I drank wine.. This may make no sense.

Sometimes I feel certain that I know the answers and then I realise that I do not.

Sometimes I work people out and then I realise I recognise things in them that I am not prepared to see in myself.

I knew someone once that said that emotions only ever led to bad things. It surprised me, for it came from a deeply emotional person. It also came from someone that relies on being able to hide those emotions. On the whole, to themselves.

I got it, I understood the reason they did it. What I didnt get until today is that I can present exactly the same behaviour. In analyzing everyone else, I avoid dealing with myself.

I lived a life in which my emotional needs were never supported or recognised. The only way I could cope with it was by denying they existed. Not just to others, but to myself. I am the strongest person I know, and yet the only person I am really deluding is myself. I realised today that I am not the strongest person I know. Realising that means you are emotional, you have feelings and those feelings can cause enormous pain.

This is not in itself a bad thing as I also recognise that denying those feelings may seem more palatable at the time but they cause a long term numbness that means that you never feel real happiness.

I also recognise that I quantify emotions by what I consider reasonable. I look at the situation, I evaluate whether the amount of emotions are what could be deemed a reasonable expectation for the event and then try and switch them off. Anything over this reasonable amount is insane and irrational. I frequently tell people that you cannot rationalise emotions and yet this is the one thing I do all the time. Yet you cannot. Sometimes you feel deep emotion to a level that far exceeds any logical explanation. In my mind, when this happens - I must have lost the plot and need to pull myself together.

I felt huge, raw pain today, I beat myself up about it all day. The period of my life it affected was completely disproportionate to the sensation I had. I felt like a failure because I had not been prepared for it. Yet feelings are irrational. Perhaps if we acted on instinct, we were guided by emotion and not led by a predetermined idea of what is logical, perhaps we could all be more honest. Perhaps not.

When you deny feeling it leads you to hurt other people by giving a plausible impression of someone that has no feelings. The reality is that that the route cause is always fear. Expose the emotions and you become exposed and vulnerable. The flip side is that you risk happiness. Terrifying but for real happiness, necessary.

I find myself in a difficult place. Recognising myself in others also means I need to recognise other things. I never judge on presentation. Presentation is invariably about ill concealed truth. When someone is hiding something, be it to someone else or to themselves - their body language gives it away. It seems too often that there level of uncomfortableness outweighs the truth and that level of denial can last a life time. Knowing that and being able to do nothing is difficult. Knowing that and realising that no matter how much you want that to change, there is nothing you can do to create the situation changing, is painful. Knowing that I perhaps give a similar impression makes me even more confused.

The worst thing about recognising your own traits in someone else is that you know that they are displaying behaviour that you recognise to well. But you can:t tell them. Telling people something does not solve it. The only time people recognise their own behaviour is when they are ready too. Potentially you end up with two people possibly feeling the same thing but both utterly terrified of saying it. More importantly, dealing with it.

If people had to judge me on my ability to be emotionally honest, I would have no friends. Fortunately I have amazing friends. Amazing because they see something in me that I struggle to acknowledge in myself. I am at a stage where I am just starting to get it, beginning to believe it and prepared to deal with it. Being open about it has led to a raw day.

We are all on our own journeys. Sometimes our paths cross, sometimes they don;t. Sometimes we meet the wrong person at the right time and other times, we meet the right person at the wrong time. Who knows which is which. The risk is that we find out to late.

Sometimes - you sit it in your corner projecting that you don't care because it feels like the right thing to do. But what if two people are in their corners and both are too scared to be honest with themselves or with each other. They both sit there paralysed and watch possibility walk away.

It;s a bit like a boxing ring only you feel more damaged by not being hit. The irony is that you end up more damaged by your inability to move than any other course of action

Wouldn't life be simpler if you could both get in the ring and beat the crap out of each other

Perhaps, we would all feel less bruised.

Logic can take me so far. Beyond logic is emotion and when I felt the unexpected rawness that I felt today, I am out of my comfort zone. I am out of control. Scarey.

Yet the facts are simple. My comfort zone has so far not led to happiness, it has only led to unhappiness. I need to be outside of my own comfort zone. I need to expose myself to fear to get past that and to learn that being in control is is not doing that.

I also learnt today that my heart is bigger than my head and it can cause far, far more pain than any logic can compartmentalise.

Great