Whilst I know that there are more important things in life than high heels, I know that my passion for them is entirely superficial and that in the great scheme of life, they are irrelevant - no matter how irrelevent - I love them.
High heels to me are like Prozac to others. No matter how taxing life is, it seems utterly bearable in 5 inch heels. Life on the flat is frankly, dull.
Weekend four of flats and I find myself cleaning the car. It was like being married. So utterly mind blowingly, arse achingly dull - that if I even considered whether I should embrace impending doom and go to the garden centre. I choose Life and jet washed the wheel arches instead.
Then it struck me how easy it is to give up life in a marriage. Before you know it, you are living a life of humdrum, jut because slipping into parody mode is all to simple one in the years following the trip up the aisle.
If I have to cosign myself to anymore of my life slipping into a role that I feel that I am supposed to slip into, then take me forest way and dart me.
I miss my heels. I simply like the new perspective they have given me.
I felt a little guilty today. Perhaps I had proven the thoughts of others by shutting a door firmly shut. I have been fighting the feeling of mild guilt all day.
I think healthy is when you don't have to to leave the door ajar but someone chooses to break it down. Who knows but I suspect that I am a perplexing individual.
Short, but perplexing
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Saturday, 12 March 2011
Waynes World
Somebody wrote an amazing comment today. I won't publish it because it was personal to them and so long in it's wisdom that it was almost a blog in itself.
In essence, I guess it was saying that there are some things that you can change, some things you can't and some things you can worry about and shouldn't.
I am no longer dating anyone. I have learnt that you can only ever really date in the present, you cannot predict the future and you living entirely in the past is a particularly bad idea. What you cannot do is persuade anyone else to be in the present with you. People's pasts can dictate their present, sucking them into a whirlpool of self fulfilling behaviour.
I feel saddened but I am not broken. I finally see that these are not my issues, they are not a reflection of me, Perhaps in some peculiar way I should be flattered. A relationship that reached the stage where the barriers were sufficiently lowered to let in pain before fear took over. Perhaps I shall ponder.
The universal truth is acceptance. To accept yourself dispenses with so much angst. You meet someone, you like them, do they like you? You text someone, they text you, do you text back, will you appear to keen - so it goes on. 'Tis all about being accepted and yet the one thing we rarely do is have emotional honesty. We rarely admit our deepest needs.
This is far more so for men. Hidden behind a mask of masculine armour, it is far harder for men to admit they crave emotional intimacy. Far easier to man it up, to face the world as strong. Yet I think men consider as much as women, they worry as much about rejection, if not more than women. They worry about getting their needs met at he same time as meeting the needs of a woman in a way that completely fits in with their 'man code' Men do all the same things as women, just in a different way.Men do not sit there and analyse with their friends the way in which women do, it stays in their head. Emotionally damaged, immature, whatever word you use, men do not unpick their behaviour, they go on gut instinct. If causes anxiety, get rid the problem.
I did a good job this time of recognising what I do and do not need. Whether I shall ever come across it I have no idea. The future is the one thing I will never be able to predict. Yet I see a pattern. I meet people, I get to know them, I love them - this can be friends, lovers, marriage it makes little difference. Then, they cannot face me, simply cannot look me in the eye.
It causes me an immense sadness and confusion. I no longer tie it in with my ego and damage myself, since I know that is not from any action I have chosen. It is simply something in me, that makes some people see something in themselves that they are not strong enough to accept.
It is not until you accept that you can ever be truly loved. Intimacy is about revealing the true you, bit by bit, piece by piece.
Someone in town told me the other day that you never really understand yourself until you understand how you are perceived by others. I am well aware of how people assume my confidence. And to a degree I am. I am now okay with myself and accept the fears that I have, I accept that I choose men that cannot allow to much emotional connection because I am simply terrified of the concept of safe, intimate emotionally connected love because I do not really believe it exists.
Only this time I saw a glimmer of it, I felt female and I liked it.
But sometimes, I feel saddened that someone elses deep emotional fear prevents them attaining honest, deep meaningful and non dependent love, because their fear means another door shuts in my heart.
I will never regret the men I fall in love with. I have learnt something about people and about myself from every single person in my life. Those people become part of you.
Life is very short, it can change in an instant.
The only moment you can live in, is the one you are living in now.
In essence, I guess it was saying that there are some things that you can change, some things you can't and some things you can worry about and shouldn't.
