I seem to be storing fat deposits, which is odd - since I am not pregnant.
And so I went off to TK Maxx in a bid to rid myself of the horror of it all by the purchase of new shoes.
Whilst new shoes were purchased, they did little to alleviate the horror of having flesh that is ....fleshy.
I have never worried about my weight and even now, what the scales say- should I stand on them, doesn't bother me in the slightest. But fleshy bits are simply too much to deal with. When I stood in the changing rooms and tried on my normal size 6 jeans, I looked like a someone had tried to squeeze a water snake though and empty loo roll. Just to confirm my worst fears, I slapped my bottom and I saw movement.
That caused the kind of reaction that TK Maxx did very well out of.
Yet for the first time ever, I actually look female, with proper hips and a waist - but only from a distance. Close up and I'd be concerned that should you stand next to me in a typhoon, you may be physically harmed. To add to my own revulsion and confirm the horror of the situation, I stuck my fingers into the flesh at the back of my waist and lost sight of my finger nail.
This is a new one for me. I have never put on sufficient weight to cause concern, never dieted - but this weight gain would take a level of acceptance that I am not ready to deal with. When I stand straight I want to hear a snapping sound, not an aftershock.
So there was only one sensible reaction and it was not buying larger clothes. It was the purchase of an exceptionally tight dress and an exercise device that judging by the picture of the man on the front, is rather good at causing bodily tautness.
I shall hang the dress in the snug as an incentive to stomach crunch my way back to stick instectdom. It will be an incentive, since I would rather massage a mans toes than be seen in public with a dress that is that figure hugging. Anyone who knows my aversion to the male big toe - will understand the gravity of that declaration.
And I know with certainty that my friends consider my revulsion at the fleshy bits to be verging on insanity but I say this: without my superficiality, my wardrobe and my shoe collection - where would you gain your entertainment.
Count this as my public duty