The diet was not great. Three Chelsea buns, one doughnut and a packet of Rolo's. Very poor, it's not even like I enjoy unhealthy food. There is something about picking pieces of Chelsea buns out of the bag as you walk along though.
I do not help myself by analysing everything. On the whole I do it far less but it still creeps into my mind and niggles away.
I spent the afternoon with a lovely man. I got a short guided tour of some of the places that I didn't know existed in town. We even got to poke around someones house on the basis I could give her a number of a great decorator, in exchange for poking around her house. So we drank coffee and mooched and a fine time was had.
There is an issue though and that is that I enjoyed myself. I don't want to enjoy myself. I have a clear idea of what I want and it is not ticking the boxes that I know I want. I want passion, I want to be challenged, I want verbal tenacity, I want deep feeling, complex thought and big muscles. I know myself so much better now. I do not want another relationship where I have to wonder if there is someone that could makes my heart race. I don't want a relationship where I know I will be safe and comfortable. I know now that I need to be in a relationship where I feel safe, but one in which someone has real 'oomph' should such a word actually exist.
I want a man that has some alpha male in him, someone that doesn't just say what I want to hear but actually say's what he thinks, someone not afraid to tell me to sod off and someone not afraid to say that he needs me.
Yet today was really lovely. Bugger, bugger and another bugger.
I figured today that I have changed so much as a person, that I am now regaining the person that I probably always was, instead of the person I became. Part of the issue is that the lovely man has similarities with 'It' that are putting me off. Equally they are very different.
Fundamental is that part of my need years ago to be with It, was that it was a safe relationship. I suspect that we never really should have been together but for various reasons I clearly thought that a very safe man was what I needed. The truth is that in fact, I need to be in a relationship where I am safe being able to be myself, rather than safe. Safe stopped me being me.
The one thing I learnt with serial Dater is that knowing someone who challenged me about the reasons I didn't do things, was good for me. For any harm he did, some benefits outweighed. I discovered that confident people are as screwed up as the socially awkward, that being on top at work did not mean you were more emotionally able than anyone else and I discovered that men who are physically and sexually confident were really quite appealling - granted some confidence was fronted but who cares, being able to front it is more enjoyable than any level of physical un comfortableness.
I have done safe, I need challenge, passion, emotion and tears. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am right - who knows. I do know that I have a deep routed fear of convincing myself that lovely is enough. Perhaps lovely is, just not yet, not now.
I didn't need a lovely day to add confusion to my life.
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