Monday 31 May 2010

The road to nowhere...

I woke this morning this morning to find myself being gazed at lovingly by the most beautiful being. He is 6.

"I love you Mummy" He say's

"I love you too" Say I.

Then he say's

"I saw a cream on the television that gets rid of wrinkle, bumps and dry area"

Such a lovely start to the day.

We chatted last night about stuff. They were away this weekend and when I spoke to them it was clear that 'stuff' was bothering. It would appear that this child is living under false hope that 'It" and I could get back together or even, shortly after the frozen lakes of hell, get remarried after the divorce is finalised.

"Sweet Pea, that is never going to happen" Say I.

"Perhaps's Daddy will get better" say's he

"Better at what?" I ask, wondering if he too had been considering the markers for social communication disorders.

"Better at liking you" say's small child. "Maybe if he could start liking you again you could be remarried.

Such a tricky one. It's times like these when you so desperately want to say what you really think. Instead, I smile sweetly and point out that I do not want to get remarried to Daddy and even if Daddy 'got better' and could be nice the only pre curser to a proposal would have to be a frontal lobotomy (I didn't tell him that bit). I think this may take some time. It takes children a long, long time to adjust to things.

Middle child was telling me that the girlfriend told of her adventure trotting past the house, turning around and trotting back. Apparently, she trotted past the house, turned around and trotted back. Since we already knew that, I am not sure how much more exciting the tale could be. Apparently the need to turn around and trot back past the house was because it was a road with cars on. Indeed it is - it's the quiet one you can only get to after riding on roads with cars on. Duh...

If there is anything you learn from children that you can only learn from having children, is that they are, in many ways - more perceptive, astute and intelligent that most adults. Some of those skills are naturally fine tuned and actually diminish with age. All hidden behind innocent little smiles.

Never underestimate a child and never assume anything

I am going to a car boot sale to wade through over peoples discarded lives. It's a liberating experience.

Thursday 27 May 2010

Thoughts of the Day

First thought of the day - Divorce - Bored of it all. The sooner it is all over the better.

What I am finding really frustrating is the fact that I am restricted in writing what I really want to write. What I really want to write would be in my own apparently not amusing way and as such, far more interesting. I am having to save all fodder for future publication. Frustrating but I can wait. Furthermore, all characters will have their own nickname, appointed by me.

This future publishing will include all details of the last few months, including the sweat meister who, despite my best efforts - I still think rather fondly of. I remain unable to write about this episode. I feel it only fair to offer sufficient period in allowing him to offer some indication he is in fact the person I think that he is, currently buried deep within and appears for the odd brief excursion. Since I don't give up loyalty easily, I have to be sure I am wrong before I can be right. Should he fail to do so, he will be fair game.

In fact all have been plotted. All get a fair shot of amnesty and if nothing changes in convincing me otherwise, I can safely assume that I shall be attending my own premier in five years time.

Second thought of the Day - I am wondering how long it takes for knee and shins to recover from shock of falling off 4 inch heels. Now on day 6 and there is no sign of abatement. If I am forced to wear flat shoes all summer I may get mistaken for road bollard.

Third thought of the Day - In my 'lets reframe everything that's not great' way. I have reframed periods. Since there is little I can do to avoid them, reframing is the best approach. When you have a period, you can eat what you like since you loose 2lbs in sweat each night. Your breasts get bigger. The later works better for me.


Fourth thought of the Day
Is 28 too young? 'What was that you said'? I cannot hear you. Fingers in ears. I gave it due consideration. I so wish I could do inappropriate with ease. Maybe next year.

Fifth thought of the Day Can someone send me on a good client management course or should I just invest in a digger and concrete. I am working on my charismatic side.

Sixth thought of the Day I can now say 'absolutely' a lot, with no sense of being my own parody. I am not clear yet as to whether this is a good thing.

Not my most profound day

Reeding and Ryting

Last week a friend receive a letter from school to saying that her child need extra helps with literacy.

There were 3 grammatical errors in the first paragraph.

