Today I have to apply for my new job. Technically speaking, it is actually a competition but since it has my name written all over it - I feel that we are talking technicalities and any failure for it to land in my lap, would be a travesty on a scale never previously encountered.

I am going to be a presenter on Loose Women. Well, assuming I procure a digital camcorder, find some touch eclat and find something witty to say by this evening. The only method of entry is by video download or DVD which given my mental skills - I feel just a little audacious. Still, as I have said before - everything in life happens for a reason and it is by no means a coincidence that on turning 40, I declared that I had two ambitions for the year. One was the purchase of a Laser hair removal system and the other, to be a presenter on Loose Women.

Really, if you are looking for raw, unearthed talent then they are likely to have been hidden under a pile of washing for the last few years - not digesting paragraphs on how to keep up with modern technology and download videos of yourself. In my experience, people that download videos of themselves on the Internet are not the type of people that I want as friends.

Wouldn;t old fashioned recommendation be sufficient. (Excuse lack of question marks and apostrophes - some small person messed with the keyboard and I am flummoxed by it). I noted the other day that there have been over 400 peaks at this blog. Since I have not sat here refreshing relentlessly, it must be that there are some people reading it. Would life not be far simpler if I whipped up a petition so that all that read my blog simply had to email Loose Women with emails beginning with ;Now look here........: (Note keyboard again).

My entire future depends on my ability to master modernity within a few short hours and without the benefit of a cigarette.

Sounding horribly familiar to my sex life.

I feel a sense of forboding on both fronts