At no point have I ever blamed 'he who cannot be mentioned' for the fact our relationship was co dependant and toxic. We both entered into it for our own reasons and it was doomed to fail because of it (This is not to say that I don't hold him responsible for his utter bitterness and unkindness since, because I do).
I wasn't true to myself. I shut off my emotions because his issues gave me a chance to avoid mine. I shut off emotions because I chose a man that would never be able to emotionally supportive or in tune because nothing existed outside his own issues. Thus co-dependency.
This morning I got it. I couldn't be vulnerable with my choice of husband because I had made my vulnerability something he was responsible for. In wringing it out to dry I made a connection that vulnerability is a stick someone can beat you with and therefore a bad thing. The truth is that vulnerability is part of being me and something I need to take responsibility for myself. In not allowing myself to be vulnerable, I cannot allow myself to love or be loved.
This is going to get confusing - I figured that in denying my vulnerability in the hope of not scaring someone else, I was living my life at the mercy of another person yet again. My panic response was because I was presenting with the same behaviour that I knew could only create the same pattern. Duh!
Then someone made me read the Karpman Dram Triangle - Victim, rescuer and persecutor, how we live according to a script- on the whole negative and how we basically can move from role to role.
"The covert purpose for each 'player' is to get their unspoken (and frequently unconscious) psychological wishes/needs met in a manner they feel justified, without having to acknowledge the broader dysfunction or harm done in the situation as a whole. As such, each player is acting upon their own selfish 'needs', rather than acting in a genuinely responsible or altruistic manner.
Bingo. Owning your feelings is about taking responsibility for them and not expecting others to. My issue with vulnerability is a big one. Then I realised the obvious, if I owned my own issue then I was accepting myself as I am and it is only when you do that, and accept others for who they are and not what they can give you - that you can reach acceptance and stop allowing the past to dictate the future.
Since the past was on the whole destructive and emotionally abusive, it is not a drama that I want to keep playing. So today I was honest about the feelings of panic that I had been experiencing and honest about my knee jerk reaction to risk. I was honest about the fact that if I was feeling like I could get hurt, then that meant that there was something that I was recognising as potential to feel good. Running away will not protect me. Seeing if I can get past the feelings of panic and see what happens will. Perhaps those around me will be capable of doing the same, perhaps not - but the one thing I know is that the only person responsible for my emotional well being is myself. That is not about protection, it is about honesty and respect.
When I stayed in a relationship for over 20 years, I stuck with a man that was indeed passively aggressive, he did indeed sap me of self esteem and confidence but more than that, I entered into a contract were I willingly abused myself because the only person that accepted not being myself was part of the deal, was me.
You can get to a crossroad in life and you have a choice: the route you don't know and the one that is well trodden. I the well trodden one has not been a happy one, self preservation will dictate the unknown. When I showed my softer side today (and believe me the fear nearly made me vomit) I discovered the fear of change is greater than the actual change.
I didn't vomit
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