Perfect.

Breathing deeply and sweating

There are many moments when you realise that filing for divorce was the right thing to do and none more so when you get a glimpses of the other sides form E. It becomes even clearer to insight of the tactics that are deployed

Least important but one of the most galling is the value of a watch. Yes, it really does come to this. Three years ago it was 'It's' 40th birthday. The one thing he had always wanted was a Tag Heure watch. For an entire year I bought and sold things until I had earned enough to buy him his hearts desire - a 2.5k Tag watch.

So in the form E he has gone to the trouble of finding someone that sold a somewhat scratched one ridiculously cheap on Ebay to present how 'little' his watch is worth.

I have often queried on this blog how people live with their conscience. Obviously the answer is quite easily. I can only assume it was a result of his request to have my wedding and engagement ring ring included in the chattels. Sadly, they were too cheap.

I am going to breathing very deeply and once that works, I am going to rise above such behaviour, knowing that I have never been more certain that I could have been so wrong about anyone.

Then I shall finish my Guidebook for Men on how to Divorce with Dignity. I fear it unlikely to be a best seller.

Note to myself - No involvement with men who:

1) cannot be verified by ex-wives.
2) men that seek to spend more in divorce than they are likely to gain
3) men that do not speak to their ex wives and cannot look them in the eye
4) men that do not have full involvement in their childrens lives
5) men that fail to acknowledge any role they play


I will only be involving myself with men that

1) Speak to their ex wifes, begrudgingly maybe but with friendliness in front of children
2) That respect their ex wifes
3) Men that have high sex drives
3) Men that the words 'sorry' and 'talk to me' and 'get your arse over here' are second nature
4) Men that sweat a lot on specific physical exertion
5) Men that make me sweat
6) Men that know what women want and know how to give it.
7) Men that are sexually comfortable, confident and just plain good

Obviously, I have added no 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 as benefits to my new choice system.

These are the added advantages.

Wednesday 26 May 2010

Getting your garden in order

Still ill. Frankly my stomach has been so painful for the last two days, I have had to consider that I may in fact be in labour. No baby so far, which can only be a good thing.

Two odd things happened in this time. The children and I found a DVD of a garden makeover that was completed on the house a few years ago. It was most peculiar watching it and seeing the 'family' as a whole. Mummy, Daddy, 4 children, beautiful children, beautiful garden and immaculate house.

So different from now. Single parent family, still beautiful children, annihilated garden and house that looks is anything but immaculate. It must have been even more peculiar for the children.

It struck me once more that the sadness in ugly divorce is not the divorce but the ugliness in it. In my normal world, 'Daddy' should be able to come into the house and say hello to the children that live in it. 'Daddy' should be able to have a cup of tea so that children see that people move on and life goes on in an as normal way as possible. It seems normality is far from reality.

What struck me watching 'It' on the big screen was the sadness of it all. Not that I am seeking divorce but sadness that he is very far from a place where normality can exist and even further from a place in which he can look me in the eye. For all the unhappiness that existed in this marriage there was clearly a period that we shared in which we loved each other enough to stick with it. From knowing each other since childhood, to going through adulthood together and to having children - I cannot regret what has been since they were choices I made, without which I would not be where I am now. Because of these factors, I will never hate him, I may not like the way in which he has behaved, I may not respect his inability to deal with divorce with civility and kindness but I have never hated anyone in my life and I doubt I will start with the man my children call Dad.

I do not want him back and nor does he want to be here - which should make this situation relatively easy but instead, it appears to be the opposite. So yes, I feel sad because the way this has unfolded is not the way in which has been good for anyone involved. Last week one of the children's friends asked in the playground why the boy's mother and father never speak. When I find out, I shall pass the wisdom on.

I had a conversation with a close friend today who is a little more than unhappy. I pointed out that the road to happiness is not an easy one but ultimately worthwhile. I told her that I think that 'It' did absolutely the right thing to leave and I probably would never had had the strength to do it myself, but what had caused the pain was the betrayal, the way in which he did it and the animosity that he cannot let go of. Divorce is not an issue, the way in which people handle it will have far more impact on your life and your children's emotional well being than a decree absolute could ever achieve.