I am no longer dating anyone. I have learnt that you can only ever really date in the present, you cannot predict the future and you living entirely in the past is a particularly bad idea. What you cannot do is persuade anyone else to be in the present with you. People's pasts can dictate their present, sucking them into a whirlpool of self fulfilling behaviour.
I feel saddened but I am not broken. I finally see that these are not my issues, they are not a reflection of me, Perhaps in some peculiar way I should be flattered. A relationship that reached the stage where the barriers were sufficiently lowered to let in pain before fear took over. Perhaps I shall ponder.
The universal truth is acceptance. To accept yourself dispenses with so much angst. You meet someone, you like them, do they like you? You text someone, they text you, do you text back, will you appear to keen - so it goes on. 'Tis all about being accepted and yet the one thing we rarely do is have emotional honesty. We rarely admit our deepest needs.
This is far more so for men. Hidden behind a mask of masculine armour, it is far harder for men to admit they crave emotional intimacy. Far easier to man it up, to face the world as strong. Yet I think men consider as much as women, they worry as much about rejection, if not more than women. They worry about getting their needs met at he same time as meeting the needs of a woman in a way that completely fits in with their 'man code' Men do all the same things as women, just in a different way.Men do not sit there and analyse with their friends the way in which women do, it stays in their head. Emotionally damaged, immature, whatever word you use, men do not unpick their behaviour, they go on gut instinct. If causes anxiety, get rid the problem.
I did a good job this time of recognising what I do and do not need. Whether I shall ever come across it I have no idea. The future is the one thing I will never be able to predict. Yet I see a pattern. I meet people, I get to know them, I love them - this can be friends, lovers, marriage it makes little difference. Then, they cannot face me, simply cannot look me in the eye.
It causes me an immense sadness and confusion. I no longer tie it in with my ego and damage myself, since I know that is not from any action I have chosen. It is simply something in me, that makes some people see something in themselves that they are not strong enough to accept.
It is not until you accept that you can ever be truly loved. Intimacy is about revealing the true you, bit by bit, piece by piece.
Someone in town told me the other day that you never really understand yourself until you understand how you are perceived by others. I am well aware of how people assume my confidence. And to a degree I am. I am now okay with myself and accept the fears that I have, I accept that I choose men that cannot allow to much emotional connection because I am simply terrified of the concept of safe, intimate emotionally connected love because I do not really believe it exists.
Only this time I saw a glimmer of it, I felt female and I liked it.
But sometimes, I feel saddened that someone elses deep emotional fear prevents them attaining honest, deep meaningful and non dependent love, because their fear means another door shuts in my heart.
I will never regret the men I fall in love with. I have learnt something about people and about myself from every single person in my life. Those people become part of you.
Life is very short, it can change in an instant.
The only moment you can live in, is the one you are living in now.
Monday, 7 March 2011
Synchronised breathing
I am disovering things.
Sorting your own crap only works if others sort theirs out too. This takes the kind of synchronicity rarely seen in modern life and one which I keep missing.
Breathing very, very deeply.
Sometimes things turn out the way that you expected but not the way you hoped. It hurts, but one needs to take the view that in when you take a stand against expectation and go with opportunity - that no matter how painful, you will learn so much on the way.
Still, the ability to wear high heels would help a lot right now.
Sorting your own crap only works if others sort theirs out too. This takes the kind of synchronicity rarely seen in modern life and one which I keep missing.
Breathing very, very deeply.
Sometimes things turn out the way that you expected but not the way you hoped. It hurts, but one needs to take the view that in when you take a stand against expectation and go with opportunity - that no matter how painful, you will learn so much on the way.
Still, the ability to wear high heels would help a lot right now.
Saturday, 26 February 2011
I am not a man, I am a coffee table
I am procrastinating. I have decided to write something else and am midst outline. I am also a procrastinator and so I am writing on here.
I am in severe pain.
One of the most enlightening and pleasing things I have learnt in the last few months is that I am female. I spent some time with someone who is clearly masculine and it finally dawned on me that I am not equal to a man, I am different. Allowing for that difference and embracing it is is really quite a charming place to be. Masculinity it turns out is really very....attractive. I have loved it. It makes no less of me and in fact makes me more complete.
Except there is still the issue of my androgynous quality. Sometimes, just sometimes - in the midst of my new found female side, my inner male appears - as if from nowhere. In a moment of sheer stupidity and in a bout of tom foolery, I thought I would challenge a male with brute force. I lost. Not only did I resort to begging for mercy, I tore my meniscus.
