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Saturday, 27 December 2008

I am a single mother. 'It' left yesterday. It was most fortunate that I called into my parents on the way home, as that is where I found 3 of my children and a message relayed from Mother to say, 'Your husband has left you and your children are here'.

Apparantly he told the children he wanted to wait until after Christmas. I am not sure Boxing Day really constitutes after Christmas, and am not entirely certain that splitting up with your wife by waiting until she is at work - and telling the children first - is necessarily the most measured way of proceeding.

Let me explain depression. 33% of people get it once and never again. 33% get it again, but actively take the steps needed to fight it and regain their life. There is sadly an unhealthy amount that will fail to take these steps and simply allow themselves to be consummed by their own misery.

Depressed people do not see anything outside their own world and everything relates to them. Depressed people that will not acknowledge the problem or the effect it has on those around. Depressed people, incapable or recognising the emotions of others and unwilling to accept their own depression will blame everyone and everything for their own happiness - presumably as it is easier than having to take the monumental effort to get better.

'It' read the blog. He told the Teenager that I had said things that were unforgivable. He told this child that nothing he did was ever good enough and then he left. Clearly the writing of this blog is not the cause for someone to leave. Nor is it the reason anyone would dump that on their children without warning, cancelling their Grandparents visit for that day - particulary when the wife that they are leaving, is at work all weekend and has no childcare. The reason is because we have no communication. incapable of dealing with conversation, he avoids at all cost. Challenged, he is defensive and aggressive and then sulks so that you dare not question him again. Eventually a cup of tea will be offered and we all get on the merry-go-round again. 

I suspect that he has no idea how passively aggressive he is, is not malicious but he is quietly not answerable to anyone. The capacity for non communication, quiet rebellion and refusal for emotional involvement, aided by depression makes for any partner either losing their mind or being sucked dry. I dipped my toe into the former and settle with the latter

You cannot solve severe problems of a marriage without communication with a cup of tea, nor can you all pretend depression is not there, simply because someone can keep up the effort of pretending for a couple of hours. Yes, he may well feel that nothing he does is good enough but when you live with depression your family has to survive without you and when you no longer feel that you have a place - you need to understand how things ended up like that.

So yesterday was surreal. Just to make sure I really got the message - he even took my Christmas present -  I am not really sure that I understand how anyone having made the decision to leave their wife of 20 years - that taking an unopened present would even cross your mind. Frankly, who would care.

What I do care about is that when I look at my husband, I recognise nothing about him. So different from the person I once knew and so surrounded by an air of misery that whilst I know that at this stage, I have no idea how I shall cope raising 4 children by myself - that the man that exists today is not one I shall miss. I only hope that memory will smile fondly on the one that I once knew. 

I pray that for the sake of my children's sanity, this it be an amicable split - but suspect, that his inability to express real emotion will prevent it.  Yesterdays example of 'How to leave your wife' bodes badly and I suspect a rocky road ahead.

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