So today we were sitting in the garden talking about 'stuff. Closest friend, older children and I, when who should come up past the house but 'It's' girlfriend. Since she recently moved her horse to a much closer vicinity, I had wondered how long it would take. Apparently not long.

Now I could not possibly say for certain that she was riding by with intent but it does look a trifle odd when someone rides slowly, in the middle of the road towards the house and then speeds up past the garden when they realise someone has said "Is that 'It's' girlfriend"?.

It look even more peculiar when they go further down the road, turn around and trot past at speed. If it had been me, I think I may have been inclined towards speed at that point too. Frankly, if it had been me - I would probably not have chosen to ride past my partners wife's house at all, unless I knew I could get away with only going past once and not look like I was doing it on purpose.

Sadly, said loyal friend made a facetious comment which simply proved the theory that she certainly knew which house she was going past. If someone called out when you were going past, normal response would be to say "I am sorry, did you call me?". Leaving the scene as quickly as possible does little to indicate coincidence.

Such an odd thing to do. I have absolutely no idea what was to be achieve by such a thing and it has not particularly improved the views of older son. Since I invited her to converse some time ago and since I have absolutely no desire to place any claim on her partner, I would be fascinated to discover the reason for her excursion.

Perhaps she wanted to see if I really do have horns. Perhaps she wanted to gleam some insight into why her partner cannot be happy with moving on, despite me suggesting many times that this would be the healthy choice. Perhaps she is insecure. No need my dear, I am happy for you both. If she managed to work all that out by riding up to look at the house, she is more than welcome to swing by and let me know.

I won't put the kettle on just yet.


Tuesday 25 May 2010

If you don't get me, you won't get me

I am ill.

I have been thinking about safe and lovely. I have decided that I do not need safe and lovely. I would be bored. Since I have no need to be with anyone, I have no need for safe and lovely. Taking advantage of the safe and lovely situation would make it not safe and lovely for the other party, and then I would feel bad. As precaution I shall restrict intake of white wine soda.

This thought process has seen a lot of eye rolling in the friend camp. They all think I am insane. Since my thought process has always been a little of kilter to the masses, I am not entirely sure what they are surprised about. I understand what they mean about safe but I never want to spend another day looking out the window and asking "is this my life" It's not a place I am ever prepared to revisit.

It is all so simple in my head. If you don't get me, you won't get me.

Frankly, at this stage, I do not understand why anyone would want me to compromise. The men that I have come across that have made me stand still in my tracks are few and far between and years later, I am still friends with them. This tells me two things: firstly, the men that stop me in my tracks are exceptionally rare and secondly, my judgement is clearly not based on chemistry alone.

Reports on the NLP are all good. Apparently I have changed. This can be no bad thing. I am now climbing up the confidence ladder, talking less and more able to whip arse.


And with that, I am going to vomit

Sunday 23 May 2010

DIY and balls

I went to the DIY shop with a man yesterday. Always great company but you can tell so much about someone in the way they shop. Sadly I am on red alert to all possible warning signs. Do not purchase a hat.

You go in for two things. You get one. Is this a waste of a trip or are you pleased that you got one item. It always goes back to glass half full or empty. I publicly state that I will never again live with someone with pessimistic tendency. Whilst over exuberant optimism would be draining - positive realism is good.

I was up early yesterday in a bid to reclaim my eyebrows. By 10am we were in Barton Farm in BOA to view the local triathlon event. Perfect morning, beautiful sunshine, soft grass and watching fit and healthy men jump up and down in sport wear. All without lifting a finger.