Now I am facing potentially another knee operation and on top of that, have been banned from wearing high heels. This is a profoundly troubling ban. I have never purchased flat shoes in my life. I will have to spend the next few weeks being mistaken for a coffee table.
Repeat after myself: I am not a man, I am not a man, I am not a man.
I am in severe pain.
One of the most enlightening and pleasing things I have learnt in the last few months is that I am female. I spent some time with someone who is clearly masculine and it finally dawned on me that I am not equal to a man, I am different. Allowing for that difference and embracing it is is really quite a charming place to be. Masculinity it turns out is really very....attractive. I have loved it. It makes no less of me and in fact makes me more complete.
Except there is still the issue of my androgynous quality. Sometimes, just sometimes - in the midst of my new found female side, my inner male appears - as if from nowhere. In a moment of sheer stupidity and in a bout of tom foolery, I thought I would challenge a male with brute force. I lost. Not only did I resort to begging for mercy, I tore my meniscus.
Now I am facing potentially another knee operation and on top of that, have been banned from wearing high heels. This is a profoundly troubling ban. I have never purchased flat shoes in my life. I will have to spend the next few weeks being mistaken for a coffee table.
Repeat after myself: I am not a man, I am not a man, I am not a man.
Respect is a matter of ego
Its been an interesting period. I have indeed find myself a magnate to men with emotional baggage. Or perhaps they are a magnet to me. Still, for everything that cause a thought process there is a lesson to be learnt.
I have learnt this. Peope have very specific ideas on what is the 'proper' way to behave and on the whole I struggle to agree that people should adhere to them. In dating - if a man does not respond immediately to texts or does not call for three days, he is no good and not treating me with respect.
Bollocks. I am 42, I have no idea what I want from my life and certainly have no idea about what I want from a relationship. I love the benefits of that unknown, the cooked breakfast, the witty conversations, my utter confusion over the concept of knowing the future, fantastic sex and beautiful bodies - but I am not the same persoon I was two years ago and if I need to be validated by someone calling me to do so - then I have a problem.
I figure this - I am just fine as I am. I no doubt have much to learn and am certain of a perpetual evolution until the day I sit in a carehome and shriek "I get it" through my toothless mouth. Until then, commitment phobic men, emotionally confused - whatever it is - it is their issue and not one I will ever need to take responsibility for, nor ones that I shall ever again see as a reflection of my worth. Compassion is so much more beautiful than responsibility. If there is one thing I can be certain of, it is that I will never again be in a co-dependant relationship.
Last week, I found myself in a situation in which I was gaining much pleasure. I gained it because it was simply pleasureable and NOT because I needed to give someone pleasure. I just gained it. As a result of that, the other person gained a lot of pleasure and that in turn, increased mine.
I think it may have been the only moment in which I have ever experienced true pleasure with no need, worry, validation required on either side. No ego involved.
The ego has a lot to answer for. When you need people to validate your existance, your ego has taken over.
I have learnt this. Peope have very specific ideas on what is the 'proper' way to behave and on the whole I struggle to agree that people should adhere to them. In dating - if a man does not respond immediately to texts or does not call for three days, he is no good and not treating me with respect.
Bollocks. I am 42, I have no idea what I want from my life and certainly have no idea about what I want from a relationship. I love the benefits of that unknown, the cooked breakfast, the witty conversations, my utter confusion over the concept of knowing the future, fantastic sex and beautiful bodies - but I am not the same persoon I was two years ago and if I need to be validated by someone calling me to do so - then I have a problem.
I figure this - I am just fine as I am. I no doubt have much to learn and am certain of a perpetual evolution until the day I sit in a carehome and shriek "I get it" through my toothless mouth. Until then, commitment phobic men, emotionally confused - whatever it is - it is their issue and not one I will ever need to take responsibility for, nor ones that I shall ever again see as a reflection of my worth. Compassion is so much more beautiful than responsibility. If there is one thing I can be certain of, it is that I will never again be in a co-dependant relationship.
Last week, I found myself in a situation in which I was gaining much pleasure. I gained it because it was simply pleasureable and NOT because I needed to give someone pleasure. I just gained it. As a result of that, the other person gained a lot of pleasure and that in turn, increased mine.
I think it may have been the only moment in which I have ever experienced true pleasure with no need, worry, validation required on either side. No ego involved.
The ego has a lot to answer for. When you need people to validate your existance, your ego has taken over.
Tuesday, 14 December 2010
The recovery from toxicity
I am a divorced woman.
