Two odd things happened in this time. The children and I found a DVD of a garden makeover that was completed on the house a few years ago. It was most peculiar watching it and seeing the 'family' as a whole. Mummy, Daddy, 4 children, beautiful children, beautiful garden and immaculate house.
So different from now. Single parent family, still beautiful children, annihilated garden and house that looks is anything but immaculate. It must have been even more peculiar for the children.
It struck me once more that the sadness in ugly divorce is not the divorce but the ugliness in it. In my normal world, 'Daddy' should be able to come into the house and say hello to the children that live in it. 'Daddy' should be able to have a cup of tea so that children see that people move on and life goes on in an as normal way as possible. It seems normality is far from reality.
What struck me watching 'It' on the big screen was the sadness of it all. Not that I am seeking divorce but sadness that he is very far from a place where normality can exist and even further from a place in which he can look me in the eye. For all the unhappiness that existed in this marriage there was clearly a period that we shared in which we loved each other enough to stick with it. From knowing each other since childhood, to going through adulthood together and to having children - I cannot regret what has been since they were choices I made, without which I would not be where I am now. Because of these factors, I will never hate him, I may not like the way in which he has behaved, I may not respect his inability to deal with divorce with civility and kindness but I have never hated anyone in my life and I doubt I will start with the man my children call Dad.
I do not want him back and nor does he want to be here - which should make this situation relatively easy but instead, it appears to be the opposite. So yes, I feel sad because the way this has unfolded is not the way in which has been good for anyone involved. Last week one of the children's friends asked in the playground why the boy's mother and father never speak. When I find out, I shall pass the wisdom on.
I had a conversation with a close friend today who is a little more than unhappy. I pointed out that the road to happiness is not an easy one but ultimately worthwhile. I told her that I think that 'It' did absolutely the right thing to leave and I probably would never had had the strength to do it myself, but what had caused the pain was the betrayal, the way in which he did it and the animosity that he cannot let go of. Divorce is not an issue, the way in which people handle it will have far more impact on your life and your children's emotional well being than a decree absolute could ever achieve.
So today we were sitting in the garden talking about 'stuff. Closest friend, older children and I, when who should come up past the house but 'It's' girlfriend. Since she recently moved her horse to a much closer vicinity, I had wondered how long it would take. Apparently not long.
Now I could not possibly say for certain that she was riding by with intent but it does look a trifle odd when someone rides slowly, in the middle of the road towards the house and then speeds up past the garden when they realise someone has said "Is that 'It's' girlfriend"?.
It look even more peculiar when they go further down the road, turn around and trot past at speed. If it had been me, I think I may have been inclined towards speed at that point too. Frankly, if it had been me - I would probably not have chosen to ride past my partners wife's house at all, unless I knew I could get away with only going past once and not look like I was doing it on purpose.
Sadly, said loyal friend made a facetious comment which simply proved the theory that she certainly knew which house she was going past. If someone called out when you were going past, normal response would be to say "I am sorry, did you call me?". Leaving the scene as quickly as possible does little to indicate coincidence.
Such an odd thing to do. I have absolutely no idea what was to be achieve by such a thing and it has not particularly improved the views of older son. Since I invited her to converse some time ago and since I have absolutely no desire to place any claim on her partner, I would be fascinated to discover the reason for her excursion.
Perhaps she wanted to see if I really do have horns. Perhaps she wanted to gleam some insight into why her partner cannot be happy with moving on, despite me suggesting many times that this would be the healthy choice. Perhaps she is insecure. No need my dear, I am happy for you both. If she managed to work all that out by riding up to look at the house, she is more than welcome to swing by and let me know.
I won't put the kettle on just yet.
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