By 12, I was back at home wondering about gardening. The garden is barren, finances are not extending to lush fauna and the sheer day to day of life has excluded adequate time for such activity. As a result, the garden is looking dire. I stood and started, and stared some more. There was only one thing to do and it came in the shape of a bikini. The garden still looks awful but I feel so much more relaxed

Swimming party in the afternoon and so DIY trip man and I went to the Bath Cricket club for a drink. It was supposed to be a relaxing affair, watching the bating but I spotted the pool table. Sad, I know. Picked up boys and rounded off day with a somewhat aggressive round of tennis on DIY trip mans lawn. I think I must avoid such sport as I clearly have a very competitive trait simmering underneath, In a bid to annihilate DIY trip man, I accidentally smashed the racket on top of the head of one child and scored an ace in the groin of another. Fortunately, they still love me.

I have been challenged to a proper game. Things could get aggressive

Friday 21 May 2010

A higher Plateau, briefly

I often have people enquire as to how I am able to walk in 4 inch platform heels. It is a task that on the whole is relatively easy.

It is not walking that causes the problem, it is falling off them. Which I did in a rather spectacular fashion today. On the whole I am a master of inappropriate footwear and dexterity. Today was not such a day. As a result my knee hurts, as does the muscle in the calf, my shin hip and thigh. It's not good. I may have single handedly undone some fine surgery.

I accompanied at a meeting today. It's all great practise. I accompany so I can work out the banter expected, hopefully enabling me to replicate such behaviour in the future if called upon to do so. I frequently sit at such event wondering what on earth I could say if needed. The answer is invariably, nothing. Today I worked out a pattern of behaviour that has been bothering me .

Every time I can think of nothing to say, the other person appears to assume that I am weighing them up. This is the point that they start making a lot of eye contact with me, presumably on the basis that I am weighing up, so they must have some final say.

It is hysterical. Sometimes what you don't say has more power than anything you do.

On a final odd note. I had a text from a man today saying that he hoped I was in the garden with a bikini on. Very odd. I can only assume that he thinks my lawn is untended.

Confused, lovely and sorted

Today was a beautiful day. Beautiful days, when the sun shines and you can wear summer clothes simply lift your spirits. I love meeting people and today I met lots.

The diet was not great. Three Chelsea buns, one doughnut and a packet of Rolo's. Very poor, it's not even like I enjoy unhealthy food. There is something about picking pieces of Chelsea buns out of the bag as you walk along though.

I do not help myself by analysing everything. On the whole I do it far less but it still creeps into my mind and niggles away.

I spent the afternoon with a lovely man. I got a short guided tour of some of the places that I didn't know existed in town. We even got to poke around someones house on the basis I could give her a number of a great decorator, in exchange for poking around her house. So we drank coffee and mooched and a fine time was had.

There is an issue though and that is that I enjoyed myself. I don't want to enjoy myself. I have a clear idea of what I want and it is not ticking the boxes that I know I want. I want passion, I want to be challenged, I want verbal tenacity, I want deep feeling, complex thought and big muscles. I know myself so much better now. I do not want another relationship where I have to wonder if there is someone that could makes my heart race. I don't want a relationship where I know I will be safe and comfortable. I know now that I need to be in a relationship where I feel safe, but one in which someone has real 'oomph' should such a word actually exist.

I want a man that has some alpha male in him, someone that doesn't just say what I want to hear but actually say's what he thinks, someone not afraid to tell me to sod off and someone not afraid to say that he needs me.

Yet today was really lovely. Bugger, bugger and another bugger.

I figured today that I have changed so much as a person, that I am now regaining the person that I probably always was, instead of the person I became. Part of the issue is that the lovely man has similarities with 'It' that are putting me off. Equally they are very different.

Fundamental is that part of my need years ago to be with It, was that it was a safe relationship. I suspect that we never really should have been together but for various reasons I clearly thought that a very safe man was what I needed. The truth is that in fact, I need to be in a relationship where I am safe being able to be myself, rather than safe. Safe stopped me being me.

The one thing I learnt with serial Dater is that knowing someone who challenged me about the reasons I didn't do things, was good for me. For any harm he did, some benefits outweighed. I discovered that confident people are as screwed up as the socially awkward, that being on top at work did not mean you were more emotionally able than anyone else and I discovered that men who are physically and sexually confident were really quite appealling - granted some confidence was fronted but who cares, being able to front it is more enjoyable than any level of physical un comfortableness.