And so it was that I was inundated by texts wishing congratulations. Very nice they were too. The man that I am dating but not in a 'relationship' with sent a particularly nice one advising to hold onto that feeling of freedom, since it was somthing I had worked towards. He was right, except that feeling of freedom was about not being controlled. When I got the Decree absolute I realised that control doesn't actually exist. It is not inanimate, no more than a feeling, no more than what you allow someone else, or some fear in you to do.
Tonight I was summoned to the pub by a handful of friends to celebrate the legal end to being married. A worthy cause. Earlier in the day I had advised the man that I am no longer married to that we are no longer married. I invited him out for a drink to celebrate. Everyone things once again that I am nuts but frankly - I walked up the aisle with the man and since we did not want to stay married, I feel it befitting that we should end it in a slightly more discreet form of celebration. I could, I suppose wear my wedding dress.Now that would be nuts. Still, I think a final 'Yeahhhhhh' drink together the way to end things.
It was ironic that in celebrating my new start that the pub should also contain the serial dater. There I was charting the beginning of the fun in life when I have to sit in the same room with a man that was my first introduction to single life. Should I have allowed myself to have seen normal behaviour as this, I would never have dated again.
Still, I must remain honest. I still feel some chemistry. Not a sexual, I want to sleep with you chemistry, more of 'still a little in my head' chemistry. Which is doubly ironic since I am still not sure which was the real man. There is still the one that thinks himself to be a real catch, arrogant in body language, cocky in behaviour but perhaps more than that, the reality that deep down, he questions all of that.
Facade. There is no selection process to the daily contact with women - simply an addiction to women to provide the adulation that he needs to feel okay. There is still something unresolved. And I am fine with that. It is no more than an unhealthy fix. I am not the type to feed that kind of addiction.
It caused a host of mixed emotion tonight. The man I am seeing but not in a 'relationship' with, I utterly adore. No matter how much I have tried to feel nothing (and I have) he becomes a little more gorgeous every time I see him. It is a very slow non relationship and frankly, just what I need. So it upset me that I could feel so much for such a gentle soul, such a gorgeous man. No matter his or my issues he deals with them. I want to bolt, he has me sussed. He panics, he tells me. I get on with my life, he gets on with his. If I see him in the street, I see his face and I know that this is an interesting time. If I stay, he makes me laugh like no one else ever has. He has met my children, some of my friends, I have met some of his. All without pressure, all without expectation and labelling. All just the way this needs to be.
So this evening perplexed me. It was not resolved in my head, perhaps it will never be. Serial dater is never going to be the man that I thought he was. Serial dater is never going to be the man he thinks he is. All because he cannot face himself.
So I spoke to him tonight. I asked him if in the wake of a new year we could at least attempt to be civil to each other. He really had no choice but to say yes in public. I spoke to him tonight since I have recognise that facing things makes them less than they are.
The man I am not in a relationship wanted to know about the serial dater recently. He knew who he was since a friend had shared the local grapevine with him. "Do you always fall in love with men straight away?" he asked
"No" I replied "I thought you were an arrogant prig when I first met you"
And here in lies the difference. Last year I fell in love with potential. Ths year, I have the potential to fall in love.
Choice is in the bag
And so it was that I was inundated by texts wishing congratulations. Very nice they were too. The man that I am dating but not in a 'relationship' with sent a particularly nice one advising to hold onto that feeling of freedom, since it was somthing I had worked towards. He was right, except that feeling of freedom was about not being controlled. When I got the Decree absolute I realised that control doesn't actually exist. It is not inanimate, no more than a feeling, no more than what you allow someone else, or some fear in you to do.
Tonight I was summoned to the pub by a handful of friends to celebrate the legal end to being married. A worthy cause. Earlier in the day I had advised the man that I am no longer married to that we are no longer married. I invited him out for a drink to celebrate. Everyone things once again that I am nuts but frankly - I walked up the aisle with the man and since we did not want to stay married, I feel it befitting that we should end it in a slightly more discreet form of celebration. I could, I suppose wear my wedding dress.Now that would be nuts. Still, I think a final 'Yeahhhhhh' drink together the way to end things.
It was ironic that in celebrating my new start that the pub should also contain the serial dater. There I was charting the beginning of the fun in life when I have to sit in the same room with a man that was my first introduction to single life. Should I have allowed myself to have seen normal behaviour as this, I would never have dated again.
