The recovery from toxicity

I am a divorced woman.

And so it was that I was inundated by texts wishing congratulations. Very nice they were too. The man that I am dating but not in a 'relationship' with sent a particularly nice one advising to hold onto that feeling of freedom, since it was somthing I had worked towards. He was right, except that feeling of freedom was about not being controlled. When I got the Decree absolute I realised that control doesn't actually exist. It is not inanimate, no more than a feeling, no more than what you allow someone else, or some fear in you to do.

Tonight I was summoned to the pub by a handful of friends to celebrate the legal end to being married. A worthy cause. Earlier in the day I had advised the man that I am no longer married to that we are no longer married. I invited him out for a drink to celebrate. Everyone things once again that I am nuts but frankly - I walked up the aisle with the man and since we did not want to stay married, I feel it befitting that we should end it in a slightly more discreet form of celebration. I could, I suppose wear my wedding dress.Now that would be nuts. Still, I think a final 'Yeahhhhhh' drink together the way to end things.

It was ironic that in celebrating my new start that the pub should also contain the serial dater. There I was charting the beginning of the fun in life when I have to sit in the same room with a man that was my first introduction to single life. Should I have allowed myself to have seen normal behaviour as this, I would never have dated again.

Still, I must remain honest. I still feel some chemistry. Not a sexual, I want to sleep with you chemistry, more of 'still a little in my head' chemistry. Which is doubly ironic since I am still not sure which was the real man. There is still the one that thinks himself to be a real catch, arrogant in body language, cocky in behaviour but perhaps more than that, the reality that deep down, he questions all of that.

Facade. There is no selection process to the daily contact with women - simply an addiction to women to provide the adulation that he needs to feel okay. There is still something unresolved. And I am fine with that. It is no more than an unhealthy fix. I am not the type to feed that kind of addiction.

It caused a host of mixed emotion tonight. The man I am seeing but not in a 'relationship' with, I utterly adore. No matter how much I have tried to feel nothing (and I have) he becomes a little more gorgeous every time I see him. It is a very slow non relationship and frankly, just what I need. So it upset me that I could feel so much for such a gentle soul, such a gorgeous man. No matter his or my issues he deals with them. I want to bolt, he has me sussed. He panics, he tells me. I get on with my life, he gets on with his. If I see him in the street, I see his face and I know that this is an interesting time. If I stay, he makes me laugh like no one else ever has. He has met my children, some of my friends, I have met some of his. All without pressure, all without expectation and labelling. All just the way this needs to be.

So this evening perplexed me. It was not resolved in my head, perhaps it will never be. Serial dater is never going to be the man that I thought he was. Serial dater is never going to be the man he thinks he is. All because he cannot face himself.

So I spoke to him tonight. I asked him if in the wake of a new year we could at least attempt to be civil to each other. He really had no choice but to say yes in public. I spoke to him tonight since I have recognise that facing things makes them less than they are.

The man I am not in a relationship wanted to know about the serial dater recently. He knew who he was since a friend had shared the local grapevine with him. "Do you always fall in love with men straight away?" he asked

"No" I replied "I thought you were an arrogant prig when I first met you"

And here in lies the difference. Last year I fell in love with potential. Ths year, I have the potential to fall in love.

Choice is in the bag