I have done safe, I need challenge, passion, emotion and tears. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am right - who knows. I do know that I have a deep routed fear of convincing myself that lovely is enough. Perhaps lovely is, just not yet, not now.



I didn't need a lovely day to add confusion to my life.

Wednesday 19 May 2010

Perfect Arse, Perfect friends, perfectly imperfect.

A series of rambling events.

I have the perfect arse, courtesy of Bath Spa. Last week I was exfoliated, covered in impurity sucking mud, massaged, re hydrated and steamed. I now have thighs like silk and was utterly exhausted by the whole experience. Being a lady of leisure must be a tiresome task. Thank you so kindly to the husband of my dear friend that provided the experience.

Back to friends. In spite of the unpleasantness that continues to permeate my existence, I consider my life enriched by the sheer generosity and kindness of those around me.

Thank you to the friend that ignores my crisis's of confidence and forces me into facing my demons and opens the possibility of a career and a future.

Thank you to the friend that is always there and gave me a spa day in a bid to calm me down (which I still have due to my perverse thought process that I needed to be calm to use it, and yes, I will use it before then)

Thank you to the friend that offers to run down all of those that cause me upset, to the friends that make me laugh and take me out.

Thank you to the friends that have a savings pot so the children and I can accompany them to Paultons Park for the day in June. Thank you to the friends husband who makes me sublime lunches and insists that I eat them, to the friend that patiently listens to me vent spleen, knowing that once it is, out I am half way there.

Thank you to all that have listened to my heartbreak over the man I thought was my soul mate and haven't actually shot me. Thank you to ex blind date for simply being there. Thank you to my once life guru who, despite freaking me out - was instrumental in teaching me to hold onto sanity, let go off bitterness and regain my life.

Thank you to the friend that gave me 10 weeks of NLP when I couldn't afford it and thank you to the friend who hid a sum of money in my bed this week, knowing that if she had still been in the country when I discovered it, I would never have accepted it.

Friendship, I learn is not about what people do, it is fact that they do it. I am bless, feel loved and am certain that I have done little in your lives that deserve the kind of friendship that I have been offered.

Perfect friends and the perfect arse. Perfect.

Moving on to the not so perfect. It seems that the great divorce debacle continues. With child maintenance coming in at just £295 per month, I took the view that since financial responsibility was for the most part going to be down to me, the most important thing in this has been trying to maintain stability.

Knowing the history as I do, I have taken the view that the best thing is to work my now perfect arse off and figure a way of trying to pay the mortgage. Divorce is traumatic enough, acrimonious divorce more so - without the prospect of having to relocate area completely. Since 'It' already has another house that he purchased himself some years ago, it is not that either of us are homeless.

I still find it mind blowing that a couple can have children, know each other for their entire adult life and end up in the situation where one party wants to force a sale, the other part wants to keep the home for the sake of the children and the only people getting rich are the solicitors.

I quite like my solicitor. She is not nasty, always writes politely and stays level headed and keen to resolve without extra expense. Not so easy when the opposing solicitor is keen to stay locked in battle. Last week I sent off a letter in response to questions and with a few key questions that had still not been answered. I resent throwing money at solicitors and since the questions and statements were all accurate and pertinent, my solicitor agreed there was no benefit in her re writing them and charging me for the privilege. Since every pound is coming off our future, it seemed prudent not to burn the stuff.

The response back was interesting. The 'opposing' solicitor was seemingly outraged at my solicitor and not prepared to answer questions put forward by me, only ones rewritten by the solicitor. It beggars belief. I do have to question who's divorce this is. Tomorrow, I shall be investigating which law that say's a spouse cannot ask any questions unless she is prepared to pay £200ph for someone else to write them for them.

So despite all best efforts, it seems we are going to court. It will be long and protracted and given a recent legal overview - will be so historically financially complicated that it could go on for some time.

