Too much text

The man that I am not particularly dating told me that I am not like a real girl. Apparently I am more like a boy. I have also been described as 'a small boy with breasts', Tank Girl and 'The Girl wit the Dragon Tattoo' - though I hasten to add, not all by the same man. I have not been overly flattered but ex-blind date assures me that the Tank Girl one is not an insult.

It would be a fair assessment that there are times where I respond to things like a 'Geezer' and when I respond to thinks like a girl, they tend to be overly girlie, emotional panic rants via text (god forbid that I share emotional panic on a face to face level) Should the unwitting recipient push an emotional button and MAKE me look them in the face, then tears are normally involved. Tears and talking are not one of the multi skills I ever mastered. In fact tears are not necessarily about genuine sadness but more to do with genuine awkwardness at being made to share a feeling. Tears feel so shockingly girlie that they normally render me incapable of speech in the hope that tears are sufficient and the unlucky other party is psychic.

So on the whole, I associate being overly emotional with being girlie and am more comfortable by far sending texts that say intelligent and feminine things such as "Nice Arse"

So having been told that I am a bit of a boy by a man that makes me want to be a bit of a girl, I decide that illness was the perfect time to watch a Chick Flick and get in touch with my inner Barbie.

I was nearly sick. I find it hard to believe that any film can incorporate such bad acting, such airhead mentality, such lip gloss, boobs and banality. I swear if being a girl means chocolate and chick flicks on a Saturday Evening, then I am going for surgery.

Should you ever find your self in the unfortunate position of being sufficiently ill to warrant a chick flick, don't bother. Having endured 90 minutes of torture I think it fair to say that the 'The boat that rocked' (I think that was it's title, was a much better choice'

Continuing on the theme of having my self imaged challenged, I was out texted this week. Never in the history of texting has this happened. I send a pretty sharp, pretty cryptic, pretty clever (and quite long) text and I get one back that frankly, blew mine out of the water. It took me 14 hours to come up with a response and the best I could do was to admit defeat. I am totally flummoxed. I have been out texted by a man.

Perhaps I am more of an airhead than I thought

When the shoe fits.

On a more positive note. I had a shoe fix. At times of emotional dilemma and revelation - always have a shoe fix. It works wonders

Drama Queens and lessons in Life

I am a woman of action. Following last night self revelations, I slept badly. By mid morning I had figured that the feelings of panic that were making me want to bolt, were due to placing myself in a situation that I had done in my marriage. I wasn't being true to myself.

At no point have I ever blamed 'he who cannot be mentioned' for the fact our relationship was co dependant and toxic. We both entered into it for our own reasons and it was doomed to fail because of it (This is not to say that I don't hold him responsible for his utter bitterness and unkindness since, because I do).

I wasn't true to myself. I shut off my emotions because his issues gave me a chance to avoid mine. I shut off emotions because I chose a man that would never be able to emotionally supportive or in tune because nothing existed outside his own issues. Thus co-dependency.

This morning I got it. I couldn't be vulnerable with my choice of husband because I had made my vulnerability something he was responsible for. In wringing it out to dry I made a connection that vulnerability is a stick someone can beat you with and therefore a bad thing. The truth is that vulnerability is part of being me and something I need to take responsibility for myself. In not allowing myself to be vulnerable, I cannot allow myself to love or be loved.

This is going to get confusing - I figured that in denying my vulnerability in the hope of not scaring someone else, I was living my life at the mercy of another person yet again. My panic response was because I was presenting with the same behaviour that I knew could only create the same pattern. Duh!

Then someone made me read the Karpman Dram Triangle - Victim, rescuer and persecutor, how we live according to a script- on the whole negative and how we basically can move from role to role.

"The covert purpose for each 'player' is to get their unspoken (and frequently unconscious) psychological wishes/needs met in a manner they feel justified, without having to acknowledge the broader dysfunction or harm done in the situation as a whole. As such, each player is acting upon their own selfish 'needs', rather than acting in a genuinely responsible or altruistic manner.

Bingo. Owning your feelings is about taking responsibility for them and not expecting others to. My issue with vulnerability is a big one. Then I realised the obvious, if I owned my own issue then I was accepting myself as I am and it is only when you do that, and accept others for who they are and not what they can give you - that you can reach acceptance and stop allowing the past to dictate the future.

Since the past was on the whole destructive and emotionally abusive, it is not a drama that I want to keep playing. So today I was honest about the feelings of panic that I had been experiencing and honest about my knee jerk reaction to risk. I was honest about the fact that if I was feeling like I could get hurt, then that meant that there was something that I was recognising as potential to feel good. Running away will not protect me. Seeing if I can get past the feelings of panic and see what happens will. Perhaps those around me will be capable of doing the same, perhaps not - but the one thing I know is that the only person responsible for my emotional well being is myself. That is not about protection, it is about honesty and respect.

