Irony, insight and a new perspective

I had a conversation last night that hinged around the fact that I was considered to be insightful. Apparently to the point of Witchdom.

Over the years I have grown used to the fact that the way in which my mind works can and does intimidate people. I have had countless friends tell me I need to stop analysing things and just accept things as they are. Which is advice that comes with a strong thread of irony.

Ironic since with all the love and intention that comes with those nuggets of advice, is perhaps the lack of acceptance for who I am. There is no question that my mind has been the vehicle for deep routed pain. When people hurt me, they can do so to a level that sometimes forces me to question whether others feel the same pain. It’s invariably not with malice, more of a result of not accepting their own issues. The problem with my mind is that I can work out the issues and thus can never hate the person for behaviour that my gut instinct tells me – makes them unhappy. 

So I accept that they are not unkind. Understanding their behaviour affords me no vehicle for anger. As a result, my own process of healing takes considerably longer than would be reasonably expected.

So last night was an evening of yet more irony. I had a conversation with a man who further back in time had messed with both my head and my heart. I learnt a lot from him. Mainly that the issues he had, were ones that were also part of my own personality. I don’t have a fear that a relationship might not work. I have a fear that it might.  My Achilles heel is vulnerability.

A friend advised recently that I need a man that doesn’t put up with my thought process. That advice comes from love, since as a friend - she knows the real me. But she is wrong – what I would need is a man perceptive enough to see through defence mechanisms and strong enough to not be scared of them.

And I scare people, which all comes down to the insightful thing. If you have an issue, I will nail it. I don’t seek to, it’s just the mind I have. I don’t have a problem with people’s issues but if they do, it becomes a problem. There can be nothing harder than trying to pretend you are the toughest person in the world only to have someone raising an eyebrow in your direction. Which I will.

Yet last night was a revelation to me. I have spent many years thinking that my life would be simpler and less painful if I didn’t have a mind that thought things through from every angle, in a split second. It’s not a new issue, I vividly recall feeling deeply lonely as a child - wishing with all my might that my brain would just stop whirring. It never did.

So the real irony is that in seeking to understand others and accepting them with their faults is the one thing about myself that others can often find hard to accept. In this they never really accepted who I am which in turn, means I never have either.

So as I sat last night listening to a man that I have always understood too well for his comfort, talk about my insightfulness in positive terms - was a watershed moment. He spoke of my blog, his view of my insight and my perception of situations with what appeared to be genuine admiration. More importantly, it was a brief moment without guard and without suspicion. And for a brief moment I saw that in accepting me for who I am, showed a glimmer of the man I know him to be.

Perhaps one day I will meet someone who can accept that I am who I am. The things I have written on this blog may have been raw, they may have been harsh but they all came from my bizarre thought process and they all came from honesty.

Maybe one day I will get past the meaningless flirtations, the challenging banter, to trust that when a man shows an interest – it’s not merely because they may consider me to be attractive. Perhaps when I enter into flirtation and banter it might be that I stop assuming there only to be one goal at the end of it, and it isn’t my mind. Perhaps one day, I will meet a man that doesn’t turn me into their mission because I challenge their pre-conceived ideas of what a woman should be. Perhaps, just perhaps I will get to a place where I can trust someone makes the effort because they see the real me, not the one I offer.

So to the man that fucked with my head, I thank you for offering me a moment where being me felt valued. To offer a view that was unsought, unexpected and with no cost attached. It was a long road and I am glad that what I always saw is who you are. I wish you nothing but happiness.

As for me, I may at some point – consider dropping the sparring gloves.

But it will take an insightful man.

I may have to think about all of this.