Sometimes, more so this year than ever - someone does something that defies all reason, all normality and all morals. In fact, I fear I may have met more than my fair share of those that could slip into this category - but none more so than my soon to be in-laws.

To say they are unique would be an understatement. Listing the catalogue of staggering events in the time I have known them, would be a larger task than cataloging the contents of the British library. Whilst I have long acknowledged that some, much, of their behaviour is not entirely normal - it is in fact part of the behaviour that I have had to accept as normal (within the confines of warped).

One of the many benefits of divorce is that I rid myself of this unnecessary abnormal. Despite immense efforts to try and ensure that the children were protected from any unnecessary emotional damage and for Grandparents to visit the children at home, regardless of anything that was going on between parents - efforts were wasted when Mother in Law, true to past history - chose it as yet another opportunity in life to tap into her pleasure zone. Which is generally being vitriolic about others. I am not entirely sure that sharing her feelings with some of the children, or within ear shot - was a wise choice. However, wise people are generally not vitriolic.

Having now been saved of the need to spend anymore of my life keeping the peace has afforded the ability to step back and see how surreal it all is. There is one family member who is utterly lovely and we have been close for nearly 30 years. In their true style of being able to stand up for their beliefs, this family member has refused to be drawn into taking sides. For them, their relationship with me is not dependant on anything other than the fact that we get on and care about each other. This lovely person has also been the only person who will do what is right for the children, regardless.

Despite their loveliness, this family member has had a truly terrible year. Their reward for a terrible year and their kindness and normal thought process? A ban from being seen at Christmas and just to make the message truly clear - not even a call on Christmas Day.

The crime? They had arranged to come and visit me.

This is not love, this is not family and this is certainly not normal. Welcome to the world that was mine. Anyone entering into this world has my utter blessing.

I went to the gym this morning. My new programme had been lost and a different member of staff had to compile a new one. Having looked forward to pulling, running or messing around on a machine whilst plugged into the television - I was met with contempt at all electrical gym machinery.

'You can do it, if you don't want to exercise properly' He said

There really is no answer. I wanted to say that the machines sounded quite appealing but he was having none of it and before I knew it I had been signed up for a whole host of free weights, press ups, pull ups and squats. Suddenly, I feel less excited.

Sometimes feel very self conscious. Trying to perfect the art of the squat with disregard to appearance was tricky. I knew that no matter how good for the recovering knee repair, that I looked like a geriatric trying to get off a commode. I get the weights, I get the pull ups but I draw the line at thrusts, thigh or leg. Thigh thrusts (or whatever you call them) have far too many connotations for me to do without humiliation in a packed gym. I watched someone else doing thrusts down the length of the gym and all I could think of was Monty Python. This was my limit.

Mr Hard Core gym instructor got it. He showed me a secret place to do humiliating exercises. I felt a little disappointed that none of the weights have anything to plug my natty little electronic key into. I may have to sneak off and use an electrical gadget so that I can feel fully immersed in modern gym technology.

Still, he made sense. I will have better muscles, a better body - I will just have to be a little more bored than I anticipated. Apparently I am stronger than I think. I thought I was close to a jellyfish and i fear i am. Mr Hard Core was simply being nice because I got a little tearful.

By the end of it, I had only done completed about 10 press ups and I felt no fitter. I fear a long steep road ahead.

I met up with a friend last night. Then we met someone else. We thought she was really nice until she ordered Diet Coke. Call it irrational (and it is) but I loathe it when people drink Diet Coke.

It is a little like when people order a pudding and say

'Oh, I really shouldn't - I will regret it'

If you really shouldn't, then don't. If you want the pudding, eat it with pleasure and don't look for someone to tell you you don't need to worry about eating it. The fact that you said it, means that you probably should worry.

If you want a coke, order a coke. If you think that drinking a staggeringly unhealthy drink is made healthier by a carcinogenic chemically made sugar substitute you are deluded. If you are worried about your weight, drink water. Ordering a diet coke is unnecessarily girly and irritating.

She was quite nice before she ordered a diet coke.

