I am not a man, I am a coffee table

I am procrastinating. I have decided to write something else and am midst outline. I am also a procrastinator and so I am writing on here.

I am in severe pain.

One of the most enlightening and pleasing things I have learnt in the last few months is that I am female. I spent some time with someone who is clearly masculine and it finally dawned on me that I am not equal to a man, I am different. Allowing for that difference and embracing it is is really quite a charming place to be. Masculinity it turns out is really very....attractive. I have loved it. It makes no less of me and in fact makes me more complete.

Except there is still the issue of my androgynous quality. Sometimes, just sometimes - in the midst of my new found female side, my inner male appears - as if from nowhere. In a moment of sheer stupidity and in a bout of tom foolery, I thought I would challenge a male with brute force. I lost. Not only did I resort to begging for mercy, I tore my meniscus.

Now I am facing potentially another knee operation and on top of that, have been banned from wearing high heels. This is a profoundly troubling ban. I have never purchased flat shoes in my life. I will have to spend the next few weeks being mistaken for a coffee table.

Repeat after myself: I am not a man, I am not a man, I am not a man.

Respect is a matter of ego

Its been an interesting period. I have indeed find myself a magnate to men with emotional baggage. Or perhaps they are a magnet to me. Still, for everything that cause a thought process there is a lesson to be learnt.

I have learnt this. Peope have very specific ideas on what is the 'proper' way to behave and on the whole I struggle to agree that people should adhere to them. In dating - if a man does not respond immediately to texts or does not call for three days, he is no good and not treating me with respect.

Bollocks. I am 42, I have no idea what I want from my life and certainly have no idea about what I want from a relationship. I love the benefits of that unknown, the cooked breakfast, the witty conversations, my utter confusion over the concept of knowing the future, fantastic sex and beautiful bodies - but I am not the same persoon I was two years ago and if I need to be validated by someone calling me to do so - then I have a problem.

I figure this - I am just fine as I am. I no doubt have much to learn and am certain of a perpetual evolution until the day I sit in a carehome and shriek "I get it" through my toothless mouth. Until then, commitment phobic men, emotionally confused - whatever it is - it is their issue and not one I will ever need to take responsibility for, nor ones that I shall ever again see as a reflection of my worth. Compassion is so much more beautiful than responsibility. If there is one thing I can be certain of, it is that I will never again be in a co-dependant relationship.

Last week, I found myself in a situation in which I was gaining much pleasure. I gained it because it was simply pleasureable and NOT because I needed to give someone pleasure. I just gained it. As a result of that, the other person gained a lot of pleasure and that in turn, increased mine.

I think it may have been the only moment in which I have ever experienced true pleasure with no need, worry, validation required on either side. No ego involved.

The ego has a lot to answer for. When you need people to validate your existance, your ego has taken over.