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Monday, 25 May 2009

Too much wine again and still yet to solve the issue with the keyboard. I have things to be grateful for - the dog ate the keyboard, I posted on freecycle and a kind chap not only came up with the goods but delivered them to my house. Apparantly, I gave him a TV bracket a couple of years ago so my belief in you reap what you sow has shown some fruit. Had the dog not eaten the keyboard,  I would not felt so nice about the kind man who delivered.

Lets face it, kind men that deliver are scant at the present moment and my level of alcohol induced rambling is still at a bargain basement level. Two glasses, hardly impressive but sufficient that I can read the last blog offering and realise that no matter how bad my punctuation is; it is considerably worse after an offering of fermented grape. I can only apologise and stress that this blog has clearly become an outpouring of my mental thought process, which is a little prone to nonsensical rambling. This is fine - I do not consider it to be the genuine article and as such,  I write as I think rather than thinking what I write.

There are downsides - like meeting someone who you once shared a creative writing course with, who happens to be visiting the local area for the weekend with new hubby and friends, all writers. So not only am I seemingly happy to share part of me with people that either do not know me, or do not know me well but I also have to accept than in doing so I need to admit that more worrying than my appalling grammar and punctuation, is the fact that my need to get my words done somehow dispenses with the need. Rather like saying my desire to eat is more important than my need to have table manners. I am uncouth and lazy.

I was rubbish at creative writing. I only did the course to understand why I could not do creative writing and it is only tonight I have the answer: I am hopeless at pretending to be anything I am not. Yet at the same time I am writing a blog that presents a fraction of the reality and in so doing am presenting an image of my life that is not quite what it is. How screwed up am I?

I am realising that the image I have presented to myself of my marriage and my own life is one that I wanted to play a part in. This image was not the  reality, more of a mirage and yet I continue to do so. The lies that I have to tolerate are far deeper and more prevalent than I would ever be able to post on here and I am not entirely sure as to the reasons for my not doing so. Part of this is the children, what the wider circle know they will end up knowing and this will happen one day, just not now. The other reasons are power. So long as 'It' assumes that I am stupid, the wiser I become. I still struggle with enormity of this mans capacity to lie, his vision of fatherhood and his perception of both reality and morality - as long as he keeps digging, the longer I have to understand the true nature of this man. The further I stand back, the more clarity I get.

I need clarity. I need truth and one day, I will have both. 

So this chance meeting taught me a little more about myself and not only this, it gave great hope. I talk too much but in doing so I learn more about others. Tis' the balance. She looked fantastic - had been through a similar experience and was happily remarried. What I loved most was that she still had moments that she wanted to scream about her ex-husband.

So yes I am still comprehending the depths of this mans depravity but hey, its only been a while and I can still have moments of rage. If I felt no anger than I would have no morals. If there was no indignation,  I would feel deserving. I don't,  so the rage may simmer a while longer.

And flipping back to the superficial. May I recommend the breakfast at the castle in BoA. Very nice way of spending a morning. I fully expect a discount for recommendation and I go back to my original request for a job as a restaurant critic.

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