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Thursday, 7 January 2010

So it is now butt clenching cold, which is handy since I cannot go to the gym. We have been snowball fighting with the dog. So much more one sided as she cannot throw them back and is stupid enough to keep trying to fetch something that disintegrates the minute she gets close. Interesting thought. Continually aspiring to something that will probably never happen. Life is an odd ride. Focus too far ahead and it prevents you from acknowledging what is going on in the present. Focus too much in the present and you do not take hold of your future. Focus on the past and you are going nowhere and life just keeps on ticking on anyway. Maybe the dog isn't as stupid as she appears.

I listened to a meditation tape the other night, another gift from kind sibling. It claimed it wasn't a relaxation tape but I did fall asleep within 10 mins. The theory worked, I focused on the present and at that particular time, I was knackered. Problem solved. I know someone who meditates regularly. In search of inner peace, it only seems to last as long as he actually meditates. I am not sure he has really grasped the long term concept of accepting things, life, thought as they are. I fear inner peace maybe some distance yearning.

My mantra of the last few months is that you cannot change the way someone behaves, you can simply change the way you respond to it. Tis absolutely true and when you sit down and simply observe it all becomes so much more fascinating. Calmness is more positive than any other emotion. Calmness comes from breathing in the present and taking responsibility for yourself. Calmness doesn't give you the quick fix of anger or bitterness but long term, the rewards are far, far more powerful.

And so the gym. I am fairly fit - I walk the bitch every day, I run around after 4 children, I rarely sit down but this is not necessarily strength and stamina. Strength and stamina allow you to get through life and still have some positivity at the end of it. So I am building it all up. In a year that will be my best despite my most challenging, I resolutely refuse to be burdened with the issues of others. This year is the one in which I focus on myself. Whatever life throws my way, I can deal with if I am positive. I will be and I take responsibility for it.

On the subject of positive thought. I am back to loving being single. The other day a simply drop dead gorgeous man smiled and said hello. He could have been no more than 30 and was of true fantasy material. Then I realised something. The world is full of some very beautiful people. I can say hello to who I like. I can find who I like attractive with no sense of guilt attached. I can take it all as far as I like and as long as I hurt no one in the process, I can have fun. This is a very good feeling. The feeling that I don't have to do anything I don't want to is even better.

I got breakfast in bed this morning. It was simply too cold to get up early and was rather delighted to have a small child appear, demanding that I do not get up. A couple of minutes later, more children had appeared and brought with them hot porridge and a cup of tea. Heaven.

"Can we watch TV now"? asked one

'Frankly' I said 'You have watched so much lately that I would rather you stood on your head. So he did.

Thus I got to eat my porridge with two children tucked amongst the covers and a pair of legs waving at me from the far end of the bed.

The children appear particularly clingy at the moment. Granted, I barely got to see them over the festive period for various reasons but they are back to sleeping in my bed and making declarations of love every two minutes. Clearly, I know I am the best mummy in the world and no-one could ever love them as much, I could not doubt it since the script is on constant re-run. As much as I adore them, getting a foot in my face at 3am is less endearing. I move them, I get back in bed and within minutes, one or two are back in. One has started having night terrors and the other can only sleep if physically attached. I would feel flattered but I suspect a little insecurity.

I am missing the sun. I love the snow, love the tobogganing, the snowball fights, the hot chocolate and the deep hot baths but I love the heat. Eldest mentioned Morocco today and I had a real hankering for a holiday. We haven't stepped foot on the steps of an aeroplane heading sunwards for at least 8 years. It was a brief thought. The car tax, heating, children and the bitch won.

Tra la la


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