Still, I must remain honest. I still feel some chemistry. Not a sexual, I want to sleep with you chemistry, more of 'still a little in my head' chemistry. Which is doubly ironic since I am still not sure which was the real man. There is still the one that thinks himself to be a real catch, arrogant in body language, cocky in behaviour but perhaps more than that, the reality that deep down, he questions all of that.
Facade. There is no selection process to the daily contact with women - simply an addiction to women to provide the adulation that he needs to feel okay. There is still something unresolved. And I am fine with that. It is no more than an unhealthy fix. I am not the type to feed that kind of addiction.
It caused a host of mixed emotion tonight. The man I am seeing but not in a 'relationship' with, I utterly adore. No matter how much I have tried to feel nothing (and I have) he becomes a little more gorgeous every time I see him. It is a very slow non relationship and frankly, just what I need. So it upset me that I could feel so much for such a gentle soul, such a gorgeous man. No matter his or my issues he deals with them. I want to bolt, he has me sussed. He panics, he tells me. I get on with my life, he gets on with his. If I see him in the street, I see his face and I know that this is an interesting time. If I stay, he makes me laugh like no one else ever has. He has met my children, some of my friends, I have met some of his. All without pressure, all without expectation and labelling. All just the way this needs to be.
So this evening perplexed me. It was not resolved in my head, perhaps it will never be. Serial dater is never going to be the man that I thought he was. Serial dater is never going to be the man he thinks he is. All because he cannot face himself.
So I spoke to him tonight. I asked him if in the wake of a new year we could at least attempt to be civil to each other. He really had no choice but to say yes in public. I spoke to him tonight since I have recognise that facing things makes them less than they are.
The man I am not in a relationship wanted to know about the serial dater recently. He knew who he was since a friend had shared the local grapevine with him. "Do you always fall in love with men straight away?" he asked
"No" I replied "I thought you were an arrogant prig when I first met you"
And here in lies the difference. Last year I fell in love with potential. Ths year, I have the potential to fall in love.
Choice is in the bag
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Before the horse has bolted
I have spent all week preparing to bolt. I sat opposite someone last week having a serious adult conversation about expectation and such stuff. I presented as being very in control, very measured, pragmatic and a litte 'take it or leave it' All the while my head was thinking " Oh God, you are gorgeous and I feel like melting'.
I realised I could never say those words. Realising that I was thinking like that was a little shocking and extremely risky. If I told him that I was thinking that, he would no doubt bolt and more importantly, thinking those things meant that I could get hurt and so therefore there was only one answer.
Bolt.
I have had exit lines in my head and on the end of my texting finger for some time. I know the response to any "we need to talk' line because I have them all prepared in advance for the inevitable. Last night I acknowledged that texting my exit line was easier but unfair and if I am now an adult - I needed to call and exit. 4 hours of pacing and I summoned the courage. He was out.
So I spoke to a friend instead. Trained as a counsellor she says all the right things such as "And why do you think you feel this way"?
To which I reply "I have no idea, that's why I am asking you"
And she pointed out what I already know. I am a bolter. I date men that are bolters because it hides the fact that I am a bolter. I marry or date emotionally unavailable men because I think I am only worthy of emotionally unavailable men and since I am an emotionally unavailable woman, this proves my own fears.
I can be achingly honest about all sorts of things. Until I care. This is the point I reveal nothing since this is the point I can get hurt. What I never figured was that in emotionally withdrawing I sort of guarantee that the person I am seeing may be in the same place and me not being honest may make them withdraw. Choosing men with emotional baggage is perfect since this is the point I can turn it back onto them and concentrate on their issue and in so doing, avoid mine. Which in fundamentally, if I show them that I have feelings for them they are guaranteed to reject me. Not showing them I have feelings also guarantees that rejection will occur. Perfect, I don't have to take the risk and it becomes their fault.
So I missed the boat to bolt yesterday and when I received the 'phone me for a chat' message today, I panicked and hid the phone so I could avoid dealing with it. In a bid to try and undue some of this - I had already decided to be honest about how I felt, not in a bid to change the inevitable but in an attempt to leave a relationship having been emotionally honest for the first time ever.
So I called back. It was not the inevitable but merely a chat. My brain shifted as I considered that my fight or flight reaction was always on red alert and that perhaps my assumptions were always based on worse case scenario's. So I bit the bullet and revealed my thoughts. I did not however present it in a healthy way.
"I have something to tell you and you may not like it"
Oh Christ I feel really sick even saying this"
"Oh my God, I don't think I can"
Granted it was an unusual approach to telling someone that you think they are rather gorgeous and that they made me feel uncharacteristically melted. But even more unexpected is that no one shot me, the sky didn't fall in and the world didn't end in an instant.
