Bed. Doctors orders.

My brain doesn't switch off, so my body does. I too exhausted to sleep. The concept of sleep bores me, so I compromise. Bed with a laptop and a boxed set of Sex and the City. I never got Sex and the City . Now I do.

When I was married the only programme I watched was Desperate Housewives. Now I don't.

Perhaps we are simply drawn to things we relate to and once we stop relating to them, we switch off.

Perhaps then, our TV viewing is symbiotic of what our lives are. You are married, you stop relating, you switch off. Your not married, you switch back on and suddenly you are watching Sex in the City and getting it. I watched all of the episodes on Disk 3. I realised that in fact, I have become a parody of Carrie Bradshaw.

The first was too similar for comfort. The last was scary. Carrie finally gets it that men cannot deal with complicated women. they like simplicity. Simple woman are good because they don't have to try and second guess thoughts. Complicated women make them feel inadequate. I am complicated. You would have to be more adequate than most to cope with me and the irony is, this may be the point at which I would become less complicated.

There was an episode mid way through that dealt with patterns of behaviour. It made for uncomfortable viewing. Irony in the extreme was being interrupted from a friend of school years that I have spoken with maybe twice in 28 years. It appears that that events of the last few years and the place I am at now wit both head and heart were no surprise. I have the same patterns now as I did at 12.

Somethings change, somethings don't. Can we ever really change our behaviour? When I first saw my nearly not husband, I was decided that we would be together. It then became my mission to be right. It was never the right decision for either of us and my desire to be right became more important than acknowledging that it may be wrong. When we got married, we got married because he didn't want to. I fully acknowledge that I was determined that if I was good enough to live with, I was good enough to be married to. He knew this. Walking up the aisle I realised that sometimes , I put far too much emphasis on principle.

Perhaps there are some things about ourselves we can never change. I still like to be right. The difference is that now I accept that if I am not, I am not. So what about men? Past history has taught that my desire to be right led me to create situations that allowed for this. Perhaps this is manipulation. Is it possible to manipulate someone into wanting you? I am not sure it is, are we not all responsible for our own emotional responses?

You can never truly manipulate. Manipulation creates a situation based on falsehood. If a relationship is built on trickery and presentation of facts that are more palatable - it simply will never work. If you create in your head an idea of the kind of person you want your partner to be, one day you will wake up and realise that they never were that person. If you present to someone else and image of the person you want to be rather than the person that lies within, you will feel lonely and misunderstood. A pile of pebbles that will simply collapse.

I spend a disproportionate period of time what makes others tick. I like reasons, they make life more palatable. Sometimes, we need to accept what we see. If someone is quiet, it does not mean they are deep. If someone behaves badly the truth may be no more complicated than they are an arse.

I still want to be right. Perhaps this is the part of me that can never change. The part of me that has changed, is in no longer wanting to concoct situations to prove that I am right. I simply want to be right. I may of course be wrong and this I will have to take on the chin but being right at the expense of honesty is nothing more than being wrong and in denial.

So maybe the fundamental patterns never change. If you give someone in debt money, you solve their debt. For a period. Ultimately the pattern that caused the debt will recreate it and you will be dragged into the spiral too. Robbing Peter to pay Paul. Everyone loses until the person with the debt solves the original cause. Them

Perhaps love and emotions are the same. You have a need, you find a way of fulfilling it, it lasts a while and the need come back. The problem is the need.

So I still want to be right, I see something I want and I know that if I really wanted it, I could find a way. Yet I also know that if I want to be truly right, I need to forget it all and what is right will simply be, because it always was.

Need and want are two different propositions. What I cannot work out is I truly want something or do I want it because I still need to be right?.

Lets call myself a work in progress. Complicated. Men that need simple women, run.

Move over Carrie