The road to nowhere...

I woke this morning this morning to find myself being gazed at lovingly by the most beautiful being. He is 6.

"I love you Mummy" He say's

"I love you too" Say I.

Then he say's

"I saw a cream on the television that gets rid of wrinkle, bumps and dry area"

Such a lovely start to the day.

We chatted last night about stuff. They were away this weekend and when I spoke to them it was clear that 'stuff' was bothering. It would appear that this child is living under false hope that 'It" and I could get back together or even, shortly after the frozen lakes of hell, get remarried after the divorce is finalised.

"Sweet Pea, that is never going to happen" Say I.

"Perhaps's Daddy will get better" say's he

"Better at what?" I ask, wondering if he too had been considering the markers for social communication disorders.

"Better at liking you" say's small child. "Maybe if he could start liking you again you could be remarried.

Such a tricky one. It's times like these when you so desperately want to say what you really think. Instead, I smile sweetly and point out that I do not want to get remarried to Daddy and even if Daddy 'got better' and could be nice the only pre curser to a proposal would have to be a frontal lobotomy (I didn't tell him that bit). I think this may take some time. It takes children a long, long time to adjust to things.

Middle child was telling me that the girlfriend told of her adventure trotting past the house, turning around and trotting back. Apparently, she trotted past the house, turned around and trotted back. Since we already knew that, I am not sure how much more exciting the tale could be. Apparently the need to turn around and trot back past the house was because it was a road with cars on. Indeed it is - it's the quiet one you can only get to after riding on roads with cars on. Duh...

If there is anything you learn from children that you can only learn from having children, is that they are, in many ways - more perceptive, astute and intelligent that most adults. Some of those skills are naturally fine tuned and actually diminish with age. All hidden behind innocent little smiles.

Never underestimate a child and never assume anything

I am going to a car boot sale to wade through over peoples discarded lives. It's a liberating experience.

Thoughts of the Day

First thought of the day - Divorce - Bored of it all. The sooner it is all over the better.

What I am finding really frustrating is the fact that I am restricted in writing what I really want to write. What I really want to write would be in my own apparently not amusing way and as such, far more interesting. I am having to save all fodder for future publication. Frustrating but I can wait. Furthermore, all characters will have their own nickname, appointed by me.

This future publishing will include all details of the last few months, including the sweat meister who, despite my best efforts - I still think rather fondly of. I remain unable to write about this episode. I feel it only fair to offer sufficient period in allowing him to offer some indication he is in fact the person I think that he is, currently buried deep within and appears for the odd brief excursion. Since I don't give up loyalty easily, I have to be sure I am wrong before I can be right. Should he fail to do so, he will be fair game.

In fact all have been plotted. All get a fair shot of amnesty and if nothing changes in convincing me otherwise, I can safely assume that I shall be attending my own premier in five years time.

Second thought of the Day - I am wondering how long it takes for knee and shins to recover from shock of falling off 4 inch heels. Now on day 6 and there is no sign of abatement. If I am forced to wear flat shoes all summer I may get mistaken for road bollard.

Third thought of the Day - In my 'lets reframe everything that's not great' way. I have reframed periods. Since there is little I can do to avoid them, reframing is the best approach. When you have a period, you can eat what you like since you loose 2lbs in sweat each night. Your breasts get bigger. The later works better for me.


Fourth thought of the Day
Is 28 too young? 'What was that you said'? I cannot hear you. Fingers in ears. I gave it due consideration. I so wish I could do inappropriate with ease. Maybe next year.

Fifth thought of the Day Can someone send me on a good client management course or should I just invest in a digger and concrete. I am working on my charismatic side.

Sixth thought of the Day I can now say 'absolutely' a lot, with no sense of being my own parody. I am not clear yet as to whether this is a good thing.

Not my most profound day

Reeding and Ryting

Last week a friend receive a letter from school to saying that her child need extra helps with literacy.

There were 3 grammatical errors in the first paragraph.

Perfect.

