A Defensive Move

One of the things that I have always found moderately disconcerting about myself, is my ability to run 100 things through my head at the same time as having a conversation.

I went out tonight with close friend and we discussed everything. At the same time as discussing everything I ran several things through my head simultaneously. The first was the Mother-in-law/husband thing. The conclusion I reached was that normality is relative. Their level of normality is so far removed from mine, and that of most people - that there is no chance of them ever seeing their behaviour is a different way, since the way they behave is entirely normal. To them.

The other thought I had was that the Divorce and upcoming court case is the death knell for eldest child and fatherly relationship. I think there is a sad certainty that since his father appears blinded by the true cost of all of this, the only thing he will gain is the absolute certainty that he will lose his son for good. Fortunately I am not in the position myself but should I ever have to choose between money and my children's respect well frankly, it would be a non brainer. I feel much the same about my own self respect.

On another note. Ex blind date has told me (and he is not the first) that I have the emotional responses of a man. Having read some of his texts from women, I was genuinely shocked at how girly some of them where. Apparently, my shock is misplaced since I am, as he says 'not like most women'.

I received a text the other day from a man who suggested we meet for a drink. I was unable reply for hours since I could not find the right words. If I wrote that would be great, or 'that would be lovely' he may think I was keen. I was perplexed, not for want of game playing but purely because I didn't know if I wanted to go or not. Nice legs, very good thighs but a man that didn't appear to get me and in my mind: if you don't get me, you won't get me.

So I deliberated all day and in the end wrote 'On the drink front -that's fine' Granted not girly but I am past any stage where I feel any need to try and impress anyone with something I am not. So I met him, I had a good evening but at the end of it, he made a couple of assumptions that got my back up and that was it, door shut.

I though about it and realised something else. Shutting the door on something is about me being defensive. People can make me cry with ease and yet they think that I am the last person to have this response. Those that get to see me do it more than once are few and far between. Last night hook up thought he should tell me that I was clearly very strong and he had heard I was pretty feisty.

I can be strong, I can be feisty but as I learnt this year, I am also very susceptible to being very hurt and it is not somewhere I want to revisit. Getting to know someone is no doubt about them getting to know that you are not quite as the world assumes that you are. This is the point that they can trample all over you. The minute people feel they can make personal assumptions about me, I want to cry and this is the moment that I turn into an emotional hard arse.

So for the man that thought I was strong and feisty, the door is shut.