For some time I have been involved in a round of mind games. A series so subtle that I have had to question whether I may in fact be going insane. I know I am not. I have had to acknowledge that in this bat and ball mind game, I have enjoyed it. It has been titillating, exciting, mentally challenging and thought consuming. So very few can challenge me in such a way that I remain hooked - never to be beaten by the latest subtlety, constantly pitting my instinct against my imagination.
I like it. I like the ability in this person to keep me rapt. Its like cerebral sex and like good sex - it is equally addictive. Except I don't want this from this person, I want more and I always did.
I finally got it the other day. This is the bit this person is good at and equally I can hold my own, but I can do the next bit too and they can't. I always did want the next bit and all I have done in becoming rapt by the mind games - is guarantee that the next step could never be attained.
Mental challenge, chase and titillation is safe sex in the extreme. Since you cannot put your finger on it and dare not say it aloud then there is no risk. No blatant emotions on the line, nothing to get called up on, nothing concrete that could have accusation or demand attached to it. What I achieved is a few weeks of mental foreplay and whilst in ways that has been what I like -it is not healthy or good for me.
If there is one thing I have always been certain of is that you are unlikely to meet anyone quite like me. Good or bad, I know I am not any ones idea of predictably female. I can live with this. For all the minus's attached to that, there are a hundred pluses.
I know that my moral gauge is higher than most and if you fail to reach it, there is nothing that you will ever do that will make me lower mine. If you lack integrity then mine will not be dipping to get in line. If you want me to react like a girl, I will react like a man. If you want me to tell you what you want to hear, you could be waiting a long time but if you want me to be honest about the way I see things, then you had better have a pretty comfy seat.
So in this sense I also know that I will never fear being just one in a long line of many women, I may well be one in a line but if there is one that will bug the hell out of you, then it will most certainly be me. If there is one person that will make you question how good you feel about something when you behave shabbily, that may well be me too. And if there was one person that told you that you were beautiful and meant it, that would probably be me too. If there was one woman that never said anything she didn't mean, it was me. If there is one person that may niggle away at you - guess who.
So it is equally in this sense that I know that despite the fact that I like the mind games, I like the hook - that I also know I am worth more. This is not good, it is not healthy and if I am going to get involved in cerebral foreplay it needs to be with someone who can perform. All I have done is feed a situation in which the chase and the tease become the existence and this, is the part that this person was always good at.
It saddens me immensely and I have been a fool. I don't think I was wrong and yet I cannot create a situation whereby someone can trust others. Life is dangerous, there is no real security in anything, I get that. However, that does not mean that you should spend your whole life running from the one thing you crave.
So I disappointingly resign myself to being a worm in the head. Such a waste, it could have been so much more, but I am no ones imaginary muse. ~I was definitely and whole heartily worth the next step.
And another clear observation. When someone cannot look someone in the face it is invariably because they do not feel comfortable doing so and almost certainly that their own behaviour makes them feel too bad to lock pupils. They cannot make eye contact because this would involve guilt and since they do not want to accept any responsibility, they cannot face you. So for anyone in my life that cannot look me in the eye - deal with your issues, life would be so much easier and happier.
And for those that can maintain the merest glimpse of eye contact, the eyes are a window to the soul. I never, ever say anything I do not mean.
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