Breathing deeply and sweating

There are many moments when you realise that filing for divorce was the right thing to do and none more so when you get a glimpses of the other sides form E. It becomes even clearer to insight of the tactics that are deployed

Least important but one of the most galling is the value of a watch. Yes, it really does come to this. Three years ago it was 'It's' 40th birthday. The one thing he had always wanted was a Tag Heure watch. For an entire year I bought and sold things until I had earned enough to buy him his hearts desire - a 2.5k Tag watch.

So in the form E he has gone to the trouble of finding someone that sold a somewhat scratched one ridiculously cheap on Ebay to present how 'little' his watch is worth.

I have often queried on this blog how people live with their conscience. Obviously the answer is quite easily. I can only assume it was a result of his request to have my wedding and engagement ring ring included in the chattels. Sadly, they were too cheap.

I am going to breathing very deeply and once that works, I am going to rise above such behaviour, knowing that I have never been more certain that I could have been so wrong about anyone.

Then I shall finish my Guidebook for Men on how to Divorce with Dignity. I fear it unlikely to be a best seller.

Note to myself - No involvement with men who:

1) cannot be verified by ex-wives.
2) men that seek to spend more in divorce than they are likely to gain
3) men that do not speak to their ex wives and cannot look them in the eye
4) men that do not have full involvement in their childrens lives
5) men that fail to acknowledge any role they play


I will only be involving myself with men that

1) Speak to their ex wifes, begrudgingly maybe but with friendliness in front of children
2) That respect their ex wifes
3) Men that have high sex drives
3) Men that the words 'sorry' and 'talk to me' and 'get your arse over here' are second nature
4) Men that sweat a lot on specific physical exertion
5) Men that make me sweat
6) Men that know what women want and know how to give it.
7) Men that are sexually comfortable, confident and just plain good

Obviously, I have added no 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 as benefits to my new choice system.

These are the added advantages.

Getting your garden in order

Still ill. Frankly my stomach has been so painful for the last two days, I have had to consider that I may in fact be in labour. No baby so far, which can only be a good thing.

Two odd things happened in this time. The children and I found a DVD of a garden makeover that was completed on the house a few years ago. It was most peculiar watching it and seeing the 'family' as a whole. Mummy, Daddy, 4 children, beautiful children, beautiful garden and immaculate house.

So different from now. Single parent family, still beautiful children, annihilated garden and house that looks is anything but immaculate. It must have been even more peculiar for the children.

It struck me once more that the sadness in ugly divorce is not the divorce but the ugliness in it. In my normal world, 'Daddy' should be able to come into the house and say hello to the children that live in it. 'Daddy' should be able to have a cup of tea so that children see that people move on and life goes on in an as normal way as possible. It seems normality is far from reality.

What struck me watching 'It' on the big screen was the sadness of it all. Not that I am seeking divorce but sadness that he is very far from a place where normality can exist and even further from a place in which he can look me in the eye. For all the unhappiness that existed in this marriage there was clearly a period that we shared in which we loved each other enough to stick with it. From knowing each other since childhood, to going through adulthood together and to having children - I cannot regret what has been since they were choices I made, without which I would not be where I am now. Because of these factors, I will never hate him, I may not like the way in which he has behaved, I may not respect his inability to deal with divorce with civility and kindness but I have never hated anyone in my life and I doubt I will start with the man my children call Dad.

I do not want him back and nor does he want to be here - which should make this situation relatively easy but instead, it appears to be the opposite. So yes, I feel sad because the way this has unfolded is not the way in which has been good for anyone involved. Last week one of the children's friends asked in the playground why the boy's mother and father never speak. When I find out, I shall pass the wisdom on.

I had a conversation with a close friend today who is a little more than unhappy. I pointed out that the road to happiness is not an easy one but ultimately worthwhile. I told her that I think that 'It' did absolutely the right thing to leave and I probably would never had had the strength to do it myself, but what had caused the pain was the betrayal, the way in which he did it and the animosity that he cannot let go of. Divorce is not an issue, the way in which people handle it will have far more impact on your life and your children's emotional well being than a decree absolute could ever achieve.

So today we were sitting in the garden talking about 'stuff. Closest friend, older children and I, when who should come up past the house but 'It's' girlfriend. Since she recently moved her horse to a much closer vicinity, I had wondered how long it would take. Apparently not long.