I am well known for my inability to drink vast quantities of alcohol. Two white wine spritzers and I find it difficult to walk in an entirely straight line. Three and I would no doubt be hospitalized

So I am presently unclear as to why I thought it a good idea to drink 10 Vodka and cranberries. Considering the amount, I think I handled it quite well. The word 'think' could be the key point. I did walk in a straight line, I was coherent, I made no inappropriate gestures and I did not raise my voice to anyone. However, I feel quite ill now. I suspect delayed alcohol reaction. Most of the Vodka was consumed between 11 and 2am. By 12pm I was at the bar holding a perfectly full drink, declaring that last orders were in an hour and I ought to stack up in preparation.

Feeling a little flat at events of the last few months, I decided that proactive action was called for in the form of false eyelashes. Superficial maybe but there is definitely a closet Katie Price in me. By the time we got to the pub we had decided that the New Year needed to be ended with a kiss. If became less appealing when Sister-in- Law pointed out that I was too fussy and I was looking for nothing more than a hole in the face. Really, so classy. There were a wide selection of slightly balding men with glasses and whilst I had no set criteria - there are limits. I gave up and decided upon more Vodka.

As it turned out I was kissed several times by a 25 year old. I am getting better at this, 35, 45, 25. I fear that 25 is certainly too young and whilst possibly flattering (ish) it became a tad irritating. At this point, having put his number in my mobile and having requested mine several times - I decided to give him a mobile number, it just was not mine. So, if you happen to be a male relative and possibly not for much longer - I have to admit that I gave your number out. Apologies, it was the only one I could think of. On the plus side , I think he may be bisexual so this really could be the start of an interesting New Year.

To be honest, I cannot say there is anything particularly attractive about being kissed by a 25 year old. Nor is there anything particularly exciting about kissing someone without chemistry. Tis strange how a man can be attractive and yet do absolutely diddly for you. Random dating would be so utterly tiresome. Still, it was another experience.

I think it foolish to go the gym today. A nasty incident with a running machine would be inevitable. Yesterday saw the Gym induction. All fine, except that I am far more unfit than I had thought.

'No worries' declared Hannah,

'I will start you on a very gentle programme, just 5 minutes on each machine'

Great think I, until I had a little go. 1.5 minutes and I came close to a near death experience. My thighs hurt so much I thought someone has whacked me with a steel bar. Frankly, I am so weak that I am surprised I manage to walk anywhere. I have a lot of work to do in my bid to have vice like limbs.

The gym resides on a very steep hill. I forgot that if you drive a low level fuel filled Chrysler down a very steep hill - the petrol drains, the car thinks it has no fuel and cuts out. This is the point in which you lose power assisted everything. Now Limpley Stoke may be very beautiful and indeed it is, but it has appalling mobile contact and there may be days in which a bracing walk would be a refreshing choice, but not when it is nearly sub zero temperatures and you have to keep walking half a mile in a bid to get rescued. Two hours later a charming teenager on a scooter arrived. For a moment, I saw a little glimmer as to the benefits of children.

Boots and Breasts.

A friend of mine has offered me her thighs. Such a kind gesture. I read an article on breast implants from body fat and rather liked it. Having once written an article for a motoring section that included on the effects of silicone toxicity in the event of collision - it has rather put me off the idea of filling breasts with the stuff. Body fat, that is another matter. Apparently they suck the fat of your thighs and inject it into your breasts. Voila, natural breast implants.

Only I have no fat on my thighs. Weighing in at 7 stone 2, allows little for marvelously enhanced mammories. Suck it out of my thighs and I will end up looking like a question mark. Hence the offer. I am not convinced that someone else fat would really work. There may be issues with rejection. On the other hand, rejection is something I handle well. This could be the way to go.

Boots - Mine have served me well. I have F*** Me Boots, which worked superbly. They then became F*** You Boots, which also worked for me. Last week I forgot about common sense and ran across ice in 4 inch heeled boots. They became F*** Me boots once more but not in the way I had enjoyed so much previously. I am now looking for a new pair.

There a couple of elderly people in my village that have discovered this blog. It makes for such fun. I imagine that even with the *** they will be having a fit. Don't worry, I took the boots off.

