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Sunday, 14 April 2013

Putting on a brave facade

A man that I had considered a friend, recently sent a text telling me that he found me more attractive than he should. I was a little stunned. Particularly as we had already had a conversation on that very issue. A conversation in which I had made it perfectly clear that I was none too keen on men who created disingenuous friendships on the off chance something may occur from them.

So I didn't respond. It was awkward. Even more so when I then received a day long barrage of texts asking me to consider his unlikely scenario. I declined. Yet despite being appalled - I admired him.

It seems that all too often we play games, we mess with peoples heads - simply because we are not brave enough to be honest about how we really feel. The fear of rejection can paralyse us into not being able to reveal our true thoughts and worse still, can make us appear to want the very opposite.

I am a master of this. I would rather die in a ditch than show someone I really want, that I really want them. So I give nothing away. I play games. And all to often I play games with people who are equally incapable of revealing their true thoughts, because they have the same fear I do. So they play games.

And the reality hits that you can play those games for years. You know, deep down - that the thought process is mutual. There are always just enough signs to back up your hunch, just not quite enough to evidence to fuel sufficient confidence at making those thoughts a little clearer. And because of this - you end up committed to a very long game of emotional chess.

And what a waste. Because until one of you is brave enough to break that pattern, to be entirely honest about your inner thoughts - nothing will ever change and you will watch a thousand days of chance simply fade away.

I'd like to say I worked this out myself but I didn't. In complaining of someone elses control issues, it took a friend to point out that since I was controlling my true thoughts so much - I was equally culpable in the push pull mind game. It was a fair call.

And I do nothing about it because the fear of rejection is paralysing.

So to the man that I didn't want - I take my hat off to you for making your thoughts known. You have the kind of bravery I wish I had.



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