I compartmentalise things. Lots of people do but most people are capable of doing so long before things are 'sorted'. There are things that need sorting things in my head is just one of the very complicated things that makes me very complicated.
So in an exceptionally brave, uncharacteristically 'lets deal with this' I tried to deal with something that was never dealt with.
In dealing with things that are not dealt with, you have to take a risk. I am on the whole a spontaneous risk taker. I have a focus of how I am going to handle things and I stick to it. This invariably involves not appearing vulnerable and never exposing that someone has the ability to hurt you. Occasionally spontaneity takes over and I feel the need to expose the one thing that terrifies me most — me.
So tonight, after the night that should be right but wasn't, a moment of spontaneity took over and I decided that things I hadn't fully sorted, needed sorting.
The one thing I never allow for is that my moments rarely coincide with anyone else. I met a brick wall, a block of ice, and it upset me to a level that I thought I was incapable of.
Not only had I risked showing that my air of nothing getting to me, was possibly a front. I had to face the other thing that I fear most - That some people are just cruel. They may not be underneath but really, does underneath matter that much when other people have to fight so hard to get to the underneath? Whether there are issue that cause it or not, there is no necessity in life to be cruel to other people. None.
So it was an odd evening and one that ended badly. I am staggeringly upset.Upset because no matter those around me that say I should be more open to being vulnerable, more willing to be honest, they are making their assumptions on their own experience of dealing with peoople capable of being honest.
Mine is not so great. Being honest, trying to deal with stuff in my head is not all that it is cracked up to be.
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