The police turned up yesterday for the fact that someone had reported a vehicle with no tax. The police were very understanding of the reasons why. So far in the last month I have had the visit from the police, a warrant of execution on one utility, another cut off and an invitation to the Jeremy Kyle show. I may be lying about the last bit. We are economising on utilities out of necessity. We lasted 1 week with no heating. The children were to cold to get in bed so we had a family conference and decided to turn it back on LOW. We are all fine as long as you hang onto the radiator. If we lose our home we should be sufficiently practised that we can downsize to an appropriate telephone kiosk.

One major cut back is use of the tumble dryer. God, drying clothes naturally is so tedious. Not only do they take three months to dry with no heating, they are creased and you have to iron them. Middle child was given the task of hanging wet clothes on the airer yesterday. He thought that standing on it and breaking the leg may change my position. It did, now we just have wet clothes.

Word of the day - Synergy, accept it. Embrace it.

I am joining the gym, finally.

I am going to get fitter and stare at fitter bodies. So much emotionally safer than touching beautiful bodies, though that was rather enjoyable. Perfect and thank you to the provider of such a generous gift.

Gut instinct on all matters has always served me well. Gut instinct often flies in the face of external events and factors and sometimes it is hard to hang on to without any external influence

Spinoza differed sharply from the Stoics in one important respect: he utterly rejected their contention that reason could defeat emotion.

Tick, tick

Sera

Boo! Hi Susie XX

Another thought and elsewhere,

Isn't it sad how people can be in total external denial about behaviour. No matter how you behave, deep down, in the couple of minutes before you go to sleep - you will know the difference between having integrety and not. The things that you do that make you feel worthless are the reasons that you have that feeling. External superiority fools no one.

At the end of the day, grown ups are not children. Let go of the past and start taking responsibility for actions. There is no excuse for unnecessary unkindness. None

It is this behaviour that creates a loneliness that will erode you. It will continue to do so until the day that you decide to grow up. Chances are like shooting stars, you need to see them to appreciate how special they were.

Sleep well lonely one.

PS. The thing about words is that they can speak to whoever hears them. This may not be about you and yet it may be aimed directly at you. If you all suffer the same unhappiness then the words will speak to you anyway.

I failed dismally in my bid to find a holiday for a fiver. I did however manage to procure some obscenely cheap flights and so am part way through my mission.

I took the older two for an Indian tonight. The man serving said

'Can you just check the pilau - it doesn't smell right to me'

This strikes me as a little odd. If something doesn't smell right, why would you ask your customers to try it first to see if it kills them? I let the children try it first because that is just how generous I am. They survived and short of winning awards for aromatic nirvana - it was okay.

The children have been surviving on a fairly ad hoc food regime; lethargy, illness and stress make for no Nigella and whilst I know that they have eaten, I cannot put my hand on heart and say that it is the best this kitchen can muster. As a result, we are unaccustomed to large quantity and half way through the meal, we all experienced a near death moment. Given the proximity to the local undertakers, this could have been most convenient.

So we had a nice meal, we overate, risked food poisoning and felt fat, bloated and ill on leaving. For this we paid good money. This goes to prove that money does not necessarily make you feel good.

So back to the issue of the holiday. We have flights and nowhere to stay. Every year I tell myself that normal people plan and book these things in advance. I have lost count of the times we have had the car fully loaded and still frantically trawled the Internet for accommodation. I cannot forget the last flying family holiday we had (10 years ago) when it was booked, paid and left us a mere three hours to get to Birmingham airport (the joy of last minute bargains), or the bargain basement holiday to Thailand when I took myself, a baby, a toddler, a friend and her 4 month old on a spontaneous holiday to Malaysia. I lost the childs shoes in last minute packing and he spent his hols in slippers, nothing was booked, nothing planned, a guidebook purchased at Heathrow that did not get read on the plane. This was the best holiday I ever had.

There are some things you can plan for in life, some you cannot. The planned ones have anticipation and expectation attached - all to easily shot down. The last minute unplanned will always be okay because it just will. Sometimes not knowing what is around the corner is far more exhilarating than knowing, and the results are often better

I do wish I had sent the passport applications off earlier.