Saturday, 13 June 2009

Grab a seat, it may be a long one.

There is someone in my life that has been trying to teach me something for along time - I am never entirely sure why but we all take out of advice what we  choose to or feel ready to and often leave the harder bits to one side. I, for one finally get it.  Lets call this character the Life Guru.

The Life Guru has tried to get me to see that I am responsible for my own emotions, that the actions of others cannot cause them but my reactions to events do. I got the logic but given the circumstances failed to see how short of practicing free love and smoking a lot of cannabis, that I would ever reach this stage. Free love is rarely free and smoking cannabis makes me blotchy so neither were a long term fix.

Yet I finally get it. Sadly, it was not the Life Guru that made it click, I feel sure this character would not feel in the slightest miffed, but content that they had sown the seed that enabled the obvious to grow in my mind (poetic words, I feel). In fact, it was courtesy of 'It' and his family and for this I am indebted.

'It' is accruing a monumental amount of hatred towards me, almost as if leaving was the beginning of a hurricane of hatred that has slowly building momentum. I am sure that the full force is yet to hit but I now realise that it will only send me flying if I let it - which I won't.

Over the last few weeks it has been clear that one of  the many techniques  that he is keen to continue is one of control by withdrawal. He sends an email, I reply - he will not. I send an email, he does not respond. He will avoid any eye contact. It used to make me mad, which I am certain is the aim and now I am at the eye rolling stage.

So anyway, back to my debt of gratitude. A conversation took place yesterday. I did not raise my voice and since I was asking direct questions that he had failed to respond to, he did not want to answer - so he responds in a vocal manner of someone trying to clear their throat from venom. Long shot was when I pointed out that since it was not me that had had an affair, I was unsure as to why he should be the one holding on to so much animosity.

This was, I might add after he had himself questioned that he embarked on an affair. Since I have kept the Facebook page for the family album - I thought this a tad silly but sensibly didn't point it out. Yet when he spoke to me, his face contorted with utter hatred and this is the point I truly got it.

"You made my life utter hell'

Now clearly I could argue over this one. When you get to do what you want pretty much all of the time,  and the only real investment you place in your family is by way of paying bills - it would be easy to argue that this cannot be entirely true but really, what would the point be.

Hatred is very ugly and as either a personality or a physical trait, it is not an attractive one. If I had made his life such hell, he could have said so. If I made his life hell then he solved that issue by leaving and being with someone else. He has been in that bed now for some time so really, his problems should be solved.  As such, I am not responsible for the way he feels now, he is. His hatred can only be his hatred. The only person that can cause this anger and bitterness is himself and really, you would rather think that his new woman must be getting a little annoyed that he has such capacity for strength of feeling for the woman that made his life such hell.

So that short discussion solved many things. I realised the wisdom. I do not want to ever wear that ugly face of hatred and at 40 - I cannot afford to make myself unattractive, so I won't. I am learning the art of the present. The past is what it is and cannot be changed and there is no benefit to staying there. I for one, am happy to move on.

So the second accolade to my Eurika moment is to 'Its' parents. Following a flurry of emails which are now too pointless to venture into. I received one yesterday advising that I should not be speaking to anyone in the family (Typed in bold) or to any of 'It's' friends.  Apparently it is not normal. What is not normal is for your parents to be telling your wife who she can speak to and giving unrequested opinion. God forbid I ever unleashed my Mother into the ring.

There have been a couple of points in my life when I have realised that I was a grown up and this is one. You cannot be responsible for anyone else's behaviour - only your own. No-one can dictate to me who I can and cannot talk to - only the people that I speak with can decide, for themselves whether they wish to speak with me. 

There were many other lovely things contained in this email and I finally realised that I could respond, which would follow a life long pattern of who gets the last word, or I could ignore it. I have decided to ignore it. I know the truth, I know the reality and I no longer need to prove that to others and I no longer have to read words designed to hurt. Furthermore, I no longer need to stay connected to unhealthy relationships. This is my new choice and it is quite liberating

As one of the banned said "If there is one true immediate benefit to this break up, it has to be that you are well out of all of this"

So it did take seeing the pointlessness of it all in someone else face but it does not really matter how it came about. 'It' had a voice, I cannot shoulder the blame for his inability to use it. 'It' can blame others for life's unfairness, he can blame his parents, his wife, his children and his career but once you run out of boxes to tick you are just left with yourself.

And that is not my problem. 

Normal service will resume shortly

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