When I stayed in a relationship for over 20 years, I stuck with a man that was indeed passively aggressive, he did indeed sap me of self esteem and confidence but more than that, I entered into a contract were I willingly abused myself because the only person that accepted not being myself was part of the deal, was me.

You can get to a crossroad in life and you have a choice: the route you don't know and the one that is well trodden. I the well trodden one has not been a happy one, self preservation will dictate the unknown. When I showed my softer side today (and believe me the fear nearly made me vomit) I discovered the fear of change is greater than the actual change.

I didn't vomit

Entering into the circles of others

I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness this evening. Having re-framed my thought process into acknowledging that I want no long term anything, want no normal because normal is the death of everything, I spoke with a friend that has just hooked up with someone that has made her so blissfully happy that she has been almost transformed by contentment.

As I explained my newly re-framed thought process of no expectation and happiness in just living for the moment , she said

"That is utter bollocks, of course you want a long term possibility, we all do"

Then I went to the pub. I joined in, I had a great time, I emphasised that I am not 'in' a relationship, just having a good time. At which point the people I was with said:

"Will you stop the negative crap about this going nowhere, you are only doing it because you are too scared to think it might"

They have a point and I feel a tad saddened. Someone I knew last year said to me that they try very hard to think with their head and struggled with the fact they were being led by their heart. In the end the head won and this in essence, is where it all goes very wrong.

I am thinking with my head because my head knows that if I feel with my heart, it is going to get broken. The true irony is that in shutting off the part of my heart that can truly expose myself to emotions, feelings and ultimately, vulnerability - I am guaranteeing that I shut off he feelings that allow you to get past this stage and feel things on a different level.

It is this deeper level that makes a relationship. Thinking with your head may well protect you from harm but it also means that you can talk yourself out of a relationship quicker than you ever talked yourself in. In simplistic terms, you will never get out of a relationship what you are too afraid to put in, which ultimately means that the relationship with potential can never grow and is doomed to fail.

I have completely empathised with the serial dater recently. You meet someone, it's great, you get swept away with all the possibility in it and then you make that fatal mistake. You use your brain. Your brain takes over emotions and gives you 150 reasons why this will never work. Survival mechanism kicks in, turns off your ability to feel emotions and you walk away because you can now justify that you no longer feel anything emotional for that person and so it becomes a no brainer. Except that it is your brain that has convinced your heart that the risk of pain is simply too high.

And this is the position I find myself. The head is taking over and in extricating myself from emotional risk means that I have entered into something that my head recognises is emotionally risky. Emotions are switching off. Yet deep down, I know that this is an action on my part to avoid pain, because I know that I am capable of feeling it.

For someone that can see self fulfilling prophecy a mile off in others, I appear to be creating my own. I knew when I met the serial dater that he had entered into my life for a reason. I had hoped that it was that I learnt something from it but instead, I appear to be replicating it.

Life sucks.

Pregnant Pause

More strange insight. Having harped on in my head that I find myself in another no win situation, I found myself somewhat dreading any call that might lead to heavy conversation.

Last nights conversation was not heavy. Hum drum normal, which was great until he asked about what was going on with the house, the divorce and that 'ex husband' person. There is clearly concern. There was advice on making sure that I had everything read through before every signature was penned. The other evening there was bewilderment that I should have chosen to spend most of my life with a man that had different morals, ethics and views on life, different expectations, philosophies and heart. I had not really considered any of that but once pondered - had to confess that his bewilderment was nothing compared to mine.

It was a surreal conversation. It was normal, it was what people talk about in a 'relationship'. But we are not in one, we are simply seeing each other. I realised that 'normal' is not somewhere I particularly want to go. The normal in life is frankly so dull or depressing that I would be entirely happy to keep it out of any 'non relationship'. I do not want to talk about ex husband since the days when he does not enter my head are so much better than the days he does. I do not want to talk about mortgages, MOT's or gas bills - I want to lie in bed with someone and talk about philosophy, art and other people.

The poor confused fellow who does not want a relationship is unwittingly stepping into relationship territory and I am panicking because I feel really uncomfortable with making anything normal. It seems that the man I find myself in a no win situation with, is in fact in a no win situation himself.

On a more amusing not, I nipped out to a friends house this evening. She was already in her third gin and tonic when she declared that I was 'glowing'.

"Physical attention' say I, followed by "And why are you glowing'?

It turns out that she had been benefiting form some unexpected and rather enjoyed attention herself. "How lovely" say I - until I spot the pregnancy testing kit.

Which would have been normal had she not been 51 and 6 months into a menopause. Post periods or not - she has a metallic taste, off wine (unheard of) and feels 'odd'. So I refuse to leave until she completes the pregnancy test.

