Emotional baggage is a lot like the luggage carousel at Heathrow. Most of the cases look pretty much the same but you have no idea what lies beneath the security lock. A few stand out: you may notice these ones, maybe for the brashness but equally - you cannot be sure what lies beneath.
Emotional baggage is fine but it only becomes fine when you can pick yours out and know exactly what lies beneath the surface. And this is where I am at - finally.
My girly dalliance with flirtation is over. I cannot say that I didn't have a rough couple of days over it because I did. Realistically, because a lot of nerves are still raw and this touched many. Wrong time, wrong place and yet no matter the brief roller coaster that I went on, I regret nothing because in that short space of time I realised many, many things.
I can see quite clearly the roles I play, the reactions I have. I can see how emotional damage can mould who you are and affect your future. I can also see that this is a choice. For the briefest of moments, I dropped the emotional guard and made myself vulnerable and guess what, the world did not end and I am still breathing.
Did I make a fool of myself? Probably. Yet making a fool of myself and wearing my heart on my sleeve is so much nearer to the person I am happier being, that I can live with it. Accepting the baggage is part of recovering from it and this is not necessarily the easiest option. Dealing with it means looking at yourself head on and facing your insecurities.
I recognise mine, I am no longer scared of my future and I have learned that in terms of the past - I have very much let go. The Body God is not in this place. Letting go of the past and stepping into the future is a pretty terrifying option at the best of times and fear immobilises people. Getting back into that repetitive circle sometimes seems the most comfortable option.
If there is one thing I wish I had learned when I was younger it would simply be that it is possible to love people and recognise that this does not mean they are good for you. Love should never mean that you are unhappy, love should never mean that you do all the giving whilst someone else does all the taking. Emotions are not necessarily the guide you need in life, they are irrational, non sensical and when making life choices - your head really is a better judge.
Einstein is quoted to have said
"The true definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result"
Call it my thunderbolt. Sadly, the Body God was not in the same place as I and it is not my place or desire to be involved in the emotional baggage of others if they cannot see it themselves. Leading a life where guilt brings an obsession with trying to do the right thing all the time will not offer the future of inner calm and happiness. Letting go of something does not mean skipping into the sunset in joy. Letting go emotionally is a deeply painful and difficult process. Recognition that you need to go through this to get to the other side is true wisdom. For me, recognising that i no longer need to feel grateful that someone finds me attractive is a huge box ticked. I am me, and being me is not perfect but it is not as bad as i thought and a lot better than it had me beleive
Clearly It and I spent the best parts of our lives acting in an entirely foolish way. Realising that is a very exciting prospect. the future is very daunting for a host of reasons, but the past is the past and to revisit it, even for the briefest moment would be emotional insanity.
I also discovered a lot about knickers. Facing a new future makes you look at all aspects of your life, including your underwear drawer. Someone told me that I wore big knickers. I would like to categorically state that my boy style hipster things are NOT big knickers and are in fact, very stylish, tres' funky and what any stylish woman in this wears. To prove this, I conducted a pole with my female friends.
It turns out that most of them consider wearing butt floss G strings as perfectly acceptable underwear. EWWW. Yes, I know men like them but seriously, you would have to really love your buttocks to consider a piece of string separating them to be underwear. I do not like my bottom. My bottom half is currently size 6 and I have a boys body (with the exception of a mildly disproportionate upper half. As such I do not have a very defined waist, this is because size 6 people cannot have tiny waists since they would snap in half.
As such, if I wear a G string I simply look like a bulimic sumo wrestler and it is not a particularly attractive sight. Fitted hipsters are far more appropriate and I do not care what anyone says. They are simply more stylish.
On the subject of underwear, I was having a discussion with a friend about the pain implications of a bikini wax.
"Far to painful" she claimed "I simply wear big Sloggi knickers and pull them high"
A little stunned, I pointed out that a bikini line normally goes sideways and not upright. No matter how hard I try to dispel the image, it is there in my head - of my friend with her southern growing biking line that reaches her belly button.
I bet its in yours now.