I am now resolved to this. For months I have reworded solicitors letters too minimise reactions and it would appear it has been in vane. On the plus side, I have learnt it is a waste of time and so therefore there is no need to waste further time. Good from bad etc.

What will be, will be. Having attempted to settle without the need for in depth investigation and more appropriate finances and having got no where - I think it prudent to let the Barristers take over. It may be burning money but since there are no better solutions available it would appear that this has to be the only route to walk. The only other one is to accept everything at face value and have to relocate completely. The children would be horrified and I like my friends too much to go back to the Norfolk plan.

I have great admiration for men that leave their wives and keep things amicable for the children. I fail to understand bitterness, I fail to understand how someone can have so much resentment that they refuse to look the woman that gave birth to their children in the eye.

I fail to understand how someone can be happy for you to take the responsibility for your children, to raise them single handily, to feed them, look after them at the same time as working to financially support and provide for them with the things they need, and refuse to even speak with them. I fail to understand why anyone would need to hold onto, or even have animosity. I will never understand why you would not want to be supportive to the person who has been left in that role in providing a secure and friendly environment for your children. I will never understand why, given the fact that it was not I that left, it was not I that embarked on an extramarital affair - why it is not I that is not consumed with anger. I have at least stopped trying to understand the unachievable.

I am unclear as to why when a marriage is over, why both parties are simply not accepting of that fact. If everyone was okay with this, there would be no place for acrimony.

So for all the couples that work things out by the simplicity of conversations, to all those fathers that though left, work alongside the mother in raising children, for all those fathers that do not want their children to be witness to acrimony, court cases, financial hardship and the kind of parenting whereby one parent takes them out, the other doesn't and never the twain shall meet. For all those Fathers that are there to listen to the tales of night terrors, tummy aches and anger. For all those fathers that stand alongside their ex-wives in civility, maturity and respect for the role they are left with. I take my hat off to you. Should I ever be foolish enough to remarry - you are the kind of men I would be seeking.

For all those that cannot do this, you can kiss my now perfect arse.



Perfect

Tuesday 18 May 2010

Sleeping well.

I have been forced to wonder how people have a conscience that allows them to sleep well, when their behaviour is beyond any level that normality can comprehend.

I am going to have a very stiff drink tonight. Life has been one almighty revelation in the last 2 years.

If you think you know someone, think again. The only thing you can guarantee in life is that it will be one continual surprise.

For all the people that are fundamentally good, fundamentally kind and fundamentally ethical, moral and decent - well done you. For if it wasn't for these people, life would be a soul destroying experience.

For all those people that are bitter, unkind, unethical and immoral - shame on you and shame for you. You will go through life never understanding the nice feelings that can be afforded from simply being decent.

Sowing the seeds, reaping......

If I achieve anything as a Mother it will be t teach my children that you can get anything you want in life but it should never be at the expense of those around you.

Monday 17 May 2010

Is Dishonesty denial or Denial Dishonesty.

I have been pondering on the difference and the not so apparent obvious has struck me. I have been asking myself for sometime if the actions of others are dishonest or simple denial. Then I realised that both possibilities are the same thing.

A person is in denial when they refuse to acknowledge what is really happening. Making someone else believe in a denial based appraisal, is in fact dishonesty. If you try and convince someone of a situation that you know not to be true, then you are involved equally in denial of the truth and thus dishonesty. If you are simply dishonest you are in denial about morality, ethics or responsibility. Either way, you are unlikely to have a spring in your step on the journey of life.

If something can not survive with honesty then denial may seem like it will keep it going, but the reality is that the dishonesty will catch up. More than this, denial means that there is no vent for expressing concerns and the result is anxiety and pressure.

I think this is where there may be some separation. Dishonesty sucks you into a web that it is difficult to extradite yourself from. One dishonest statement leads to another and before you know it the toll of keeping up with it all, becomes unbearable.