What was even more interesting is that the fear of saying those words, had griped me for a week and the desire to bolt had almost entirely taken over me. So thank you to the man that made me realise that bolting is about fear and a sensation you can only feel when someone has made you feel something - I hope that one day you deal with this and find happiness.
And thank you to the man that made me feel that he was worth the risk of being honest with and that will not allow such issues to be unresolved. Who knows what the future holds but I do know this: Everyone comes into your life for a reason, everyone teaches you something but it is personal choice as to whether you learn from it. You learn from being hurt but you also learn alot about yourself and sometimes what hurts you most from other peoples behaviour, is what you start to see in your own.
There are no guarantees but at this moment and for this day I learnt that my fear of being hurt nearly made me bolt from something that could make me happy. May be it will, maybe it won't but the only chance I have in finding happiness is accepting that fear holds you in the same place time and time again. Refusing to give into fear and taking the chance that my assumptions could be wrong.
This time they were.
Duh
I realised I could never say those words. Realising that I was thinking like that was a little shocking and extremely risky. If I told him that I was thinking that, he would no doubt bolt and more importantly, thinking those things meant that I could get hurt and so therefore there was only one answer.
Bolt.
I have had exit lines in my head and on the end of my texting finger for some time. I know the response to any "we need to talk' line because I have them all prepared in advance for the inevitable. Last night I acknowledged that texting my exit line was easier but unfair and if I am now an adult - I needed to call and exit. 4 hours of pacing and I summoned the courage. He was out.
So I spoke to a friend instead. Trained as a counsellor she says all the right things such as "And why do you think you feel this way"?
To which I reply "I have no idea, that's why I am asking you"
And she pointed out what I already know. I am a bolter. I date men that are bolters because it hides the fact that I am a bolter. I marry or date emotionally unavailable men because I think I am only worthy of emotionally unavailable men and since I am an emotionally unavailable woman, this proves my own fears.
I can be achingly honest about all sorts of things. Until I care. This is the point I reveal nothing since this is the point I can get hurt. What I never figured was that in emotionally withdrawing I sort of guarantee that the person I am seeing may be in the same place and me not being honest may make them withdraw. Choosing men with emotional baggage is perfect since this is the point I can turn it back onto them and concentrate on their issue and in so doing, avoid mine. Which in fundamentally, if I show them that I have feelings for them they are guaranteed to reject me. Not showing them I have feelings also guarantees that rejection will occur. Perfect, I don't have to take the risk and it becomes their fault.
So I missed the boat to bolt yesterday and when I received the 'phone me for a chat' message today, I panicked and hid the phone so I could avoid dealing with it. In a bid to try and undue some of this - I had already decided to be honest about how I felt, not in a bid to change the inevitable but in an attempt to leave a relationship having been emotionally honest for the first time ever.
So I called back. It was not the inevitable but merely a chat. My brain shifted as I considered that my fight or flight reaction was always on red alert and that perhaps my assumptions were always based on worse case scenario's. So I bit the bullet and revealed my thoughts. I did not however present it in a healthy way.
"I have something to tell you and you may not like it"
Oh Christ I feel really sick even saying this"
"Oh my God, I don't think I can"
Granted it was an unusual approach to telling someone that you think they are rather gorgeous and that they made me feel uncharacteristically melted. But even more unexpected is that no one shot me, the sky didn't fall in and the world didn't end in an instant.
What was even more interesting is that the fear of saying those words, had griped me for a week and the desire to bolt had almost entirely taken over me. So thank you to the man that made me realise that bolting is about fear and a sensation you can only feel when someone has made you feel something - I hope that one day you deal with this and find happiness.
And thank you to the man that made me feel that he was worth the risk of being honest with and that will not allow such issues to be unresolved. Who knows what the future holds but I do know this: Everyone comes into your life for a reason, everyone teaches you something but it is personal choice as to whether you learn from it. You learn from being hurt but you also learn alot about yourself and sometimes what hurts you most from other peoples behaviour, is what you start to see in your own.
There are no guarantees but at this moment and for this day I learnt that my fear of being hurt nearly made me bolt from something that could make me happy. May be it will, maybe it won't but the only chance I have in finding happiness is accepting that fear holds you in the same place time and time again. Refusing to give into fear and taking the chance that my assumptions could be wrong.
This time they were.
Duh
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