I love men. This is a statement that could be easily misconstrued but as a species, I love them. When I was younger I failed in the big girl stakes. I loathed the large group of giggling girlie's, loathed the shrieking, the bitching and the gossiping. Early on, I discovered that men were easier, not quite what you see is what you got but on the whole - straighter, less bitchy and more solid.
So I befriended them. My closest friends as a teenager were men and through college, with the exception of a lovely hippy girlfriend - I hung out with two of my college lectures, I drank with them, they cuddled me - I shared my secrets and they looked out for me. As an adult, I had male friends that still hold dear to me and despite having discovered the importance of female clan ship, maleness was and is still very important.
Call me old fashioned but if relationships of any kind are unique and special, then none more so than sex. Taken out of context, sex is a random act and one that you can take advantage of with relative ease. For me, in my rather old fashion view - truly good sex is not a simple random act, more a combination of feelings, sensation and emotion and all given at a time when you become a heady mixture of your most powerful and most vulnerable. To band it about without caution is a disservice to something unique, special and ultimately what creates, guides us and enhances us. Even within a relationship it can be used as a weapon and effect of misuse can be ripples in a pond for a long time after the event. There are many things I should like to achieve for my children and one is too teach them this.
I will never be the kind of woman that throws up outside a club and has a quick one with the bloke that eyed me up for 30 seconds. I never want my boys to be the bloke that eyed the drunk girl up for 30 seconds, then had random sex in an alley or a strangers house. I hope, I pray that they value themselves and they have respect for what they are and respect for the person they are with. I don't want them to be puritanical, overly virtuous and rigid in their ethics. I want them to understand that real sex is a boiling pot of all your emotions and senses, a sharing of trust, emotions, sensation and desire - to throw this away would be a disservice to all it can be.
Yet this somewhat old fashioned view does not make me immune to the superficial. I have had my thunderbolt, I have seen the light and once you have been in the vicinity of a body that has been toned to perfection from physical exertion, you will never again have the slightest inclination to share yourself with anyone that has spent too long in an office chair.
So, in my own inimitable style, I have concluded that there are three types of men in my life. Those that I have/will sleep with, those that I would sleep with but never will and those that I wouldn't even consider it with.
Which brings me back to my male friends - these are the ones that I would sleep with but I never will. It has taken me years of saying that male friends are just mates - nothing more, nothing less. Yet this is untrue because to gain a friendship in life, there has to be a spark, there has to be an attraction. Men and women will never avoid biology, never be able to walk away from that primeval urge but a true friendship must acknowledge this. Male friends are what a sexual relationship should be, without the sex. They care, of course they find you attractive - albeit physically or mentally but they do and is so doing, and by not taking that further - they offer you the love, affection, time and sharing that is lacking when only sex takes place.
So this is why I have male friends. They are my fall back. When I am unhappy they give me the male perspective - they let me, for the briefest moment, gain a glimpse into the male mind and when you have one like mine - that churns through every word - this is a good place to be. When I am excited and heady and full of hope and passion - they try and guide my feet back to the ground and remind me that men are different and that only a male mind could see through the testosterone and give you a glimpse at the what is really going on. Female friends will get whipped up with you, they will worry for you, they will swoon with you but a male friend will give it to you straight and at the same time - make you feel attractive, important and worth while.
Yesterday was a great day, a female friend turned up with chilled wine. After a hard day working - she put her life on hold for an hour to come and swoon with me and listen to me behave like a teenager. Then a male friend of some 30 years turned up and shared more wine and finally, I received an email of my male friend life guru - picking at everything I had said, making me look at all that was going on around me and at the same time allowing me to feel like a big girl. I am a lucky woman, a big girl and at this brief period - a very happy one.
There are so many things I can write about and yet so many I cannot. I hate analogies but have found myself increasingly having to use them - in a bid to avoid harming things around. Now I find myself with so much to say but just so much that I want to keep private because they are special and I want them to become very special.
I met someone recently, I want to know him. My gut instinct is that this is private, my feeling are real and I need them to evolve in a slow sensual way - not in a sitcom fashion. I am a big girl, I am a woman and I am no fool and I know that this lovely man with his unfeasibly fantastic body is something I am drawn towards. I have no idea where this may lead or if it will lead anywhere but at this moment I am happy, excited and smiling.
This can be no bad thing.