and I would no doubt be hospitalized

So I am presently unclear as to why I thought it a good idea to drink 10 Vodka and cranberries. Considering the amount, I think I handled it quite well. The word 'think' could be the key point. I did walk in a straight line, I was coherent, I made no inappropriate gestures and I did not raise my voice to anyone. However, I feel quite ill now. I suspect delayed alcohol reaction. Most of the Vodka was consumed between 11 and 2am. By 12pm I was at the bar holding a perfectly full drink, declaring that last orders were in an hour and I ought to stack up in preparation.

Feeling a little flat at events of the last few months, I decided that proactive action was called for in the form of false eyelashes. Superficial maybe but there is definitely a closet Katie Price in me. By the time we got to the pub we had decided that the New Year needed to be ended with a kiss. If became less appealing when Sister-in- Law pointed out that I was too fussy and I was looking for nothing more than a hole in the face. Really, so classy. There were a wide selection of slightly balding men with glasses and whilst I had no set criteria - there are limits. I gave up and decided upon more Vodka.

As it turned out I was kissed several times by a 25 year old. I am getting better at this, 35, 45, 25. I fear that 25 is certainly too young and whilst possibly flattering (ish) it became a tad irritating. At this point, having put his number in my mobile and having requested mine several times - I decided to give him a mobile number, it just was not mine. So, if you happen to be a male relative and possibly not for much longer - I have to admit that I gave your number out. Apologies, it was the only one I could think of. On the plus side , I think he may be bisexual so this really could be the start of an interesting New Year.

To be honest, I cannot say there is anything particularly attractive about being kissed by a 25 year old. Nor is there anything particularly exciting about kissing someone without chemistry. Tis strange how a man can be attractive and yet do absolutely diddly for you. Random dating would be so utterly tiresome. Still, it was another experience.

I think it foolish to go the gym today. A nasty incident with a running machine would be inevitable. Yesterday saw the Gym induction. All fine, except that I am far more unfit than I had thought.

'No worries' declared Hannah,

'I will start you on a very gentle programme, just 5 minutes on each machine'

Great think I, until I had a little go. 1.5 minutes and I came close to a near death experience. My thighs hurt so much I thought someone has whacked me with a steel bar. Frankly, I am so weak that I am surprised I manage to walk anywhere. I have a lot of work to do in my bid to have vice like limbs.

The gym resides on a very steep hill. I forgot that if you drive a low level fuel filled Chrysler down a very steep hill - the petrol drains, the car thinks it has no fuel and cuts out. This is the point in which you lose power assisted everything. Now Limpley Stoke may be very beautiful and indeed it is, but it has appalling mobile contact and there may be days in which a bracing walk would be a refreshing choice, but not when it is nearly sub zero temperatures and you have to keep walking half a mile in a bid to get rescued. Two hours later a charming teenager on a scooter arrived. For a moment, I saw a little glimmer as to the benefits of children.

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