I am a scaby bitch. I know this because the man that cycled past my house and looked over the garden wall, told me so. It has to be quite the funniest thing that has happened all week.
This man once spoke to middle child. I struggle to recall the exact words but it was something along the lines of
"Get off the fxxxxing grass, you fxxxxxx little xxxxx"
Now call me old fashioned but I do not view this as an appropriate way of speaking to a then 10 year old and so, quite out of character for one that prefers to avoid confrontation - I decided to go and tell him.
It wasn't a very productive conversation. The man and his wife swore so much I struggled to make sense with what they were saying. Apparantly child had walked on a grass bank in front of the house. At this point I was yet to discover that they did not own the bank, nor did they in fact have planning permission or ownership of the concrete steps and gateway they had placed over it. So at this point I had little more than my stance against the decline in moral guidance by adults.
"Do you have children of your own" I enquired.
"No and I wouldn't fxxxxzng want brats like yours" the refined lady replied
"So" say I "There is a God" and turning heel, I left.
At this point I phoned the local police and advised that inappropriate and foul language directed on one so young was less than good citizenship. They agreed and sadly for them - they regularly invite this charming chap to have chats on his word usage with locals.
Now since this event I have in fact stumbled across him whilst walking the dog. We have chatted in a civilized manner and both continued walking our bitches (mine was the dog), so the incident yesterday was doubly funny when I realised that when walking the odg, he had no idea who I was. I have looked up tourettes but it is no more likely to have a predisposition to amnesia than any other quirk.
So I told everyone in my favourite drinking venue that I am now a scabby bitch. I can laugh about this because I know that it is untrue - I am still having a close relationship with the Clarins Body Serum and enriched body lotion and as such, have skin like a 12 month olds butt.
On returning to the car last night a friend was horrified.
"Oh my God" She declared "You didn't leave it like this, you've been broken into"
She was absolutely right, the car had been turned upside down and it was in complete chaos.
She was wrong about it being broken into though. No self respecting car thief would ever break into my car and if I thought they could find anything quicker than I do, I would willingly leave all the doors open and a list of items I lost in there.