Denial is shutting your eyes to the obvious, refusing to acknowledge cause and effect. Denial is about addiction to an idea of what should be. Deep routed denial results in the symptoms of addiction: loss of sense of values and morality, self centredness, illusion of control, isolation. Denial bids farewell to reality in such a way as to cause confusion, obsessiveness, paranoid thinking and control.

The maintaining of denial has no space for rational thought. The decision making process is wound up in confusion and thus those in denial will be forced to lurch from crisis to crisis. What is really interesting is that whether someone is in denial or simply dishonest, they will project those thought processes onto those around them - assuming that all other individuals are equally dishonest. In doing so, they negate the need for reflection and are able to deny the need to take responsibility for situations. Far worse is an addicts thought process that in fact, everyone else must be too blame.

Those that practice denial or dishonesty walk a lonely path. There is no coalition, simply us and them, me or you, no room for ambiguity. Both denial and dishonesty are self serving and those willing to practise either need no one else to assist.

Consider it like this: Your chum is an alcoholic, you both get on just great when you both are drunk. Sober up and you become less appealing since you make your drunk friend feel bad about being the only drunk. You can rationalise with him as much as you like but it will be fruitless since in the mind of the alcoholic, he doesn't have a drink problem. If he doesn't have an issue then the problem is you - since you are no fun anymore.

With an alcoholic, everyone around them suffers and yet as long as he denies the reality and continues the dishonesty, the person that really suffers is him. The more he denies, the more he drinks, the more he drinks the more paranoid he gets and the more he needs to drink.

So is there really any difference? I think not.





Sunday 16 May 2010

Beyonce, dating and mental faculty

One of the strangest things about falling for someone, was that my music taste disappeared. Literally vanished alongside any rational thought process. For weeks on end I listened to Heart FM. Not only was it curiously addictive, but acutely embarrassing - just not enough to stop me.

It is with a large proportion of cringe that I can claim lyrical knowledge on every Beyonce and Adele song. I am not embarrassed by Adele, for she really is very talented.

However the Beyonce thing has irked me. I was an Xray Specs kinda girl. Pop music? Purleeze. Or at least until I discovered that a girlie emotional side of me did in fact exist.

Anyhow, I am cured. Having finally realised that serial dater may well remain in his world of self fulfilling prophecy and finally, that I am worth so much more than a man who's self protection can shut more people out than the Berlin wall ever did. Admittedly, I hoped that he would get it, deal with it and risk it. I was wrong. Damn, I hate being wrong. I shall always think fondly of his thighs and his accent. Both were equally endearing. I hope that he finds what he is looking for.

However, there is always good from everything. I am cured of Beyonce. Normal service resumes. In honour of this, let me recommend the following. It is entirely brilliant

http://vodpod.com/watch/3386636-youtube-faithless-mass-destruction

Saturday 15 May 2010

Chemistry, Instantaneous Karma or slowly evolving

Have had food for thought today.

I sent the afternoon with a great friend and two single male chums and their children. We barbequed, made food and sat around drinking wine.

It caused some pondering. What happens when there is someone in your life that clearly cares very much for you, would never willingly hurt you and that they when they look at you, there is more in their eyes than just friendship. What you are looking at is real feelings.

So what happens when you have told yourself that you are simply incapable of compromising on chemistry and that stop you in your tracks moment, is your guiding force of what is right from that point on.

What happens if you are sure you could never meet anyone that gets the way you think, that can articulate at the speed you can, is cuttingly astute and capable of the level of emotions that you feel. Then you meet them. You discover that the moment feels so rare that they then have the power to cut you to pieces. It's a real bitch when they do. Does accepting you may have been wrong mean compromising?

So which is better, the man that still causes a physical reaction every time you see him despite the pain he caused, or the man that you know is not entirely sure about anything you say but you know when he looks at you, that he cares deeply.

Buggered if I know the answer. I do know that when someone looks at you like that then physical closeness would take the snap of fingers. It's compelling. I also know that when you are questioning the basis of healthy emotion, then you are likely to cause them huge pain. Having been on the end of that scenario, I have no wish to subject someone who cares about me - any such pain.