It was quite hysterically funny, she couldn't read the instructions properly since her eye sight is no longer what it should be. Add this to the very strong gin and you end up with a negative test result, aided in part by weeing on the plastic and completely non absorbent end of the test.

She has assured me of her intention to retest in the morning with the assistance of sobriety and daylight.

Serial Dating Disaster

A rather shocking development has occurred. This morning, without any time for rational - it crossed my mind that I had developed a tad of empathy for the Serial Dater.

I feel quite rocked. In fact, there have been a couple of times recently when I have behaved in a similar way. One was last month when the man I have been seeing admitted his utter terror of the fact that I have 4 children and that I was the absolute opposite of the woman he was going to marry. It was a meaningful conversation and we both went to bed happy, until I woke up.

This is when I sent the text that said 'Can't do this. It was nice, you are lovely but not for me. The hidden message was 'Oh God, you are going to hurt me and I need to get out of this fast, before you do' What was really disturbing is that it was uncannily similar to the text I received from the serial dater in response to my 'We need to talk' text.

So this week things took another turn and I find myself in another 'relationship' that is not as easy as it should be, and it was then that I realised that shutting your emotions down and backing out before things get complicated is very much easier. People can cause huge heartache and when they do, the pain can be unbearable. Shutting the door to protect yourself is self protection but in doing so, you shut the door on so many things and only open yourself to a self full filling phropechy of non attachment. Frankly, it all sounded quite appealing this morning.

So I mull over the many ironies in life. The first is that I realise that I do not want to be in a relationship that involves any form of commitment other than monogomy for the period that it lasts. I want no promise or thought of the future, I want no expectations for responsibility of another and at this particular time I want dinner and sleep overs with someone I like.

That is great, except the man I am dating has never been married and seems to fear that every single woman has an expectation of commitment. I really don't, which as the the word commitment appears to make his heart race for all of the wrong reasons, is quite a good thing. Or would be if it were not for the fact that his past experience has taught him otherwise and he is a bolter. The more we have to talk about it, the more my eye is on the door and the more I am thinking 'How fast can I run'

Do not get me wrong, he is so very lovely and I enjoy the time I spend with him. But I also dread the prospect that we could be immersed in deep conversations at any moment. He doesn't want meaningless anything but the minute it has meaning he sweats. If it becomes meaningless then it is not what he wants. Yet again I find myself in a no win situation.

It's really simple. I want to meet up, have fun, conversation, laughing and intimacy. I want to be excited that your text and not fearful of where your head is at. I want you to cook me dinner and then I want to go home feeling good. I want to be happy that you are too busy to call for a couple of days, not worried that you are freaking out about the meaning of it all. I want to feel like a goddess when I see you and go home to my domestic hell in peace. Do I want marriage or commitment? No because the minute you see someone every day, all of those things will evaporate.

I think I may be a man and all the men I meet are in fact, big girls. I also realised this week that men say the total opposite of what they mean. Serial Dater used to say 'I am really worried that you are going to hurt me. Roughly translated this meant "I shall screw with your head and once I am there I shall rip your soul to shreds'

This man keeps saying "I am worried I am going to hurt you" What that really means is "I am really worried that you are going to hurt me" Which I might. I wouldn't do it on purpose, nor with malice but since I have no idea what the future holds, I have no ability to make promises.

So I am now pondering the reality that I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men. So I googled and discovered that one of the reasons you can be attracted to such men is that in fact, you are an emotionally unavailable women. Woman that do not believe that love is all that it is cracked up to be, that expect disappointment and rubbish cannot be committed to a worthwhile deep and loving relationship since they do not believe they exist. In dating unemotionally available men, they prove it. I can be committed, and frankly after sticking with an emotionally disconnected man for all of my adult life, I think I should have been.

So I almost bolted again today. Perhaps I am attracted to emotionally damaged men because I am in fact as emotionally damaged myself. Perhaps the reason I understand them is because I relate to the feeling of things that seem good will never work because they 'never do'.

I don't want completely meaningless, I do want emotion and tenderness but commitment, marriage and children? When I say that I have no expectations or demands I really don't but mainly because I do not want any placed on me.

I was on the verge of a full scale bolt today but the sheer horror that I could replicate the behaviour of someone that chose to cause pain made me stop. So I may get hurt and so may he - but we may have fun and we may still like each other tomorrow.

Today, my inner man grew some balls.

Drawing the Line

I wonder if it is scientifically provable that bikini lines grow quicker when you are dating. There must be a hormone thing going on. Hormones go crazy and follicles that have lain dormant suddenly over react. Perhaps it is natures way of ensuring that you maintain everything to perfection to ensure furthercreation of the human race. Lets hope that bit doesn't work.

I once noted that transatlantic travel makes your eyebrows grow quicker.

I am never having sex on an aeroplane. I get off in New York looking like prehistoric man