I have a penis and a stride.

There is nothing like a bit of 'opening the can of worms' hypnotherapy to get your friends helping with perceptions. Apparently I have a 'walk'. I should imagine that most people are not conscious of their walk. I would be no different, yet it seems to be coming up in conversation.

On dating the serial dater, the walk was raised. Too be honest, I thought it was a charm offensive. Yet on discussion over coffee last week, a friend decided to answer my query on how people could possibly see me as intimidating. The answer, apparently, lay in the walk.

I stride. Apparently.

Unbeknown to me, I stride wherever I go. Striding and holding your head high and your back straight equates to intimidating. Add large sunglasses and a large leather handbag and the deal is sealed. People are scared.

So out for a friendly drink with my ex blind date, I asked for his opinion. I stride and maybe a slight hip sway. The barmaid confirmed it. I walk with a stride and people notice. I am not entirely sure how I should be walking now. I am becoming more aware of the walk but it is entirely normal for me. I became so conscious of it on Friday that I tripped over a pavement. At that point, it became more of a stagger than swagger.

Stagger would be a more appropriate description for Chronic Fatigue. It really is like climbing a ladder and slipping a few rungs. Thursday and Friday were good. Saturday was bad. I attempted to get up 8 times. Each time lasted for anywhere between 20mins and 2 hours. You get up, you are wiped out, you have to sleep. You sleep, you get up and you feel as exhausted as before you went to sleep. Frankly I have had enough of it all.

According to my chum in the States, I need drugs. I am not convinced. Whilst on the theme of analysing my analysation, she pointed out that I undoubtedly had a penis on my body somewhere, I just hadn't found it.

She may be right. In a bid to prevent people knowing they have hurt me, I have a quite unique ability to look like I couldn't give a stuff. This is of course, complete and utter self protection but my responses are so controlled that I could be a 'bloke'.

If you are looking for a female, emotional response, then I would be your last port of call. If you want the 'whatever, it's cool' type of line normally gained from the bearer of testosterone - then you have come to the right place. There are obviously a hand full of people that have seen me be very emotional and female but they are few and far between. They also know better than to ever bring it in conversation or remind me of such times.

So what I have is a walk, a penis and hypocrisy. In getting upset at some people for appearing to not care when I think they do, it finally dawns that this is exactly what I do. Perhaps people can't be honest about how they feel because they fear not getting the response they need. Perhaps, in my fear of not getting the response I need, I can't be honest about I feel.

I feel like a Spirograph - we are all going round in self fulfilling circles

I am not entirely sure what the answer is.