WHEN THE BALANCE IS IN MY FAVOUR

I have a love hate relationship with Birthdays. I say that they don't bother me and then they leave me feeling flat. It is not an age thing in the slightest, I have never associated a single day as a point that defines my mortality. Besides, the older I get, the happier I feel and the more sorted my mind becomes. Despite this, I still associate it with a time of expectation that invariably fails to deliver. The best protection has always been to expect nothing.

Perhaps it is not this at all. The minute that I am told that something is the way it is, or should be the way it will be, I want to challenge it. Like booking a a taxi for a night out will guarantee a worthless evening. Preparing for a worthless evening and driving the car, is normally sufficient to guarantee a fantastic night.

So tonight I was proved wrong. Stage one birthday was spent consuming too much Vodka and ended with in depth conversation into the early hour with ex blind dates chum and another founding member of the 'Single people at Sunday Lunch Club. It also ended with the sobering realisation that my car was in a part of Wiltshire which I was not.

Apparently 'proper' birthday celebration was delayed until the weekend for the benefit of the boys, who are quite partial to birthday celebration and particularly ones in which cake is involved.

I have said it numerous times, but I feel immeasurably privileged with friends. With all the rubbish being thrown my way in terms of Divorce and trying to financially manage 4 children - I fear that I would be in a very different place without my army of buddies. No matter that sometimes I feel that I am not dealing with things as well as I might - there is always someone that gives me a hug, or simply demands an explanation if there is anything less than a spring in my step. Tonight, when I had a moment of somewhat subdued demeana, rarely witnessed by others - one of the mafia congratulated me. Apparently, so used to me being positive and full of determination, they all breath a sigh of relief when I am quiet, since it means that I am relaxed enough to be myself. Fair point. A word of warning though, if I am quiet, have a set jaw and am staring at you directly - it could be time for you to be alarmed.

So birthday stage 2 and its perfect execution. Child 2 makes an enormous chocolate cake. Admittedly it takes two hours to clear up the kitchen but it was a fabulous offering. The evening has been carefully orchestrated and I am not allowed a part, except attendance. At 7pm, someone turns up to put my children in the bath. I am then ordered the same. A scented candle lit in preparation and as lie amidst the bubbles, a knock on the door and a glass of chilled wine appears by the side of the bath.

By the time I appear, there are others and an accompanying abundance of food. Child 2 has found lights for the chair, the table is laid and flowers and tea lights have arrived. I have not lifted a finger. Sometimes, with the divorce, the pittance of maintenance and It's determination to force a sale, I wonder what I could possibly have done to deserve the way he has behaved towards us. Yet In balance, I wonder what I have done to deserve tremendous friends. Who knows, perhaps some form of balance.

It is the perfect birthday celebration: out of my control, perfect children, perfect friends and a perfect evening.

Perfect xx