When it bites you from behind

Just occassionaly my veneer gets a bolt form the blue that causes so much unexpected hurt that it actually makes me want to vomit. It's an irrational response to stuff that is no longer relevent but its unaddressed. Unaddressed because I will simply never understand why anyone would want to cause someone pain.

Wouldn't life just be peachy if everyone that came into your life had integrity. It's not rocket science - the thing is that if you treat people kindly, you don't damage them. If you treat people kindly, you may hurt them but you don't mess with their head.

And yet it seems the hardest thing in the world, since on the whole - most of us walk around in denial about the impact we have on those that we meet. Perhaps if we lived in a society whhich was founded on giving rather than taking- perhaps it  would less of an issue,


I am running out of inner strength

Thank God I am not a spider

I have never really been sure if I believe in horoscopes, taking the view that you make your own future. State of mind, attitude to life, openness to people and experience must surely play a large part of the road you travel. But I'm also open minded. There are so many things that I know so little about that I believe that it is far better to be open to a wider concept than to follow the thought that if I don't believe in it, it doesn't exist.

So on the whole, I don't read horoscopes. After all, if the predictions for the coming week were accurate they would affect everyone of the same birth sign. In a small town, life would only have variation dependent of the number of star signs.

Sometime ago and perhaps I posted it on here - I completed all the relevant birth details for an online horoscope profile. The accuracy of my personal traits was quite disconcerting. I have idea as to how banging in my DOB, place of birth and exact timing would profile me in such an accurate way, but it did.

The Cancerian Crab, with an emotional shell around so hard that it takes some perseverance to get inside. Yet once penetrated, deeply loyal. One man in my life said "Hard as nails on the outside but  marshmallow inside" This statement made before extra few pounds were added and the outside became more like a marshmallow too. Ironic that he spent month bashing down barriers until I finally said I cared. At that point he had to be attached to an ECG machine. Not an experience that encourages one to be forth coming.

But it's a fair point.

I had supper with a friend on Friday evening and we had a long conversation on the very matter. Unable to see how I could be seen as hard, she made the fatal mistake of being really, really lovely. So I cried. On the positive side, the waiter was so alarmed he didn't advise me of the option for tipping, so it was a cheaper night than planned.

I don't like being vulnerable, if I let my guard down and think someone may hurt me, I'll retreat faster than you can blink. It's not a good thing. If I get hurt, I would rather chew my toenails than admit it. I spend a lot more time than is necessary assuming I need to outwit people. Its limiting.

I blame me. I'm perfectly normal with men that don't interest me. With men that cause an eyebrow to raise in interest (not a common occurrence) the defences go up, which really is the opposite of what should happen. It's tricky.

Clearly a crab. Thank god I'm not a black widow spider

Paralysed with guilt

Ten days ago, a teenager I refer to as my half child was seriously injured in a car crash. The child of a friend who had died and life long chum to my own son - he has, over the years been very much part of the furniture.

Now he has spinal injuries. Whether he will ever walk again is unknown and whilst he lies in a hospital bed pondering what the future may be, there is another teenager who also had his whole life turned upside down that night. For him, there is physical proof of the acute pain he will be in.

And that is the driver. A boy who having only driven for a month, miraculously walked away without injury. Except this poor child, through no fault on his part lost control of the car in horrendous weather conditions. Perhaps another 20 years driving experience may have made the difference, perhaps if they had left an hour earlier, taken the first right, driven 1mph slower, perhaps if he had done all of this and more - the crash wouldn't have happened.

But the crash did happen and no matter how much he relives the accident in his head, nothing can change the events of that night. This boy, a mere 18 years old himself, has just had his innocence ripped from him and though reassured by others that no one places any blame at his door, will be suffering the kind of soul destroying guilt that most of us are lucky never to experience.

How could it possibly feel to be the driver of a car in which one of your best friends is potentially paralysed. How could you carry on with your venture into adulthood, maintain that spring in your step, hold onto the kind of wide eyed optimism that you have at 18?

When someone you care about is hurt or killed in an accident, it is human nature to question 'Why them and not me?" When you were involved in the cause and are just 18, this is the kind of accident that can leave the most monumental psychological scar. You can be certain that this boy is not thinking as the rest of us are "Thank god none of the others were hurt. Frankly, much better one seriously injured teenager than three. It sounds harsh but in a car crash involving teenagers there really is a worse case scenario.

I cry when I think of the half child but take positivity from each and every tiny sign of progress, from the support he has from family and friends to the staff around him. I have confidence that he will receive the best level not just because of the extent of his injury but because when you meet him, you cannot fail but to adore him,

As for the boy driving, I know that it's frequently the unseen things that cause the biggest harm.  My heart breaks for him.

Life is harsh