Just when you thin you have the answers to everything, it seems that you have none.


Tuesday 11 May 2010

I had the results back from the CT scan following the weird seizure moment.

Apparently, I have an insignificant brain.

I demand another scan.

Saturday 1 May 2010

Men with issues, cave men and lions

Two glasses of wine. One too many. I am attracted to men with issues. This is a problem. Accepting those issues are theirs and they may never deal with it is one thing, getting them out of your head, another.

On another, quite unrelated issues is something that I have had to grasp in the latest NLP. Control is a tricky thing to understand. When you finally realise the enormity of a controlling relationship you try to understand two things. The first is how you could ever have been so stupid and the second is why anyone would be so unkind. Then you realise two other things, the first is that being controlled is not about stupidity: it's divisive, it creeps up on you without announcement and truly successful control is achieved when the feeling of something not being right leaves you assuming that you must be imagining it or it must be your fault.

The second thing that you will hopefully conclude is that control is not necessarily about a malicious need to control someone else, but something often borne for the right reasons. Take an old fashioned marriage. Man works, woman stays at home'

Lets imagine that the man has subconscious issues with adequacy. He needs to feel like the provider, the caveman - earning money, providing roof warm and water to his family. This makes him feel good. This makes her feel protected and safe. Yet the caveman knows that the only way to retain that situation is to ensure that she remains dependent. The easiest way is by controlling money.

Before you know it you have a situation where caveman is in charge. Caveman restricts income and any ability for cave woman to earn her own. Caveman provides roof, water and heat. By restricting money, caveman achieves total dependency. By saying that he has to go out and club animals, he restricts cave woman's ability to club animals herself.

Occasionally, caveman offers cave woman and cave children a bonus, like a takeaway curried gazelle. Cave woman, due to restricted clubbing ability feels slightly demeaned by this and guilty of thinking it is a tad unfair. Caveman regularly treats himself to new clubs, new stone wheels or a new loin cloth - all apparently a requirement to club animals. Caveman then has to go out at weekend to clubbing contests. Cave woman knows that this is just fun but cave woman, when told it is necessary to perfect the art of clubbing, then feels guilty that she should question.

Then caveman, through his subconscious desire to be the big provider, creates a situation whereby the only way that he can ensure that he earns the title is by completely controlling cave woman. Cave children grow up thinking that Daddy provides baby mongoose to play with but cannot understand why cave woman mummy only gets to let them play with sticks in the mud.

Eventually Caveman twigs that cave woman no longer believes that there is fairness and equality and the feeling of supremacy is fading. In a bid to regain that feeling of admiration, Caveman seeks cave woman number two - another option who can make him feel that the loin cloth is well worn. No questions, no doubts, no demands for roof, food and heat - just admiration. Cave woman two needs a caveman to make her feel like a cave woman and shares in his behaviour that new clubs can make everyone happy. Club woman two has her own issues and needed to 'rescue' a caveman to feel of worth. This bit works well as both caveman and cavewoman two still need co-dependancy.

Then it turns out that Caveman borrowed lots of flint heads in a bid to club the family fodder. Feeling bitter that the adoration disappeared, Caveman claims that the flints were only borrowed to kill the fodder and not to fund the control, the new clubs and the clubbing weekends.

Cave woman, having had to do with bartering the toenails of dead lions to provide a nice cave and supply cave children with chalk for drawings - is understandably stunned that caveman now wants payback for the funding of his clubbing activities, when she never had any say in what clubs were brought.

The truth is quite sad. Caveman had good intent - he wanted to provide for his family. Where he went wrong was to ensure that Cave woman was kept in the back of the cave to allow him to achieve it. After years in the dark, asking her to pay back the flints from the clubbing weekends and the new clubs was one step to far.

Such a sad story.

Cave woman finally saw the light and Caveman got eaten by lions.

Sad, unnecessary but true,

On a positive note, Cave woman discovered that there was more to life than clubbing things.