Now I could not possibly say for certain that she was riding by with intent but it does look a trifle odd when someone rides slowly, in the middle of the road towards the house and then speeds up past the garden when they realise someone has said "Is that 'It's' girlfriend"?.

It look even more peculiar when they go further down the road, turn around and trot past at speed. If it had been me, I think I may have been inclined towards speed at that point too. Frankly, if it had been me - I would probably not have chosen to ride past my partners wife's house at all, unless I knew I could get away with only going past once and not look like I was doing it on purpose.

Sadly, said loyal friend made a facetious comment which simply proved the theory that she certainly knew which house she was going past. If someone called out when you were going past, normal response would be to say "I am sorry, did you call me?". Leaving the scene as quickly as possible does little to indicate coincidence.

Such an odd thing to do. I have absolutely no idea what was to be achieve by such a thing and it has not particularly improved the views of older son. Since I invited her to converse some time ago and since I have absolutely no desire to place any claim on her partner, I would be fascinated to discover the reason for her excursion.

Perhaps she wanted to see if I really do have horns. Perhaps she wanted to gleam some insight into why her partner cannot be happy with moving on, despite me suggesting many times that this would be the healthy choice. Perhaps she is insecure. No need my dear, I am happy for you both. If she managed to work all that out by riding up to look at the house, she is more than welcome to swing by and let me know.

I won't put the kettle on just yet.

If you don't get me, you won't get me

I am ill.

I have been thinking about safe and lovely. I have decided that I do not need safe and lovely. I would be bored. Since I have no need to be with anyone, I have no need for safe and lovely. Taking advantage of the safe and lovely situation would make it not safe and lovely for the other party, and then I would feel bad. As precaution I shall restrict intake of white wine soda.

This thought process has seen a lot of eye rolling in the friend camp. They all think I am insane. Since my thought process has always been a little of kilter to the masses, I am not entirely sure what they are surprised about. I understand what they mean about safe but I never want to spend another day looking out the window and asking "is this my life" It's not a place I am ever prepared to revisit.

It is all so simple in my head. If you don't get me, you won't get me.

Frankly, at this stage, I do not understand why anyone would want me to compromise. The men that I have come across that have made me stand still in my tracks are few and far between and years later, I am still friends with them. This tells me two things: firstly, the men that stop me in my tracks are exceptionally rare and secondly, my judgement is clearly not based on chemistry alone.

Reports on the NLP are all good. Apparently I have changed. This can be no bad thing. I am now climbing up the confidence ladder, talking less and more able to whip arse.

And with that, I am going to vomit

DIY and balls

I went to the DIY shop with a man yesterday. Always great company but you can tell so much about someone in the way they shop. Sadly I am on red alert to all possible warning signs. Do not purchase a hat.

You go in for two things. You get one. Is this a waste of a trip or are you pleased that you got one item. It always goes back to glass half full or empty. I publicly state that I will never again live with someone with pessimistic tendency. Whilst over exuberant optimism would be draining - positive realism is good.

I was up early yesterday in a bid to reclaim my eyebrows. By 10am we were in Barton Farm in BOA to view the local triathlon event. Perfect morning, beautiful sunshine, soft grass and watching fit and healthy men jump up and down in sport wear. All without lifting a finger.

By 12, I was back at home wondering about gardening. The garden is barren, finances are not extending to lush fauna and the sheer day to day of life has excluded adequate time for such activity. As a result, the garden is looking dire. I stood and started, and stared some more. There was only one thing to do and it came in the shape of a bikini. The garden still looks awful but I feel so much more relaxed

Swimming party in the afternoon and so DIY trip man and I went to the Bath Cricket club for a drink. It was supposed to be a relaxing affair, watching the bating but I spotted the pool table. Sad, I know. Picked up boys and rounded off day with a somewhat aggressive round of tennis on DIY trip mans lawn. I think I must avoid such sport as I clearly have a very competitive trait simmering underneath, In a bid to annihilate DIY trip man, I accidentally smashed the racket on top of the head of one child and scored an ace in the groin of another. Fortunately, they still love me.

I have been challenged to a proper game. Things could get aggressive